If there's one thing that makes me mad it would have to be mental illness. It's just one of those things that makes me insane with rage. It's not unfair to say that I hold myself partly responsible for most of that. If I am one thing it's definitely insane with rage. Sometimes I get so mad it makes me crazy. When I'm in a stink the smell is enough to put anyone off. On that, it makes my eyes water to think that. The smell of my stinking madness is so on the nose it gets right up my proverbial. If it makes any sense, I think that it doesn't make any. If that makes any sense, I think that it's nothing but nonsense. If there's one thing that scares me more than anything it has to be nothing. Anything could be less likely to make me scared than nothing. It's not unfair to say that anything goes when nothing is on. On that, it has to be that nothing scares me like my own capacity for just about anything. If there's one thing that makes me feel slightly unwelll it would have to be a case of going a bit mental. Mania and depression: makes me mad.
.11
You stay in the flat.
Your mum leaves the flat.
Your uncle leaves too.
Your uncle leaves your cousin with you.
You hear your cousin calling you.
You could heed the voices. You could make a retreat.
If you listen to the call, turn to page .111
If you ignore the voices, turn to page .112
.12
You go to your uncle’s flat.
Your uncle offers you a drink.
You get drunk.
Your cousin loses consciousness.
Your uncle asks you to have sex.
You could have sex with your uncle. You could just say no.
If you have sex with your uncle, turn to page .121
If you turn your uncle down, turn to page .122
Tradition(a man in a dressing gown with his penis poking through the hem) holds a long wrinkly thing in the shape of a dead caterpillar, and says that Homer was an appalling drunk who got paralytic whenever his finances permitted, and he was no pauper. Many ladies claimed to be his, but his heart belonged to a pole dancer with one leg and some incredible abilities; such as hopping and doing the can-can despite medical advice. Homer, in a moment of rare insight predicted that scholars would have funny little pipes connected to large barrels, and funnier little tongues connected to funnier littler spines.
Petrarch, or “Slydog Bigboots”, was born a wog and stayed that way even after it was strongly suggested to him that he possessed a disarmingly original odour he liked to call “That Inscrutable Doppelganger” or “Old Homer the Greek”. A shameless groupie and roadie to the popular musical group known as “Pope Clement V”, Slydog had a male parent with vicarious leanings who strongly suggested to the boy, then known as “Brine Breath”, he wax his pubic bone to save the family name, then known as Pootract which after seeing Lauren Bacall smoke lead him to the cleaners with a pile of washing that he discreetly put on high.
Page 0.0
You’re reading some shit.
Your mum asks you for a smoke.
You remember having a smoke.
You tell your mum you have one left.
She offers you some pot.
You could smoke yourself. You could leave the flat.
If you decide to smoke, turn to page .1
If you decide to leave, turn to page .2
Page .1
You put down what you’re doing.
Your lungs fill with the shit.
Your uncle and cousin enter the flat.
Your uncle and mother smoke.
Your cousin looks to leave.
You could go with your cousin. You could stay where you are.
If you decide to stay put, turn to page .11
If you decide to go with your cousin, turn to page .12
Page .2
You leave your flat.
You meet your uncle in the corridor.
You see that he’s a plastic bag of cans in his hand.
He offers you something to drink.
You feel thirsty.
You could have a drink. You could go outside.
If you have a drink, turn to page .21
If you keep going, turn to page .22
Characters
Rubber, unsporting male, personalized cap: rubber
Razor, unsporting male, personalized cap: lucky
Peter, athletic male, personalized cap: perfect
Amanda, girlish female, personalized cap: mand
Kim, female/male, personalized cap: big easy
Mark, furious male, personalized cap: ham
Julia, strong female, personalized cap: jewel
ACT ONE
A COMMUNITY CRICKET CLUB STUDIO.
AMANDA ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE SIDE OF THE CLUB EMBLEM. THE MUSIC DIES.
AMANDA
When I was asked to present a show for my beloved Worms, the first thing I said to myself was: (PAUSE) I can’t remember. It was something like – you want me. You do. I was told that I could have it any way I wanted. Usually it’s the other way around. I’m going on a bit, I’ll stop. Tonight we’ll be talking equipment. I love and adore equipment. Is it hard to play? It’s hard to play. It’s hard, isn’t it? It’s impossible without equipment. Tonight I’ll be talking to Worm-stars about their gear. I should start by telling everyone about my own. It can be a touchy subject. Equipment can be touchy. Sensitive. So very sensitive. Anyway it can get hairy. Very hairy. So very hairy. As I like to lay back and watch the boys having their fun, I need a nice pillow. Open up my little hamper, lie back and watch the boys going at it. So, a hamper, a pillow and something to fill me up. A little kabana and cheese is lovely. Now, some of you might think this is all a bit wet – it is. Lovely. Come with me, over here.
RUBBER ENTERS THE FRAME.
Over here we have Rubber.
RUBBER
How are you Mandy? You look great.
AMANDA
Lovely. Lovely. So do you. When I make cream buns for arvo tea, when I’m creaming my buns, Rubber, it’s you I think of, sometimes.
RUBBER
I can tell you that when I’m wheeling away, willingly wheeling on a stinking hot day, the last thing I want is to be wheeling away on a hot stinking day. Coming back to the sheds to any white doughy sweeties is just the thing, just the thing.
AMANDA
Very kind of you to say so. Very. Very kind. Equipment. Equipment, Rubber. What sort of blade do you favour?
PAUSE.
RUBBER
English. Well, cane and by extension English.
AMANDA
Marvellous, truly, marvellous. What sort of cherry do you prefer?
PAUSE.
RUBBER
Leather. Well, cork covered in leather.
AMANDA
Leather. Leather, that’s lovely. Leather. Cork too. When I think of cork I think of wine. Pop. Back in. Use the butt of the hand. Back in. Tight. Lovely. Leather. Wet and squeaky. Dead cow. Lovely dead cow skin. Kabana is a kind of leather. Edible leather. Delicious. Wash it down with claret. Delicious. More delicious!
PAUSE.
RUBBER
I’d love to stay and chat – sorry – I have a thing on. It’s a thing. It’s on. It’s not my thing really. It is on. I should go.
AMANDA
Wunderbar! Wunderbar. I’ll let you go.
RUBBER EXITS.
AMANDA
Off you go. Off you go then. Say: hello.
Goodbye. Goodbye! Say: hello.
PAUSE.
SILENCE.
AMANDA
Hello. Hello Raze. Raze. Razor, Hello. Where were we? Things. Things, Raze. Things. How are things?
PAUSE.
RAZOR(BEHIND THE CAMERA)
I have my own cap. It’s a perfect fit. Well it’s a bit loose. Sometimes my head pops right out the top there. I was born with this cap. You’d have to cut it off my very head. It’s what I use. Mine. God-given. No one could ever accuse me of being without a cap.
PAUSE.
AMANDA
That’s very, very nice...for you.
PAUSE.
SILENCE.
AMANDA
Well there you have it. Things. Things can not be ignored. Having these words in my mouth makes me hungry. I’m hungry.
JACK BY MA’S FOLLY.
AMANDA
Back after this.
DARKNESS.
ACT TWO
JULIA
Due to Amanda having a thing on, due to her having her thing on.
MARK
We will be taking this segment.
KIM
Kim.
MARK
Julia.
JULIA
Mark.
KIM
She will return.
MARK
Without her thing on.
JULIA
Good luck there.
Now, from these notes, it seems that – here we go.
Julia – my first question goes to you.
Is there still, still envy there for me?
KIM
What?
MARK
What!
KIM
It says that.
JULIA
Well. Well. Well, Amanda if you mean do I wish
that I was a little tart?
The answer is no.
KIM
The answer is yes.
MARK
Meaning?
KIM
Nothing.
MARK
You said something that meant nothing.
KIM
What’s the next bit?
MARK
Give us a look.
JULIA
I’m doing it.
KIM
Get on with it then.
MARK
My go.
JULIA
Alright then – here.
MARK
OK. Mark – to you – fancy me still - don’t you?
JULIA
What!
KIM
What?
MARK
What!
JULIA
Is this true?
MARK
What?
JULIA
Is this true?
MARK
No...Of course it isn’t.
KIM
I’m convinced.
JULIA
It is true. I knew it.
MARK
Don’t let her do this.
JULIA SCRUNCHES UP THE SCRIPT, SLAMS IT ON MARK’S CHEST AND EXITS.
PAUSE.
SILENCE.
KIM
Show me. Give it here.
MARK HANGING ON TO THE CORNER OF THE SCRIPT IN PETRIFICATION HAS IT RIPPED OUT BY KIM.
KIM
Julia – dadadadada.
Mark - dadadadada.
Kim – dadadadada.
Well here we all are...We are the...Worms.
Well, Mark, don’t just stand there.
MARK
Me?
KIM
Well, Mark, what is it about the Worms
that makes you itch?
There is something about it, isn’t there?
MARK
Me?
JULIA ENTERS ASHEN FACED.
PAUSE.
KIM
Equipment.
MARK
If I am so vehemently opposed to septic tanks
why do I eat their shit?
KIM
What?
JULIA
What’s wrong with me?
MARK
That’s alright.
JULIA
I’m sorry Ham.
MARK
That’s alright. That’s alright. That’s alright.
JULIA
It’s not alright. It’s not. I can’t. It’s not alright.
I can’t do that. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
AMANDA ENTERS FRAME.
AMANDA
Sorry everyone. I’m back. We’ll be back after this.
DARKNESS.
ACT THREE
AMANDA AS IN ACT ONE.
AMANDA
I’m back. Here I am. Me. I’m back. I had a thing. It was on. It’s off now. It’s on no more. No more is it on. Now. With me is Petey. Petey! We are married. Dearest husband. Petey!
PETER ENTERS THE FRAME.
PETER
Yes.
AMANDA
Yes.
PETER
Yes.
AMANDA
Yes. Pete, I want you to share with the viewers your experience with success. Success. Yes.
PETER
I suppose I am.
AMANDA
Yes.
PETER
I’m in a hot streak.
AMANDA
It is a streak. It’s not cold
PETER
There’s a place where I go. It’s a place like any other. It’s unlike anywhere else. It’s a strange place. It’s unique. It’s a strange place. So familiar. It’s where I go. Sometimes I never leave. I’m never there. Always away. I’m home. I feel at home there. It’s strange. Familiar. Strange. Words fail me. Often I’ve called on them. Rarely have they answered. Sometimes when they did the way was silence. The way is away.
The way is someway away. Strange.
AMANDA
Don’t get me started on whey. It’s so versatile. If the curds have been eradicated then our whey is better for it. Anyway. Of a Saturday your exploits in the field are excellent, truly.
PETER
The field is one of a number. Each more like the rest than the preceding. One field of a number. That number, that number is three.
AMANDA
Yes viewers the Worms have three fields.
PETER
We all have there. When we’re playing you’ll find us in one of those fields. If we’re on one field chances are we’re on a second field. If we’re on two fields chances are you’ll find us on a third field. We’ll always have someone from one end. Up the other end is someone else. Across the fields this holds true.
AMANDA
Petey! Petey! Petey! When I see the grass being cut it excites me. The blood rushes to my lips. I just want to scream. Seeing the sun coming up, feeling the sun’s warmth all over my face, the joy is unbearable. I can barely speak at such times. Picture me mouth agape bathing in discrete packets of life from a glorious sun.
PETER
The joy is all mine. Words fail me. I call on them. My call falls on deaf ears. When I’m in the field all is silent. Words have no audible place in the field. Worms know all about fields.
AMANDA
We are the Worms. We were the Worms. Join us again next week.
PETER
Next week will be a corker.
AMANDA
A ripper.
PETER
Bonza.
AMANDA
Beaut. No, true blue.
PETER
Can’t wait. My breath is baited. Baited with invisible packets of meaning. Some use maggots, some use - dare I say it - Worms, some use squid, some use pilchards. If you catch my meaning. If you have no hook you use no bait.
AMANDA
For bait, replace the “w” with a “b” in wait.
PETER
Mawk is an Earthworm of sorts - they can be used. Once again, if you have a hook.
AMANDA
Forget the hook. I am without rod.
RAZOR(BEHIND THE CAMERA)
At least you have some lines.
AMANDA
I love getting a new rig. I love opening up a fly.
(PAUSE)
I’m getting the wind up.
(PAUSE)
Time to go.
PETER
See you next week.
PAUSE.
DARKNESS.
Lights up on Astable tied to a pole centre stage, facing the audience. A bench is over his left shoulder and a cabinet is in front and to the left. Enter Amobile constantly on the move.
Amobile: For the sake of continuity
I should preface my speech by saying
That I find you irresistibly rooted!
Astable: Stop vacillating; one minute you do and now you don’t. What’s this all about?
Amobile: You have something of mine
Something that belongs rightfully to me
And I want it back.
Astable: I know you think this is yours but you have something of mine and I want it back. Let’s not do this, I shall keep yours and you shall give mine back to boot.
Amobile: I don’t want your boots
What I want is my cook book.
Astable: And I want my spectacles.
Amobile: Well let’s swap.
Astable: Without these specs, I won’t be able to read the book.
Amobile: And without this book
I’ll having naught to read.
Astable: If I could just have my spectacles please.
Amobile: Not without my cookery manual
To it’s rightful owner: me.
Amobile makes efforts to retrieve the the book from Astables groin.
Astable: You will never have this cookbook, not while I am rooted like this.
Amobile gives up unable to pry the book loose.
Amobile: It’s no good, I’m too weak.
Astable: Don’t forget heavy.
Amobile: And heavy.
Astable: And rigid and shambolic.
Amobile: Yes I’m all that, but what do we make of you?
You’re slow and spasmodic, loose and of course
How can we forget – rooted!
Astable: If you could just pass me that knife I could solve two of my problems.
Amobile: Let’s see if we can find that
I’ll just put on my spectacles.
Astable: It’s so nice to have your own spot, don’t you think so?
Amobile: Rooted as you are; roo-ted!
Astable: Farked as you are; far-ked!
Amobile: I saw christians, be quiet.
Astable rummages through a cabinet via the foot.
Astable: There are some of those in the cabinet.
Astable stops looking
Amobile: It’s not bad is it though?
To be that way
Is it?
Astable: To be in the cabinet in our condition is to be christian.
Amobile: In this state.
Astable: In this state.
Amobile: Is it the fault of our state?
Or the fault of the cabinet?
Astable: Who can blame a cabinet for being made of wood?
Amobile: We need new cabinets and new materials
Darker woods.
Astable: This is a dark wood, can you see any trees?
Amobile: Your pole looks to be wood.
Astable: Then cut it down.
Amobile: I’ll get the knife.
Amobile attempts to cut the pole down; makes no impact.
Astable: Liberation! - What difference does it make?
Amobile startled stops cutting leaving Astable tied.
Amobile: Meaning?
Astable: Meaning: it’s all wood isn’t it?
Amobile: Now that you mention it.
Astable: In the future we will not need furniture.
Amobile: Is that because we will be dead?
Astable: Dead, quite dead.
Amobile: We could make furniture of ourselves.
Astable: I used to be a reading lamp.
Amobile: I could be a bed
You could lie on top of me.
Astable: If only you were and I could; But my hands are tied and my feet and the rest; the moving bits
Amobile: Not even you are that strong
Those silvery cuffs are unbreakable.
Astable struggles to be free and then gives up.
Astable: These cuffs are as much me as my wrists are.
Astable hangs head.
Amobile: Cheer up. look at me, I envy you
I wish I could stop moving – vacillating.
Astable: Hold on to me I’m rooted. You can hold on to me, can’t you?
Amobile: You are aren’t you; roo-ted!
Astable: And you: far-ked!
Amobile: Shall we cook some fish?
Astable: Some goose.
Amobile: Some bacon.
Astable: Some beans.
Amobile: Some turds.
Astable: Fake poo.
Amobile: Sham poo.
Amobile takes some and begins to lather up.
Astable: I must wash these locks of mine.
Amobile washes his locks.
Amobile: You have your silvery locks, and I have mine.
Astable: If you had your book you could make all kinds of sham-poo.
Amobile: You don’t think my locks
Are lovely and sweet
The way they are
Astable: Give me my spectacles and I’ll tell you.
Amobile: You’re making a spectacle of yourself
I mean rooted there like that
And your hair stinks.
Astable: My hair stinks!
Amobile: Right now in high heaven they are
Bemoaning the hair stench.
Astable: You wouldn’t know as if they let your type into high heaven; at the gate a big sign: NO VACILLATORS.
Amobile: Peter’s a family friend.
Astable: Nepotism.
Amobile: You are the father, you are the son.
Astable follows Amobiles direction around the stage.
Astable: You are the mother, you are the daughter.
Astable exhausted slumps to the floor.
Amobile: You can barely see without these, can you?
Astable: Who said that?
Amobile: We have to eat and we both know
That we hate the slop you serve up
Astable: At least my slop has some semblance of tradition about it.
Amobile: Your steak and liver pie.
Astable: It’s certainly better than your blue meats.
Amobile: What if you hold the book and I read from it!
Astable: Yes, yes why didn’t I think of that?
Amobile: That way you can keep the book
And I can have my spectacles.
Astable: Yes, yes why didn’t I think of that?
Amobile: Hold it there on page one
We’ll start at the start.
Amobile begins to read to self.
Astable: What does it say?
Amobile folds the spectacles up and puts them away.
Amobile: Scary stuff, not for the faint hearts but WOW
What a way to start. Who would have thought it
All started with first thing being first.
Astable: Where did it start, was it here?
Amobile: It started in the beginning
And then so on and so on.
Astable: Well I could have told you it started at the the start, but where physically? Did it say at all?
Amobile: I’ll try to recall...something created
Something, and the location was...
Astable: Where? Was it here? I mean, I must be here for some reason. Did I steal a lighter?
Amobile: Did you?
Astable: I only stole it for our sake, we needed a light.
Amobile: To cook with right?
I’ll see if I can find that.
Astable: The others took it and used it.
Amobile: They probably made a discard of it.
Astable points to the ground.
Amobile finds the lighter.
Astable: How weird.
Amobile attempts to create a flame.
Astable excited.
Amobile: No more blue meats for us.
Astable: Do we have a stove? No.
Amobile: Do we even have a fire?
Astable: Doubtful.
Amobile: I’ll make a fire but where to start
First I’ll need some wood.
Astable: We have no meat to cook and besides the stove is completely operational.
Amobile: Would that it was.
Astable: You broke my cooking apparatus, didn’t you?
Amobile: Wood, wood, where can I find some wood?
Astable: Why don’t you just burn my stove top?
Amobile: Would that I could.
Amobile puts the lighter flame to the cabinet.
Astable: We can always make another one of those out of the bench.
Amobile sits on the bench behind Astable and to the right as we see it.
Amobile: How comfy it is to sit on this bench.
Astable: Is it? I thought it would be. We made that bench.
Amobile: We did? Did we? It’s such a fine bench
So ordinary and the wood, so wooden.
Astable: And comfy, right?
Amobile: So comfy, If I was a piece of wood
In this bench is where I’d like to be.
Astable: You need the best wood to make a bench of that quality; only the best, no saps in that bench.
Amobile: And so comfy.
Astable: And no saps, well a miniscule sap content.
Amobile: How would you be to be in this bench?
Astable: Well strictly speaking the cabinet is a finer piece. I mean that piece is top shelf old wood, and not red, no red wood in that cabinet. The bench may have the tendency to go a little red. The base of a bed, under the bed, can redden.
Amobile: This bench will do me.
Astable resting feet on the cabinet
Astable: With a cabinet of this quailty who needs pouffes?
Astable begins to doze off.
Amobile: You’re not falling asleep are you?
How could you misuse that cabinet?
Astable: Look at you, spreadeagled as you are.
Amobile: Well take no notice of me
I’m merely using the bench
As the maker intended.
Astable: And I am storing my feet on the cabinet.
Amobile: That is not a pouffe, you know?
Astable: And that bench is not a bed.
Amobile: I wanted to be bed.
Astable: I was reading lamp.
Amobile: This bench is so fine and comfy too.
Astable: And this cabinet makes my journey so much better.
Amobile: What is that creaking noise?
Amobile falls off the bench as the legs collapse.
Astable: It had to happen eventually, you couldn’t misuse the bench forever.
Amobile now injured examines the wreckage with spectacles on.
Amobile: No don’t rush to my aid, I’m fine thank you.
Astable: Glad to hear it.
Amobile: What a fallible construct.
Astable: Yes, unfortunately the maker is not perfect and the wood far from it.
Amobile: We made it, didn’t we?
Astable: When I had the use of my hands, when I was digital.
Amobile: And I could read.
Astable: We could have that fire. I am rather chilled.
Amobile: Yes I can see frostbite signs
In those feet of yours.
Astable: What if we need a bench?
Amobile: What if we need a bench?
Astable takes feet down
Astable: You can sit on this.
Astable points to the cabinet.
Amobile: Really, I can – sit on this.
Astable: Sit on this.
Amobile: Happy day! It’s been an ambition of mine.
Astable: Now, if you hear a creaking noise – get off. That’s all I’ll say.
Amobile: Straight off!
On the cabinet: me!
Astable: Now, read some more of the book; read the end and I’ll fill in the rest.
Amobile: OK sure, no probs.
Astable: You’ll have to hop off for a sec.
Amobile: I can’t sit here and read the book too?
Astable: It’s only for a bit; just the end.
Amobile: OK.
Amobile hops off and reads the book from Astables groin.
Astable: What is it? What’s wrong?
Amobile reels back in horror.
Amobile: Who would have thought that it would end?
End like that? This changes everything.
Astable: What does? What did it say? Was it bad? Was it about me? Was it? It was, wasn’t it?
Amobile: It was about all of us
You and me included.
Astable: Is it the pole? It’s the pole isn’t it? I can’t lose the pole, It’s me; Oh I’ve tried other fixings but the pole it’s just...me.
Amobile: It’s not the pole!
If anything it’s the cabinet.
It’s not even that.
Astable: Let’s lose the cabinet then, or the book, we could certainly lose that. As long as I can retain my pole, I’m fine.
Amobile: No without that book you’ll lose the pole.
Astable: Is that what it says? The book, the pole, the cabinet.
Amobile: Not in so many words.
Astable: Are you sure you read it?
Amobile: Yes they were words, I believe
Funny looking things – all black
And comprised of the same basic elements,
Words
Astable begins bashing the book
Astable: Bloody farking book!
Astable jumping up and down on the book
Amobile: Don’t bash the book.
Astable: Farking bloody book!
Amobile: Don’t bash the book!
Astable: Book!
Amobile: Don’t blame the book
It can’t help the words
It has printed on it
Astable: Farking!
Amobile: Stop it!
Astable: Book!
Amobile: I’ll burn your pole.
Astable: No.
Amobile: Good, now we can work this out.
Amobile puts the spectacles in the cabinet.
Astable: I’ll put the book in there too.
Amobile places the book in and closes the cabinet.
Amobile: Now.
Astable: Now?
Amobile: Now I’ll reach in and whatever I pull out
Is mine and whatever is left is yours.
Astable: OK.
Amobile: Right, here I go.
Astable: But you’ll pull out the book for certain and I’ll lose my pole.
Amobile: Then I’ll toss a coin
Astable: Do we have one?
Amobile: Rock, paper, scissors.
Astable: My hands are tied.
Amobile: Where are my spectacles.
Amobile retrieves the spectacles and skips off.
Astable sits on the cabinet happily.
Lights out.
CHARACTERS - They are all as miners are.
SENSING – the father of THINKING, the husband of QUICK and SUSTAINED.
THINKING – the son of SENSING, the brother of BOUND and FREE.
QUICK – the wife of SENSING.
SUSTAINED – the wife of SENSING.
BOUND – the sister of THINKING.
FREE - the sister of THINKING.
SETTING
A pit.
TIME
In between time.
ACT ONE
1. SENSING(Strong) I mockerise this and you all.
2. QUICK Onways and upways and inways too.
3. THINKING(Direct) Trying to get to there.
4. BOUND Try that much to, but for the audacity.
5. SENSING feverishly digging at the spot and whistling a tune well known.
6. SUSTAINED Don’t really yes; the load is big, the back is too and in it I am.
i. Pause.
7. FREE Does it matter; after all the lord on high sits and hears us down here.
8. THINKING(Flexible) Could well be so, as I go down in of the land and dig.
9. SENSING(Strong) Back to it then. Back to it. Back to it. Back then.
10. BOUND Alright. Some of us do as we are told.
11. THINKING(Direct) That is you too - let me drill walls.
12. QUICK Meat spoiling under that tunnel.
ii. Pause.
13. SENSING(Light) Oh ho ho and a finely built pit mouth.
14. FREE walks to QUICK and pulls at arms to fall off the spot.
15. SUSTAINED Leave it as is. It’s right. A tuneful hum of pity and scorn.
16. THINKING(Flexible) I guess so; a real song in a box of voices in time to nick a beat.
17. QUICK Have to do other that I am in here now.
18. SENSING(Strong) Oh no you do not thanks.
iii. Pause.
19. BOUND Not this again anything but this. Oh please I say.
20. THINKING(Direct) Just let’s wait. A thudding and a dripping.
21. SUSTAINED Maybe a bit late; but I saw the perch wobbling cage canary.
22. SENSING(Strong) With a hammerhit the yellow life lungs in little gulps of bad air.
23. THINKING(Flexible) It’s all the same but the chirping and the singing has stopped.
24. FREE What lovely jugs, can you hear them - the cold draught plays a song.
iv. Pause.
25. QUICK Might smash them into little coal song pieces.
26. BOUND I am trapped – an animal without freedom.
27. SENSING(Strong) I beg your pardon. I mean...well I never.
28. THINKING(Direct) Find a way out – an open space.
29. SUSTAINED Let’s not go yet. I have recalled the better times; not good!
30. FREE I can’t hear you and how that applies here in the dark – search me.
v. Pause.
31. THINKING(Flexible) You do not care - take me for instance – what a handsome sight - and regal
32. SENSING pleading vociferously with THINKING to go off into the wings but to no avail.
33. THINKING(Direct) We must escape. In my dulcet tones: great nobility.
34. BOUND I above you know. So I’ve heard
35. SENSING(Strong) I hit you wall. Seamless, holey wall.
36. QUICK I may know a way up.
vi. Pause.
37. THINKING(Flexible) Not now - it’s a bit late and don’t make me.
38. FREE Romping through the earth wind tunnels in synchronicity with all the thunder falling walls.
39. SUSTAINED You just do that, believe you me, just you wait, you’ll see, you’ll all see.
40. SENSING(Light) Wait...the fluffy scales of the flying bi-ped resurrected or all my eyes: all bad.
41. THINKING(Direct) Life – all life is precarious – it is precious to me.
42. SENSING(Strong) Ram this fist in your ear hole.
vii. Pause.
43. QUICK Out this way here, I’m told.
44. BOUND I can...I can witness the results.
45. THINKING(Flexible) It is - to me - I hold it dear to me - life is dear.
46. SENSING walking to the centre point and returning, and looking at SUSTAINED in total disbelief.
47. FREE What nice melons and a shallow echo of the ripe flesh of spuds.
48. SUSTAINED We could all stay, from evidence I have seen, the wobbly canary is no help.
viii. Pause.
49. BOUND A spectacular pit pony ocularised by a pair of minor colliers in a dark pit.
50. THINKING(Direct) What would we do without your pulling power.
51. QUICK I heard I dragged sacks.
52. SENSING(Strong) Loudly fist bash all the wall.
53. FREE Not fruit; a tall slag heap deep below my hole.
54. THINKING(Flexible) Days used to be so fine, the birds sang, the fish swam in wee.
ix. Pause.
55. SENSING running from point to point and lightly checking on the safety of all the others.
56. SUSTAINED We’ll stay here, it’s not bad; after all ~ bread, water, roof, beds, it’s what I’m told.
57. BOUND Might hide here. Observe the small chicken gasping the violent air to innocent lungs.
58. QUICK I praise indeed. I saw it too
59. SUSTAINED attempted to get back only to be turned back again.
60. THINKING(Flexible) Jimmy this lock – click, click, turn, turn. I need a bath – soap, soap, gush, gush - a wash.
x. Pause.
61. FREE Here I can help; that is not the bathwater. It is a spring under foot.
62. SUSTAINED Here I recall a pen of baby canaries going off to meet the dark.
63. THINKING(Flexible) This will not do - my britches are all choked with emissions and I also need a bath.
64. SENSING holding nose and looking for a toilet to be crapping in and failing.
65. SENSING(Strong) I’m telling a tale of dirty bathwater and overflowing bowls.
66. QUICK Recollections of brown bum bowls.
xi. Pause.
67. THINKING(Direct) Not good - a good sight.
68. BOUND Is it actually a canary? Not a chicken.
69. SENSING(Light) The blocked shaft singing a mute delirium of limbs lost in a collapse.
70. SUSTAINED Have you heard the silent canaries wings flap and cage break attempts? because I have too.
71. FREE All sight canaries as a rubber duck in the bath, so too wobbly pit canaries.
72. THINKING(Flexible) I save canaries - behold it is I – me - you know me - not much really.
xii. Pause.
73. SENSING(Strong) My borer infested wooden leg. They are your borer. They bore you.
74. BOUND They are doomed because a canaries diet: raw borer.
75. THINKING(Direct) I can you know - stare at the pony.
76. QUICK Looked at the worms entrails.
77. SENSING now hopping on the spot and from point to point hereafter.
78. FREE A can of hursuits, shaved to make cleaning easier, scraping stubble faces smooth
xiii. Pause.
79. SUSTAINED I thank you all for the gnaws of rats and the scurrying that warns of doom.
80. THINKING(Flexible) How can this be - that I look a bit ruffled and dirty from the coal and crap.
81. QUICK Don’t look at me, that’s what I told you all.
82. SENSING(Strong) I’m telling you this much ok.
83. BOUND I heard the invisible gas exhale from the earth.
84. THINKING(Direct) The pretty pony carries my sack with pleasure.
xiv. Pause.
85. SUSTAINED You’re all wrong ~ when I had eyes to see ~ before birth.
86. SENSING(Strong) Give us a cuddle. Speaking of which, my testes - tickling with pain.
87. THINKING(Flexible) No not like that - you have to listen to the noiseless pity.
88. FREE Let me help with that little ditty, a beautiful song felt in my bones.
89. QUICK Don’t know again whether I saw the ceiling.
90. BOUND I’m over here. You know it is I.
xv. Pause.
91. SENSING(Strong) So, so miserable; digging and shitting around down here.
92. THINKING(Direct) All through here the vibrations wave hello!
93. SUSTAINED This is the way I lost my eyes ~ I ~ mine eyes ~ mine.
94. FREE Yes it is, but at least yours worked at one time. I can see that.
95. THINKING(Flexible) I’ll help you up - surely it’s not that bad - particularly down here in this.
96. SENSING(Light) It’s all here the gas the gas the beautiful gas sweet gas far too loud.
xvi. Pause.
97. THINKING(Direct) That sound - is that the sound of the seeping gas?
98. BOUND It’s all a little bit blackdamp down here.
99. SENSING(Strong) All die any way. Not that it is playing.
100. QUICK Is that what I said? No!
101. THINKING(Flexible) You don’t mean it - we don’t have pins to drop.
102. FREE Let me help please, as the beautiful waves thunder clap; lightning go away please.
xvii. Pause.
103. SUSTAINED Recognise this? What is it? tell me what it looks like! Is it deaths face?
104. SENSING dragging the borer leg behind herein, moves to the next point and pointing at THINKING.
105. THINKING(Direct) Manage by myself - the wee sweet drips from the slagearth.
106. SENSING(Strong) All writhing about the head pits: stop!
107. QUICK I saw the face of death.
108. BOUND Can we escape a life born into?
xviii. Pause.
109. THINKING(Flexible) Leave me - I don’t want to know about any of this.
110. SENSING(Light) The voices hear! Here here they are talking to me; I am not ignoring.
111. FREE Tulips and canaries tralalalala; willow tits and weeping roots under foot, between toes.
112. SUSTAINED At last idolatry is mine. O and I need and hunger for the flesh.
113. BOUND Hide over here from an inescapable destiny we all share: death and degradation.
114. THINKING(Direct) The sound of escaping gas: the earths exhalations.
xix. Pause.
115. QUICK That is what I heard.
116. SENSING(Strong) My bigger shovel and bored leg.
117. FREE goes up to THINKING and makes a great show.
118. THINKING(Flexible) I refuse to admit the very idea that we are down here at all.
119. SENSING(Light) I have the drums of the years spent with the years down to the ground.
120. SUSTAINED My thumbs hurt; the big bummed, small headed rodent bit that digit. I recall those rats.
xx. Pause.
121. BOUND Hidden over here I see them, they are our allies. They raise the collapse alarm.
122. QUICK Do pay attention to what I said.
123. SENSING(Strong) Pay me, pay by the ton.
124. THINKING(Flexible) Fix this, find that crap. Do this, do that, eat. Fluff it!
125. FREE Give this sacrifice that, suffer this mouth, suffer this help, I’ll find the way.
126. SUSTAINED bent over backwards to detain THINKING from reaching it’s next point with out a result.
xxi. Pause.
127. THINKING(Flexible) Is this gas is it? I refute those claims in the extreme; birds wobble all the time.
128. SENSING(Light) What do you mean my voice a deafening pitch and bored drums from my leg?
129. QUICK I’m sure I saw it wobble.
130. SENSING(Strong) The bird is a canary, and it only wobbles with asphyxia.
131. THINKING(Direct) Sharp pains and intoxicated invertebrates.
132. BOUND Gather round me to sing like canaries.
xxii. Pause.
133. SENSING(Light) Um well um I um am so loud I can’t be heard.
134. SUSTAINED Burn in pits; my eyes: two lumps of slate to be discarded and thrown on heap.
135. FREE is hit by the unseen bossman but makes no great show of the assault.
136. THINKING(Flexible) Not being very fluent in pit talk, you must forgive my reticence to converse.
137. SENSING(Strong) Hammer picks in to our lives, as obtrusive as right hand bacteria.
138. BOUND Poor birdies gas got them. Gassed by the gas.
xxiii. Pause.
139. THINKING(Direct) Those poor rats rummage through our lunches desperately.
140. QUICK I said It was wonky.
141. SENSING(Light) The thunder earth chasing the rats to the surface.
142. FREE The bossman singles me out for special attention, and it involves the beats.
143. SUSTAINED At last my time and my sockets as a pickhandle with no pick at all.
144. THINKING(Flexible) Jimmy this lock - the key to the baths - as I am there - we are not in pit.
xxiv. Pause.
145. QUICK This lock here; that’s what I’ve been saying – no wait.
146. SENSING(Strong) That is the falling of trousers.
147. BOUND Is that a pick or are you entirely dead.
148. THINKING(Direct) I have to leave - take note of me.
149. SUSTAINED has looked QUICK up and down for a key hole.
150. SENSING(Strong) I’m not hearing of having a bath down here – the water’s urinous.
xxv. Pause.
151. THINKING(Flexible) The air thick with the voices under foot and over the top.
152. FREE Save the canary, save you and save you all from embracing love and compassion.
153. QUICK From the gas encroaching and suffocating or loneliness?
154. FREE runs from the unseen bossman to safety.
155. SENSING(Strong) I’ll start to dig; even though the thunder’s getting louder.
156. THINKING(Direct) Not like that! It’s not exactly seamless.
xxvi. Pause.
157. SUSTAINED I can see again or are these the pit walls? that’s all.
158. FREE uses BOUND as a shield from the unseen bossman but still takes a beating.
159. THINKING(Flexible) The blood and pain pumps through my ears to the still pit wall air.
160. SENSING(Light) The running rats alert us to the fall even as the dirt fills our undies.
161. THINKING(Direct) The sight of you piling your pants with the earth.
162. BOUND Don’t leave me, not with my titanium undies.
xxvii. Pause.
163. SENSING(Strong) I am digging the graves for the purple faced bi-peds.
164. QUICK As I said, we are bi-peds.
165. THINKING(Flexible) The purple faced and yellow canary is nothing but clay.
166. FREE I accept that, but clay has no feathers and canaries have legs and wings.
167. SUSTAINED has achieved a great many advances and retreats in its short and long stay.
168. SENSING(Light) The loud and noisy dirt cleans my crack with the earth, and your ear drums crack.
xxviii. Pause.
169. THINKING(Direct) The digging, shitting and spitting sounds like heaven to me.
170. SENSING(Strong) The shitting not digging imperils our lives.
171. QUICK I said, we should stop this.
172. BOUND When have you done anything about it?
173. THINKING(Flexible) The earth - she tells us of her ill health and our impending doom.
174. SENSING(Light) The lack of food that I make, could lead to the lasting dark for you.
xxix. Pause.
175. FREE Pretty canaries, all soft and squishy fly like aerial mud to your resting place.
176. SUSTAINED has suffered some ailment but has remained brave in the ugly face of death
177. BOUND Hear the pain of quiet wounds, and a dirty pair of pants around ankles.
178. THINKING(Direct) The sound of a thousand tiny running feet.
179. QUICK I knew the sharp pain.
180. SENSING(Strong) Cutting the lunches from the ceiling.
xxx. Pause.
181. FREE is a clay canary that wobbles but maintains equilibrium.
182. THINKING(Flexible) My mouth a cage - my tongue a canary - my lips the gates...are shut.
183. SENSING(Light) All your pits in my palm, their cold minors I have in my hands grasp.
184. SUSTAINED My thumbs hurt; they were my ruler, they ruled with an iron digit; the poor things.
185. BOUND We all have our hardship, but really we can’t let our workload pile up.
186. QUICK I heard thumbs crack – don’t thumbs crack?
xxxi. Pause.
187. SENSING(Strong) Only bone, that’s what I’m hearing.
188. THINKING(Flexible) The cold air and extracted digits. Keep your hands off my goodies.
189. FREE has many thumbs, so many of these human aspects – where to start?
190. SUSTAINED did not believe in thumbs and in action this was patently obvious to all.
191. THINKING(Flexible) Fixing problems to myself - they are mine own. I dig them up and then stash them away.
192. SENSING(Light) If in my radiant glow I caused your eye digits to leperize...
xxxii. Pause.
193. QUICK That is not a real pain.
194. SENSING(Strong) That hurts.
195. THINKING(Direct) You know what’s painful? Listening!
196. BOUND Not like the pain I experience: all day.
197. SENSING(Light) Is that so?
198. SUSTAINED thumbs have hurt and it hurt.
xxxiii. Pause.
199. FREE returns to a designated task.
200. THINKING(Flexible) I kill the wolf silently.
201. SENSING(Strong) Killing yellow wolves.
202. BOUND Death comes here. I see the flight of it.
203. THINKING(Direct) I take the floor; the pits, fatal floor.
204. QUICK The pain of the wolf I heard.
xxxiv. Pause.
205. SENSING(Light) The ear splitting clang: our salvation from self pity.
206. FREE I will. I will.
207. SUSTAINED has taken a disbelieving look.
208. THINKING(Flexible) We’ll never find the open; the dodgy key.
209. QUICK Incorrect!
210. SENSING(Strong) Eyeing a place in the sun.
xxxv. Pause.
211. BOUND Dig four graves. It is clear this is it.
212. THINKING(Direct) Make mine larger and I won’t share one.
213. SUSTAINED For your ego.
214. SENSING(Strong) I love you all.
215. THINKING(Flexible) Who said that?
216. FREE takes a severe beating.
Lights down.
INT.PETER AT HOME ON THE COUCH WITH A PEN AND AN ACCOUNTING BOOK
PETER
So, I have made quite a few in the last decade or so. Yeah that’s right – I’m the bees knees – without me the bees would be kneeless – kneelessss. They’d be dragging their little wings about the hive saying Where are our knees? And I’d say It is I. I am your knees; rally round your knees my little subjects.
HE CLEANS HIS EAR WITH THE PEN THEN SUCKS THE PEN LOST IN THOUGHT.HE PLAYS A FEW DRIVES WITH THE PEN.
INT.JOHN AND RAZOR SITTING IN ARMCHAIRS AT THE HOUSE OF JOHN
JOHN
I tell you Razor it’s not enough just to get the numbers up. He has to learn how to be a leader. He has to learn how to lead. Leadership. Leadership.
RAZOR LEANS FORWARD AND POINTS AT A SAUSAGE - THE LAST ONE.
RAZOR
You want that?
JOHN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GIVES RAZOR A HARD STARE AS IF TO RETURN TO THE POINT.
JOHN
I gave him, Peter, the captaincy (SINKING WITH CONTENT INTO THE ARMCHAIR)and he can barely manage that – I tell you he might be the end of this club –(FINISHING OFF HIS BOURBON AND POURING ANOTHER) he might be the end.(LEANING BACK INTO HIS CHAIR WITH THE GLASS OF LIQUOR) The end. –(SIPPING) That’s all there is to it. To it (STIRRING THE DRINK)that’s all there is.
RAZOR
We’re only playing Villawood – I mean they hardly pose a threat.(DOWNING THE SAUSAGE) They’re small potatoes – no threat.
EXT. PATIO. MARK AND JULIA ARE DRINKING BEERS IN THEIR BANANA LOUNGES.
JULIA
Do we have any baby potatoes Mark?
MARK
I thought I bought some, love – I’ll go check in a tick.
JULIA GOES TO THE FRIDGE. MARK IN SHOT.
MARK(TO HIMSELF)
Not bloody spuds again – they make me so mad.
MARK CLOSE UP. MARKS EYES WOBBLING WITH MANIA
INT.JULIA FILLING A SAUCEPAN AND PLACING THE NEW POTATOES IN WHEN THE PHONE RINGS.
INT. KIM ON THE PHONE – EATING SOME POTATO CHIPS
KIM
Jules – it’s Kim – is Mark in a good mood because I’ve got some bad news for him/ yeah/ Aw he’s out is he?/Aw/ if you just tell him for me – love/ That I have to practice for the game tomorrow – so I won’t be able to make it for tea tonight./Ok love seeya bye/(LOVINGLY) yeah me too/ yeah/ bye
INT.PETER AND AMANDA – THE PERFECT COUPLE – SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TELE EATING THEIR DINNER. AMANDA SPOONS ANOTHER FORKFUL OF MASHED POTATO.
PETER
Bloody rain forecast for tomorrow – typical – that’s another fork in the eye.
AMANDA TAKES ANOTHER FORKFUL OF POTATO.
AMANDA
When have you ever known the forecast to be right?
CLOSE UP PETER WINCES. NODS HIS HEAD. HE AGREES.
INT.KIM TOSSES A COIN GRABS IT TURNS IT UP ON HIS HAND. LOOKS UP. PAUSES.
KIM
Heads.
KIM LOOKS AT THE COIN. LOOKS AWAY IN DISGUST. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD. HE TOSSES THE COIN AGAIN, CATCHES IT AND TURNS IT UP AGAIN. PURSES HIS LIPS. SMILES.
KIM
Tails.
KIM LOOKS AT THE COIN, STARES AT IT IN SHOCK. HE GLARES AT THE COIN. HE LOOK AROUND IN ANGER. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND TOSSES THE COIN AGAIN, CATCHES IT. HE KEEPS HIS HAND OVER THE COIN STARING AT THE BACK OF HIS HAND. HE LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING. HE EXHALES. HE CLOSES ONE EYE. HE GRIMACES.
KIM
Tails?
SLOWLY HE PEELS AWAY HIS HAND TO REVEAL THE COIN.
KIM
What the fuck, you fuckin coin. I tossed the coin, I called. I did my bit. Why can’t you do yours? Fickle fuckin coin. Tell me that (HE GRABS THE COIN AND SQUEEZES THE LIFE OUT OF IT)you fuckin coin. You hate me (HE SQUEEZES HARDER)don’t you?
EXHAUSTED, HE STOPS THE SQUEEZING AND FURIOUSLY FUMBLIMG WITH A DOOR TO THE BACK YARD NEARLY BREAKS IT. HE THROWS THE COIN AND RUNS INSIDE. HE PUFFS, HE HUFFS.
INT. PETER AND AMANDA. PETER LYING. AMANDA LYING. THE TELEVISION IS ON. A NOISE ON THE ROOF. PETER TURNS TO AMANDA WITH A QUIZICAL LOOK. AMANDA KEEPS ON STARING AT THE TELEVISION. PETER GETS UP TO GO AND HAVE A LOOK OUTSIDE.
EXT. THE PATIO. MARK RISES MANIACALLY FROM HIS BANANA LOUNGE AS HE DOES HIS LEG GETS CAUGHT AND HE GOES HEAD OVER HEELS
MARK
(QUIETLY)Ow – that’s a nasty one – cripes.
MARK GETS TO HIS FEET BUT FINDS HE CAN’T PUT ANY WEIGHT ON HIS LEFT LEG.
MARK
Not me left leg – not as important as me right side– but nevertheless – a leg is a leg – and me left one – (YELLING)Julia! Julia! Come ere a tick –(SOFTER TONE)please.
CAMERA ON JULIA AS SHE GOES OUTSIDE WIPING HER HANDS ON A TEA TOWEL
JULIA(NOW AT THE OUTSIDE DOOR)
What have you done Mark? (SHE RUSHES TO HIM AND HELPS HIM INSIDE) You poor thing – you’re always tripping over yourself love – you poor thing Mark – (JOKING) I’d almost say you have two left feet.
A SHOT OF THE BANANA LOUNGE – SINISTER MUSIC – THE LOUNGE MOVES A LITTLE.
INT.PETERS COUCH PETER WALKS INTO SHOT AND LIES ON THE COUCH WITH HIS ACCOUNTING BOOK RESTING ON HIS CHEST AND PICKS HIS NOSE WHILE A PEN HANGS OUT HIS EAR. THE NOISE OF A TOILET FLUSHING DROWNS OUT THE TELEVISION AS WE HEAR AMANDA WASHING HER HANDS AND SHE COMES INTO SHOT CRACKING A WALNUT AND IN A NIGHTIE TO SPRAWL ON THE FLOOR.
PETER
Mandie – if we get one more Brownie come knocking at that door this month I’ll strangle her.(LEANING OVER AND VERY SERIOUS)I’m gonna strangle a brownie.
AMANDA(DISMISSIVE)
Yep.
AMANDA FIGHTING THE NUTCRACKER TO BREAK A WALNUT. EXHAUSTED SHE TRIES AGAIN AND IS SUCCESSFUL THIS TIME. SHE GOBBLES THE NUTS WITH GLEE.PETER TOTALLY DISINTERESTED.
THE SOUND OF A DOG BARKING AT THE BACK DOOR.
AMANDA
Is that the dog barking at the back door.
EXT.BACK DOOR.A BROWN DOG BARKING AT THE BACK DOOR.
INT. AMANDA ON THE FLOOR
AMANDA(TO THE CEILING)
I just got here – I’m not letting him out.
PETER DISGUSTED AND EXHAUSTED PEELS HIMSELF OUT OF HIS COUCH ANGRILY SMACKING THE BOOK AND THE PEN ON A COFFEE TABLE.
PETER(TRAPSING TO THE BACK DOOR)
I could choke that dog, (MUTTERING)brown dog.
EXT.RAZOR TAKING OUT JOHNS GARBAGE
RAZOR
(PUTTING ON A VOICE)Time to take out the trash
(SINGING)I’m taking out the trash - taking out the
trash.
IN HIS PLAYFUL ALMOST SCHOOLGIRL FOLLY HE SPILLS SOME TRASH
AS IF IT’S HAPPENED MANY TIMES HE ROUTINELY PICKS UP THE REFUSE AND PLACES IT BACK IN
RAZOR
Wow – who says John’s trash don’t stink?
RAZOR REPLACING THE RUBBISH AS A BROWNIE RUNS PAST THE SHOT AS IF FRIGHTENED OF RAZOR. RAZOR CATCHES SIGHT OF THEM AND SEEMS ANGERED BY THEM.
INT.JOHN ON THE TELEPHONE
JOHN
Now you listen to me Julia – I dont care If Mark is favouring his left side - if he’s got a leg to stand on he’s right to play – in his position – need i remind you Julia that Mark is the captain of the thirds.(SILENCE) I know I sold him those banana lounges Julia. Paul gave me those Banana longes and he said they were fine – we both know that Paul is reliable – If Mark lost a little weight – he’d be in the two’s he’d be getting runs and he wouldn’t have hurt himself. I don’t care if it his achilles – I expect him to play. Goodnight (FIRMLY)Goodnight Julia.
JOHN HANGS UP THE PHONE
INT. RAZOR RE-ENTERING THE HOUSE WITH A CRICKET BAG WHICH HE PLACES DOWN AND VERY METHODICALLY OPENS PRODUCING ALL KINDS OF LOTIONS VARIOUS CANDLES AND TOWELS. HE LAYS THE TOWELS ON THE FLOOR AND SURROUNDS WITH CANDLES WHICH HE LIGHTS AND THEN TURNS THE ROOM LIGHT OFF. ENTER SHOT JOHN WITH A TOWEL AROUND HIM. HE LAYS FACE DOWN READY FOR HIS SPORTS MASSAGE.
INT CLOSE UP MARKS FACE IN PAIN
MARK
Aw me achilles – cripes – aw it hurts – Julia – bloody Paul and his banana... lounges – no(PAUSE) I must take some responsibility (LONG PAUSE)– nar bugger that – bloody paul...aw my achilles. (HE WRITHES AROUND)I can’t take it.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL MARK LYING ON A BANANA LOUNGE AND JULIA WETTING A TOWEL TO PLACE ON HIS FOREHEAD.
INT. SHOT OF A CAKE WITH A KNIFE CUTTING THROUGH IT. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL KIM CUTTING A SLIVER OFF A LARGE CAKE. HE TAKES THE LARGE PART, PLACING IT DELICATELY ON A PLATE AND SITTING DOWN IN FRONT OF THE CAKE TO EAT HIS SLICE WITH A SPOON. SAVOURS EVERY BITE. STARTS NODDING AND BOBBING AROUND AS HE CHEWS. A BIT FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR HE LOOKS AT IT – HASTILY HE WIPES IT UP. THE PHONE RINGS HE GOES TO ANSWER IT BOBBING HIS HEAD AND DANCING. HE PICKS UP.
KIM
(FIGHTING BACK THE CAKE)Kim speaking/ (PLAYFULLY) Johnny/ (LONG PAUSE AS HE LISTENS)He’s always bloody injured. (PAUSE)I expect him to play too.
KIM RETURNS TO HIS CAKE, A LITTLE DISTRESSED BEFORE BUT NOW COMFORTABLE AND RELAXED.
INT. SHOT OF JOHN ON THE PHONE, WITH A TOWEL AROUND THE WAIST AND TOPLESS, FEELS HIS FACE AND HAIR AS IF TO REASSURE HIMSELF OF HIS COMELINESS.
JOHN
We have to have a good turnout. I mean we don’t want everyone to turn up. Some of the people we have turn up I really wish would not.(SILENCE) Yeah Petro for one. I’m fed up with him – I don’t need to tell you.
THE NOISE OF WOOD SPLITTING.
JOHN PUTS THE RECEIVER TO HIS CHEST AS HE PEERS OUT THE WINDOW TO THE BACK YARD. RAZOR JOINS JOHN IN THE SHOT TO PEER WITH GREATER INTENT OUT THE WINDOW.
EXT. A CHILD OF ABOUT SEVEN HAS CLIMBED THE FENCE, BROKEN A PALING, AND IS NOW HIDING IN A BUSH IN THE BACK YARD OF JOHN. WE SEE THE CHILD HUDDLED AND SCARED CLOSE-UP. INTO SHOT COMES RAZOR WHO COAXES THE CHILD OUT AND LEADS HER BY THE HAND TO THE SHED WHERE HE PADLOCKS HER IN. RAZOR STRIDES OFF WIPING HANDS.
RAZOR(SINGING)
I’ve taken out the trash/ just taken out the trash/ what a wonderful feeling/ I’m...happy...again/ just singing having taken out the trash.
INT. JOHN RETURNS THE RECEIVER TO HIS EAR.
JOHN
I beg your pardon Kimmy – I’ll have to go – there’s a Brownie knocking at the door. See ya mate.
INT. PETER LYING ON THE COUCH – HIS STOMACH STARTS TO RUMBLE. HE LOOKS DISTRESSED AMANDA PEERS UP AT HIM FROM THE FLOOR. SHE CRACKS A WALNUT. SENDS IT DOWN THE OESOPHAGUS. GINGERLY HE RISES, PAUSES AND RUSHES OFF WITH A CASE OF THE RUNS.
PETER
Not the bloody runs...again. Those bloody Brownies and their date slice. I’ll give them a date slice.
HE MAKES IT TO THE TOILET.
INT. JULIA IS SQUEEZING THE LAST VESTAGES OF MAYONNAISE FROM THE PLASTIC BOTTLE. THE NOISES ARE SUITABLE. SHE MAKES THE SAUSAGE SANDWICH, SPUDS ON THE SIDE.
JULIA
Are you happy with the side you picked?
MARK IS STILL ON THE BANANA LOUNGE OUT OF VIEW BUT IN EAR SHOT OF JULIA.
MARK
I can’t play on this(HE MOTIONS WITH BOTH HANDS TO THE OFFENDING ANKLE). My vice will have to take over.
HE BEGINS TO PICK HIS NOSE. JULIA BRINGS HIM A DINNER. MARK OPENS THE SANDWICH AND INSPECTS THE CONTENTS, JULIA HAS ALREADY DEPARTED TO THE KITCHEN. MARK LOOKS LESS THAN IMPRRESSED WITH THE SPUDS BUT EATS THEM ANYWAY. GRIMACES A LITTLE AS HE CHEWS. HE LOOKS A LITTLE UNSTABLE.
EXT.THE BACK OF A PAIR OF BROWNIES HEADS AT A DOOR. THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
EATING A DATE SLICE WHEN HE OPENS THE DOOR.
KIM
Sorry Ladies, I’ve already made my contribution for the year.
FIRST BROWNIE(QUITE TALL)
Please Sir we only have one more to sell and then we can get back home for our dinners.
KIM
I’m very sorry I just bought a truckload of the stuff.
HE BRANDISHES THE CRUMBLING SLICE. TAKES ANOTHER BITE. HIS EYES BEGIN TO WATER. HE STANDS THERE FIGHTING THE SLICE DOWN THE TUBE.
PAUSE.
KIM
All gone!
SECOND BROWNIE(QUITE SHORT)
No problem Mister!
THE BROWNIES GIVE HIM A BIT OF A GREASY AND DEPART.
INT.KIM GOES INTO THE TOILET AND WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH TOILET PAPER AND PUTS THE SLICE BACK IN THE FRIDGE.
KIM(LIPS NOT MOVING)
Yet another financial disaster avoided.(HE SITS IN A CHAIR) That’s one pack of date slice in 12 years.(HE SIPS A BEER) Sooner or later they’ll catch on that there is something fishy going on.(HE RUBS HIS CHIN) In that every year I answer the door eating a date slice.(HE RECLINES, HANDS ON HEAD) Cross that valley when we come to it.(HE CLOSES HIS EYES)
EXT. THE BROWNIES ARE RUNNING. SEE HOW THEY RUN.
INT.PETER IS GINGERLY EXITING THE TOILET. HE IS CARRYING HIS PREVIOUS CLOTHES AND NOW WEARING VERY SHODDY GEAR – HIS TOILET WEAR. HIS OLD CLOTHES GO IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET – DOWN THE BOTTOM. AMANDA IS CRACKING NUTS ON THE FLOOR AND EATING THEM WITH A BEER CAN. SHE WRITES SOME THINGS IN PETERS EXERCISE BOOK, PONDERS A MOMENT, THEN WRITES AGAIN. SCRIBBLES SOMETHING OUT AND WRITES AGAIN. PETER SHUFFLES TO AN ARMCHAIR AND PUTS FIVE PILLOWS ON THE SEAT AND GENTLY LOWERS HIS POSTERIOR DOWN.
EXT. JOHNS DOG IS SNIFFING AT THE SHED. SOBS ARE HEARD. THE FIRST BROWNIE PEERS OVER THE FENCE. POSSIBLY LOOKING FOR THE CHILD. GIVES THE YARD A THOROUGH SEARCH VIA THE EYE SOCKETS. THE BROWNIES HEAD DISAPPEARS. THE SECOND BROWNIE LOOKS THROUGH A CRACK...IN THE FENCE.
EXT.AN OLDER CHILD THAN THE FIRST CHILD AT PETERS DOOR -PRESSES THE BUTTON.
INT. PETER AND AMANDA IN A PASSIONATE EMBRACE, AMANDA NUTCRACKER IN HAND, PETER PEN IN HAND, THE DOOR BELL RINGING. AMANDA GETS OFF – PETER LOOKING A TOUCH RELIEVED NOT TO SAY DISHEVELLED.
EXT. THE CHILD AT THE DOOR, THE DOOR OPENS.
AMANDA(AGITATED)
No more bloody Date Slice Thank You!
SHE REALISES HER MISTAKE – MAKES NO APOLOGY – PRODUCES A NUT FROM HER NIGHTIE – CRACKS IT. THE CHILD LOOKING PETURBED BEFORHAND IS NOW IN SHOCK.
AMANDA
Well what the hell do you want? Do you realise what I’ve given up to be here?(SHE LICKS HER HAND FOR TRACES OF NUTS)
INT. PETER IS PRACTISING HIS HOICK TO COW-CORNER. THEN PRACTISING HIS RECOGNITION OF THE APPLAUSE. REPEATS A FEW TIMES. RESTS ON HIS BAT.
SECOND CHILD
It’s my sister Vivian. We can’t find her. Have you seen her?
INT. PETER IS NOW PRACTISING HIS BOWLING ACTION; IT’S THAT OF A TEAR-AWAY QUICK.
AMANDA
No – now bugger off.
SHE SLAMS THE DOOR. THE CHILD BREAKS INTO TEARS. PAUSES FOR A WHILE AND THEN LEAVES.
EXT. JOHN AND RAZOR ARE PLAYING LEAP-FROGGY IN THE BACK YARD IN FRONT OF THE SHED. JOHN CLIMBS OVER RAZOR’S BACK AND VICE VERSA; THEY REPEAT AGAIN AND AGAIN. A CRICKET BAT AND BALL HAVE BEEN DISCARDED ON THE LAWN. SOBBING CAN BE HEARD BENEATH THE LAUGHTER AND GIGGLING OF JOHN AND RAZOR.
INT. IN THE SHED IS ALL SORTS OF CRICKET GEAR. THE FIRST CHILD IS IN TEARS. THE SIGHT OF SO MUCH CRICKET GEAR EXACERBATES HER TRAUMA. LAUGHING AND GIGGLING IS HEARD ABOVE HER TEARS. SHE SITS AGAINST A CABINET AND A PROTECTOR FALLS ON HER. SHE IS SHOCKED. SHE PICKS UP THE PROTECTOR. SHE INSPECTS IT. SHE EVEN SNIFFS IT. SHE’S ALARMED BY THE SMELL. CONFUSED AND UPSET SHE THROWS THE PROTECTOR BACK ON TOP OF THE CABINET. UNSUCCESFUL AT FIRST, SHE BEGINS TO WEEP. FINALLY THE PROTECTOR SETTLES IN IT’S HOME. FRIGHTENED SHE STANDS IN THE CENTRE OF THE SHED – AFRAID TO MOVE. GIGGLING AND LAUGHING IS CONSTANT. THEN IT STOPS.
EXT.THE EMPTY YARD BUT FOR THE CRICKET BAT AND BALL. THE GRASS.
EXT. THE GRASS. MARK AND JULIA’S BACK YARD. MARK IN HIS BANANA LOUNGE IS LOUNGING BUT NURSING A HEAVILY BANDAGED LEFT ANKLE. IT’S RIDICULOUS. HE SUCKS ON A BEER CAN. HE EMPTIES THE CAN. TAPS ON THE CAN WITH HIS FINGERS. JULIA ENTERS WITH A FRESH ONE. EXITS WITH THE EMPTY ONE. THROUGH THE WINDOW JULIA IS TALKING TO A MAN. THAT MAN IS TONY. TONY IS LOOKING VERY SERIOUS JULIA IS LOOKING SLIGHTLY CONCERNED, SHE IS GLANCING OUT TOWARD MARK. MARK IS OBLIVIOUS. HE IS RESIGNED TO THE FACT THAT HE MAY NEVER PLAY AGAIN. JULIA AND TONY ENTER TOGETHER.
MARK
So I will never play again(SUCKS ON THE CAN). So be it. Never cared much for the game anyway.
TONY AND JULIA PREPARE THEMSELVES FOR AN ONSLAUGHT.
MARK
Never cared much for the club either. Stupid left side. Never used it much anyway.(HE JUMPS UP AND PRACTISES A HOICK – DOES NOT USE HIS LEFT SIDE MUCH THEN RETURNS TO HIS LOUNGE.HE TAKES A BIG DRINK)
TONY
Mark, you have to realise that you must stay off your achilles. You may never walk again. I’ve sorted you out with the good stuff from my personal stash.(HE DRIFTS OFF) The finest green this side of the Estate. From the finest stash this side of this side of the Estate.
JULIA
Yes – thank you Tony. I think Mark should rest now. So piss off.
TONY PRODUCES A SMILE AND A WINK. MARK IS ASHEN. JULIA IS MOTHER-HEN LIKE AND THE BANANA LOUNGE IS AS SINISTER AS ALWAYS. TONY DEPARTS AND JULIA FOLLOWS. SILENCE. MARK SIPS.
P.O.V FROM JOHNS FRONT DOOR THE SECOND CHILD COMING THROUGH THE FRONT GATE, UP THE STAIRS AND TO THE DOOR.
INT.RAZOR SITTING AND DRINKING WHEN THE DOOR BELL RINGS. RAZOR GETS UP TO ANSWER THE DOOR.
EXT.THE BACK OF THE SECOND CHILD WAITING AT THE FRONT DOOR. RAZOR OPENS THE DOOR.
SECOND CHILD
Excuse me, sorry to bother you. Have you seen my sister?
SHE PRODUCES A PHOTO OF THE FIRST CHILD. RAZOR SQUINTS AND LOOKS OFF TO THE SIDE, UNCOMFORTABLY. HE SWALLOWS.
RAZOR(MOCK INDIGNANCE)
You bloody kids. We found your sister in our yard. Let this be a lesson for you. Wait here.
RAZOR SHUTS THE DOOR. THE SECOND CHILD WAITS THERE. SHE WAITS FOR SOME SECONDS. THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN. RAZOR PRODUCES THE FIRST CHILD. HE USHERS HER OUT.
RAZOR
I don’t want to find you back here again.
THE FIRST CHILD SMALLER THAN THE SECOND FITS UNDER HER SISTERS ARM. THEY LEAVE QUIETLY.
INT. JOHN IS IN THE BUBBLE BATH WITH A DRINK AND CUCUMBER EYES. CANDLES ALL ABOUT THE PLACE. RAZOR ENTERS WITH A DRINK AND A WEARING ONLY A TOWEL.
JOHN
Was that the door bell?
RAZOR
Brownies.
JOHN
Did you want some Date Slice?
RAZOR
Not from them.
RAZOR FIGHTS BACK A SMIRK. AS HE LATHERS UP HIS HANDS WITH AN EXOTIC LOTION.
EXT.MARK ON THE BANANA LOUNGE. JULIA ENTERS BEARING A PAIR OF CRUTCHES.
JULIA
Here you are, love. I used these when I had a bad leg. They’re my crutches.
MARK
Yes thank you Julia I know what they are.(HE SIGHS) I’m sorry darl.
JULIA PULLS A FOLDING OUTDOOR CHAIR UP TO MARK’S FEET. SHE PLACES HER HAND ON HIS RIGHT LEG. SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND SMILES. MARK TAKES A CRUTCH AND KNIGHTS JULIA.
MARK
Arise, Sir Julia.
JULIA
I’ll get us a drink.
WE FOLLOW JULIA TO THE FRIDGE FOR A CAN OF BEER. THE CAN OF BEER IN HER HAND.
INT. A CAN OF BEER IN HER HAND SHE SITS NEXT TO MARK FOR THE SATURDAY MATCH REPORTS. THE CAMERA SETTLES ON JOHN, OUT THE FRONT. HE HAS A SCOREBOOK IN HAND.
JOHN
Match reports.
(AGAIN, LOUDER)
Match Reports!
JOHN STANDS OUT THE FRONT OF THE CLUB, IT BEING SO LATE CONSISTS OF ONLY SEVEN PEOPLE.
RAZOR(FIRMLY)
Match reports!
JOHN
Well the fourths, thirds and the seconds all played Villawood and all sides (EMPHATICALLY)lost. Thank you.
JOHN RETURNS TO HIS SEAT AS PETER ASSUMES THE MANTLE.
PETER
The First Eleven travelled to Villawood and we (EMPHATICALLY)won! On a personal note I made a few runs, without a slice of luck, and did well with the ball. Thank you. Thank you all.
EXT. THROUGH THE WINDOWS OF THE CLUB. SILENCE EXCEPT FOR THE CRICKETS. JOHN, PETER, AND KIM IN THEIR WHITES. ALL PRISTINE – NOT A GRASS STAIN TO BE SEEN.. KIM IS BEHIND THE BAR. AMANDA IS DRINKING WITH PETER. JOHN IS GOING OVER A SCOREBOOK. ENTER RAZOR FROM THE GENTS IN HIS WHITES, HIS KNESS ARE AS GRASS STAINED AS CAN BE. HE SITS NEXT TO JOHN. MARK IS ON A BENCH IN TRACKSUIT PANTS HIS LEG LAID UP, CRUTCHES BY HIS SIDE – JULIA BY HIS SIDE. THEY ARE ALL DRINKING. CREDITS ROLLING.
More Posts
607 Posts dating from November 2006
Email Subscription
Receive e-mail notifications of new posts on this blog:
Norm
Mal
Add Comments
Comments (2)
