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Equal and Opposite - November 2006

The pastuerization of Bacon

Francis “Crispy Ring” Bacon, 1st Viscount St. Spoonbender was the proud owner of a chemistry set and his mother had quite a set too, which she would lay out for all to see. “Ham Hands”, as they called him in the cold storage facility, was a revolutionary with knees that barely touched the ground, a head that looked like a smashed in tea-cosy and a liking for kindergartens. He was hit over the head with a mallet by the royal family and became extinct upon his death. It was Louis “The Lip” Pastuer or “Cream Pants” who was a French dwarf with the middle leg of a giant and the hands of a surgeon general. He is best remembered for getting “a bit tipsy” at the Christmas party and snogging the boss’ wife in the “broom cupboard” and demonstrating that wine goes sour after you’ve had a few and left it overnight. His experiments with the Karma Sutra confirmed germ theory of disease and he caught rabies; all in one night. He lead some to believe he was a Chemist.



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Super Cows Harvesting People

Killer Ubercows
The top species.

A race of super-dexterous Heffers have taken control of cattle stations on the continent. When asked what their purposes for taking the farmers hostage, their leader, a cow called Rooster, stated: We are planning to breed these farmers in quantities as befits the appetites of Ubercows. We have 16 stomachs and we will eat anything.

The plan to put human life to use has begun in earnest.
Humans opposed to the move have been equalled by those who approve of the large scale slaughter by mechanical means.
The Cows have made it clear that some man-based food products will be available for those who can afford them: charming gentlemen and ladies respectably attired, well spoken with immaculate fingernails.
Would you be prepared to put your life to a purpose?
The unemployment rate is set to plummet.
Big business has eagerly backed the move, offering to make expedient the suitable genetic candidates for the carniverous cows.
Fierce opponents say other cows face recriminations in the form of mass slaughters.
Other gentle and dignified beasts face some of the backlash, with reports of dog beatings and the raising of pigs only to torture and murder the creatures - described by some as better company than humans.
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The eroticism of bearded ladies

Germain Greer and Ita Buttrose

Wouldn’t it be more sexually attractive – alluring – for women to have little moustaches(or big hursuit upper-lips as to your fancy)?
Germaine with a Boony or Hilary with a soup-strainer.
Pamela with handlebars or The Hotel Girl with muttonchops.
Wouldn’t you, fellas, look at a woman with a wispy little tuft above her lips as provocative?
Lovely, luscious lips and a tuft of hair: delicious!
In this day and age(EST) of sexual equality, ladies where be your face funghi?
I could be persuaded to find a bit of fluff enough.
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Gaudi and Mies van der Rohe

Gaudi and Mies


Antoni “Brisket-licker” Gaudi (alias Frederico Pedagogi) also known as “The Golden Trousers” was a Spanish(dirt eating chauvinists) Architect with broad legs and two solid forearms of similar proportions. His great passion was the systematic massacre of ant colonies and it was on this battlefield that he came to be known as “The Little General” or “Sly the Monkey Tamer” or “Hairy Elbows” or across the border “That stinking stinker who stinks”. Famous for his fancy syle and fantastic trousers, he wore fantastic trousers and had a fateful attitude to knee-length socks.
Curlywig or Permtops Mies van der Rohe, The Smiling Assasin, had hair like fire and dandruff to match, that fell down onto a pubic hair, crab infested, arse-moustache finely wrought in thick, oily, curly and crabby thick, oily hair that hung about his arse like some bizarre Northern European belt like they make in large quantities of poor quality in small and poor villages, that can only afford steel and glass houses, that soar towards breathing air unfit for breath by even the least deserving lungs, such as those you might find in universities throughout the world.
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For Each and Every

Choose two works,
One early and one later,
By any one of the following artists:
Max Beckmann.
Investigate possible influences
Which have played a part
In the development
Of their ideas and imagery
Over a period of time.
Keep in mind
The times they lived in
And the social and industrial
Changes they experienced
Which in turn brought about
Change to their art.
Max Beckmann.
Remember that at the end
He was an old man,
And at the start he was young.
Choose two works;
Choose too wisely.
Take the year 1909;
Take the painting Double Portrait.
Then Take his Adam and Eve,
Done in 1917.
Barely young, Max,
Hardly old.
Eight years difference,
If my maths is any good.
Now calculate the art;
Calculate.
Adam and Eve minus Double Portrait
Equals?
Stripped naked,
Not a skerrick of material.
Back to the jungle.
Some sort of paradise,
No paradise like domestic such.
From the later first,
First the later.
A beard on Adam.
White as a sheet,
A young black line:
Is this Beckmann’s own fall?
The fall into darkness.
Anyway, nevermind, onwards.
Besides, apparently inwards.
In the first a casual pose,
His more than hers.
She is concerned;
Her sex is her concern,
Her sex is his concern.
From virginal modesty-constraint
To this frumpy slut,
As tall as her sitting
She is standing.
Well worn hip joint!
What of him -
Early on a scratch -
A touch of the reproductive palette!
Later: Hello Ladies!
The change in subject.
A thriving populace then
A dispirited continent.
What was one becomes
Two, separated by nature;
One: joined by the cloth.
After all wartrauma is.
May have been the same
Without the war,
Who’s to say?
It was what it was.
Magnificent example of a human being.
Double Portrait something of the French -
Adam and Eve something of the German.
The clash of nations:
French killing German,
German killing French.
He became what he was:
German.
A Gauguin daffodil sprung up:
The Frenchman who shunned France.
Gauguin colour would grow to be fruitful
For Beckmann.
Cezanne like is Eve;
Gauguin like Yellow Christ is Adam;
The yellow is in the flower,
That could be the Flower of Evil.
It’s a picture from Medieval:
Adam and Eve unmistakably Germanic.
He in the shadow of the Tree,
Hiding under knowledge;
She in the crisp sun light
Offering an applebreast -
Could be after the fact, is that
A bun in the oven?
Adam the surrogate;
The paternity is with the snake.
Ungrateful Rib!
Earlier she was devoted,
Attentive,
Modest,
Chaste,
And he was relaxed and comfortable;
Things were going well;
More hair than forehead,
Confident and assured.
Where did this angst come from?
Set in Cezanne environs,
More than a hint of Delacroix,
More than a nudge of Munch.
Mincing around with subtlety;
A touch here,
A touch there.
Faith in nature:
The horror of Nature;
Not flowers,
Humanity.
Under the social fabric
Skin hangs on ribs.
In the background,
There in the Double Portrait,
Over her shoulder,
Is that some dark face?
The profile of the Devil?
And a black cloud
Over his head.
The forecast of works to come;
Later may have been what it was
Regardless of anything
He wanted to avoid.
She is already dark there,
Sheathed in black;
He more a woody brown,
Clothed in the tree:
Wearing his knowledge;
She wearing her ignorance,
Bathed in the window light.
Between the two
The Titanic sinks.
The news of the days,
The Great War;
Beckmann will vouch for the greatness.
Tagged such by whom?
For Beckmann the leap
Made from gifted apprentice
To mature master
Was made through
The Great War.
That Great war:
Great.
The German turns the mirror to his people,
Those who others bunch him with;
Staunch human that he is in fact.
In Beckmann’s Double Portrait
Our dark urges
Are outside of us,
In his Adam and Eve
Those dark urges
Are the reason why we are
As we are.
Between his birth and the Double Portrait,
Influences?
A million and one!
None could be more than own experiences.
Why would the German paint like a Frenchman?,
In this case,
This double Portrait;
Elsewhere of this date:
Touches of a European Union,
The war on art waged by the Cubists;
Beckmann turned back the clock.
Nothing Supreme here in this Adam and Eve;
Where be your triangles on a flat ground?
Communist?
Internationalist?
The Bolsheviks are coming!
Something this way does come.
Maybe that Eve has a touch of the Rosa Luxenbourgs.
Where is Lenin, at the Finland Station?
Certainly the artist matures,
Turmoil: 1909 and 1917,
Turmoil: 2006.
Double Portrait is a statement:
I’m looking,
Not turning away.
The way events have been turned into lasting imagery:
Perspicacious!
The study of Art,
His study of Art
From all epochs
Led him to do so.
His was a dialogue with the past;
Now that he is past
The dialogue is still fresh.
Can a specific artist be pinned
As Abbott to his Costello?
If Newtons third law of motion:
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction
Be applied to Art:
As for each and every artwork
There is an equal and opposite artwork,
Then make a leap -
Intuitive:
Call Beckmann an opposite reaction to
Peter Pauwel Rubens action.
If you admit that,
Admit that;
Then the question begs:
Could he have been compelled to change?
And if so,
Would this not have caught him faster
In the almighty net?,
Of what we are capable of
And not so.
The more we struggle the deeper we sink;
Then the depths are what Art is all about,
Struggle,
Then the surface is what all Art is about;
All we have of a painting is a surface.
So the search for Two Rubens’
That are opposite to
Our two:
One Early and one Later.
Take a year around 1600,
Early in Rubens career
And the work: Adam and Eve;
Go forward eight or so years
To The Self Portrait with Isabella Brant;
The Double Portrait.
He was able to assemble
The tools to match Rubens;
To be the equal of
And the opposite of.
The subject remains intact
For Max,
The treatment is the opposition.
Whatever Rubens did
Max was compelled to do the opposite -
As Virgil to Dante, similarly
Rubens to Beckmann:
Rubens’: fertile
Beckmann’s: barren
Rubens’: elegant
Beckmann’s: angular
Rubens’: beautiful
Beckmann’s: ugly
Rubens’: classic
Beckmann’s: christian
Rubens’: pastoral
Beckmann’s: theatrical
Rubens’: cultured
Beckmann’s: humble
Rubens’: ornate
Beckmann’s: simple
Rubens’: bright
Beckmann’s: sombre
Rubens’: calm
Beckmann’s: anxious
The greatest influence
Is that significant other
That an artist has in art;
An action and a reaction.
The most influential factor
Is that significant other.
Viewed objectively,
As the study of a species,
Art is an activity,
A natural activity.
It is subject to the same laws
As the rest of nature.
Manmade is natural.
It is natural for humans to make.
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Phidias and Cimabue

Plutarch(a suspicious man in a trenchcoat with the hems of a pair of trousers cut off and attached to the hem) gives the perfect demonstration of unfurling a monument in his Life of Penisease(a charming account of hiding in the bushes). Most monuments in the time of Pericles(a man with an iron fist and a groin of leather) were done by the erstwhile and compliant and the most doe-eyed of all monument(permanent erection) creators was Phidias(Fiddles to his family), a man on the run from the authorities for fare evasion, littering and urinating on a gravestone. “Salty Trousers” lived a mostly quiet life shunning the limelight of Italian high society, instead preferring to live out on the street in a rudimentary cardboard shack just outside the grotto district, an area known for it’s colourful community of trouser wearing, pasta eating metrosexuals(a woman dressed like a woman, smelling like a woman and twice as sweet as both). It was here that Cimabue, he of the Salty Pantaloons, acquired his love affair with scents, of which he had more money than.
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Homer and Petrarch

Homer: legendary legend or manly man? Either way, and it is either way, it was his plumbing that sets his stuff over others of similar standing. Digging ditches in the day and composing poems for greeting cards by day, this “individual” is, generally, thought to have been an irresponsible philanderer subject to bouts of dirt-road rage. However, who are we to judge? Leave a comment and we’ll soon find out, or get your own.
Frankie “The Nose” Petrarcaboobtube(that’s Petrarch to you), not to be confused with Plutarch(a scurrolous rumour-monger and fish eater), was a chicken boning factory worker of the humble nation of Italy(the home of the greasy wop) and early human(pre dating neanderthal). The Nose and Dante* shared a night of forbidden insight, a claim his executors strongly deny(with the hand gestures), because they gave birth to a rebirth.


*Dante was a man like any other, close associate of Virgil(close associate of *), and wobbly kneed lollipop lady.
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DuFay and Buxtehude

From the projections, it is estimated that The Nasty Pasty and the anti-Nasty Pasty(The Flying Mattress) were probably born in a year and a country. Scholars dispute both the year and the country, although now most accept it, while some play chopsticks on the piano designed for toddlers. Soon a cathedral recognized a runaway train ploughing through its doors, and settling near the parapet where the Flying Mattress and The Short Lip and the Long Nose both met, and shook hands and agreed and went about the daily and nightly task of ignoring the injustice of life and the tragedy of living only to die. Authorities undertook interrogations and made some of the finest compositions in lawns with perfect edges and gutters without leaves and paint perfectly applied to perfectly sanded walls with immaculate bristles from spotless brushes. Others claim that the births took place independently, but when The Happy Fatalist began signing his name in ink with a pen, on paper and as The Flying Mattress and vice versa the Cathedral gave a thorough training in music.
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The Bodies of Artists

The body of work produced by Rembrandt is equal to those of Wagner and Balzac and opposite to the body of work produced by Cezanne whose work is equal to those of Schoenburg and Joyce.
The body of work produced by Leonardo is equal to those of Mozart and Shakespeare and opposite to the body of work produced by Picasso whose work is equal to that of Glass.
The body of work produced by Durer is equal to that of Johnson and opposite to the body of work produced by Van Gogh whose work is equal to that of Beckett.
The body of work produced by Rubens is equal to that of Milton and opposite to the body of work produced by Beckmann whose work is equal to that of Eno.
The body of work produced by El Greco is equal to that of Cervantes and opposite to the body of work produced by Dali.
The body of work produced by Veronese is opposite to the body of work produced by Ingres whose work is equal to that of Eliot.
The body of work produced by Giotto is equal to those of J.S. Bach and Chaucer and opposite to the body of work produced by Gauguin whose work is equal to those of Stravinsky and Baudelaire.
The body of work produced by Phidias is equal to those of DuFay and Homer and opposite to the body of work produced by Cimabue whose work is equal to those of Buxtehude and Petrarch.
The body of work produced by Poussin is opposite to the body of work produced by Lautrec.
The body of work produced by Monet is equal to that of Zola and opposite to the body of work produced by Rousseau whose work is equal to that of Hibberd.
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VICO and SPENGLER

Mae West and Vico

After a bout of realizing the futility of all human action in the face of the all encompassing polarity of the compass, The Linen Axe accepted a tutoring position in a position he found uncomfortable. He charred his childhood friends in a fire and took a chair and threw it in as well. The University of Nipples took him in for a bit of TNA but he sat in a respectable chair and ate celery far surpassing the rhetoric until ill-health forced him to retire to his quarters. Ozzie Arnold “The Governor” Gottfried “Eggs” Spengler was a charming hysterical philosopher whose interests included counting trains and art. He is best known for his book The Decline of the West and The Rise of Mae West in which he puts forth and multiplies. After Decline was punished in his ear, “Eggs” produced a spatula and threatened to scrape up the floor “with all you maggots”. He wrote extensively throughout with a biro that failed at the most inappropriate times resulting in poor penmanship and profanities. But “The Swearing Spatula” hung a Nazi outside his window to support ideas of racial superiority and his work the Hour of Decision gained him an ostrich.
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El Greco and Dali: Cervantes and The Shaggin' Wagon

Windmill and HJ

El Greco, who had a long leg along with a short leg, and Dali, who had a short leg along with a long leg, sat with Cervantes, who had a long arm along with a short arm, and The Shaggin' Wagon who had a short arm along with a long arm, in the strange and normal eating and shitting house of north-west aspect of south-east alignment. Nothing was said. It was said after that everything was said. Eyes darted. Dali and The Shaggin' Wagon went on a little trip hand in hand with vaseline in toe. So it is that the works of El Greco are opposite those of Dali and equal those of Cervantes whose works, it will be shown, will be opposite those of The Shaggin' Wagon whose works will be equal those of Dali. Dali adjusted his crotch and El Greco stretched out an arm. It’s a man’s world and the world’s a shit-hole.
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Dennis Pagan and Paul Roos

AFL Footballs

Denis “Pimple Lips” Pagan, otherwise known as “The Cherry Tapper” and “The Coital Reliever” and “Skanky Hoe Toes” and “Old Man Riverlet” is a man of incredibly small stature trapped in the body of a man of considerable stature. Born into a family of pumpkin farmers “Skyman Boneface”, as he was known, quickly established himself as a potato picker to rank with the greatest face powderers the game has known, revolutionizing the use of teaspoon use with his revolutionary use of tablespoons. It was the opposite for Paul Roos. Paul “Luna Park Lips” Roos, or “Frankly Freddie” or “The Orifice”, is a former magistrate to the supreme being, appointed by his own father( a former lady of her mighty fine skirts and upholstery). It was in the year of his birth that he came into this world, ironically the same day of his own birth, a fact not lost on his numerous detractors, notably Malcolm “The Flying Moustache” Blight (“Old Fancy Pants” and “The Self-Pleasure Machine”) who has detracted from his own accomplishments by being known as “Bend Over Boys For it is I”, or just plain Bob to Roos. He is a hit with the ladies. They both are.
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Aussie Lingo

Aerial Ruddocks

The addition of vowels to abbreviated forms is the definition, to my shortened knowledge(TMSK), of Australian language. This, (TMSK), has it's origins in the openness of the Indigenous mouth. A mouth that is the representation of an open and spiritual character, that was advanced to the point of using aerodynamic technology (boomerang), before the wheel arived on injustice-ships from the mother of John "Bates Hotel" Howard; for what use would a spiritual(air) character have of the wheel? To the "average" Australian embrace and exalt the spirit and character of openness. Arise Sir Native of these shores. Credit where it is due. Righto. To the reader, no my co-equal, abbreviate and add the vowels of good.
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Redress of Paragraph 1 of the Critique of Pure Leviathan(slightly tipsy).

Hobbes and Kant

For Hobbes it is Us, lucky us! And for Kant it is Our, please Immy tell us more!
For H it is thoughts and for K it is knowledge that we should read about.
So can I, as the holder of my belief, say that thought and knowledge are as East is to West?, that is opposite.
K goes on to mention thought and objects(which H also goes onto).
H, has an interest in man(as some specimen in a jar) that K doesn’t have.
K introduces the abstraction of time, (what the fuck is time?) as H talks of man(life).
Life and time are like opposite ends of the same thing, yes?
Opposing ways of embracing, in a word, the one thing?
Or is Time itself Death(the true opposite of life, for me anyway)?
K talks of arousal and H talks of man(aroused).
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
For H it is apparences and for K it is representations.
Are apparences and representations two ends of the same stick?
Apparence is outside us and representation is within, oui?
H’s interest in imagination and K’s in reason.
In the nutshell is the general.
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The Critique of Pure Leviathan: 1

Thomas Hobbes and Immanuel Kant

Concerning the Thoughts of our knowledge, I will consider them first with experience; there can be of some quality, or other. For how is it possible that other parts of womans body should be awakened into exercise. The Origin of them all, and partly of themselves, is that which we call sensuous organs. In respect of the business, no knowledge of my present requires close investigation, and not the same in this place. Knowledge of this kind is called Seeing, Hearing, and Smelling: that is, in qualities called Sensible. Yet still the whole meaning of the question in all cases, is that this or that may, for the cause of Hearing, undermine his house. I must let you see on all occasions he needed not to have waited for what things would fall when their supports are insignificant. For example, Speech is one, because conception can only be by the motion of external things.
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Edgar Allan Poe, Gustave Dore and Enrico Caruso

Edgar Allan Poe, Gustave Dore and Enrico Caruso
Gustave Doré was one of the best stallions "Edgar Allan Poe," has had. Enrico Caruso both in terms of number and ink left his mark behind, one of the best kept secrets in Hollywood, and was willing to claim he was ignored at the auction because of his giant. From this mass of disjointed hands they produced many good difficulties with life and personality. They became known as the greatest of 9 approved sons, most of them manipulating his own monument. 2 or more approved sons in the U.S. among others, however, give pause to the British reply, "So what?". Many are unaware of the extent that the death of horses brings tears to all lovers of the great French gentleman, rather the worse for his most famous son. To put that in perspective, the previous record for his sire's footsteps here should not be considered an endorsement of really just enormous "beastly intoxication." Whichever account you accept he was found to have an extremely gentle character & was really very accepted.
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Interview With Steven Spielberg and Trey Parker.

Over the years, Spielberg-Parker has set the gold standard of material on rectangles; it was all a form of flattery. I spoke to them.
Steven Spielberg and Trey Parker

Q. Are you surprised you've become a concert pianist, looked after the people who've come out?
Spielberg-Parker: We've never considered ourselves a director, he's the most his father won't touch. No one else has muscle like that enough to put anything down that people rush to see.
Q. Where do you get your mild form of whole big fertile home movies?
Spielberg-Parker: It's funny because I think a lot of it is simply a tree-planting business. There is nothing we rapidly became more while hitch-hiking and become friends and lovers. And he didn't realize, only to quit over a perceived discrimination against homosexuals saying he loved it. I've been to Iraq so I know everything.
Q. How often do you scrap a tiny transistor?
Spielberg-Parker: But it was pretty, finding an abandoned janitor's backroom, doing it and it just sort of all came, washing it down with milk, and I remember I came to the table and said, ‘shove towels under his door to keep out the bad characters.
Q. Was there already a rich blind woman who purchases the eyes of an animated form?
Spielberg-Parker: There really was a full-length critter. Spooky stuff, despite the nagging suspicion that we had some good holidaymakers, and feasting on some critics that said, 'Well her child is to be put up for adoption as I get married and have kids.’
Q. Has it been good?
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Charles Baudelaire and George W. Bush

Charles Baudelaire and George W. Bush

President Bush is married to Laura Welch Bush, a former teacher and librarian, The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie; a minor stroke or some other sudden sign of deteriorating health gave him a "warning" of the consequences of alcohol, opium, and hashish, and they have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna ... And this doctrine (the enemy of art) was alleged to apply not only to Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie, because President Bush believes the strength of America lies. A "disgusting insult thrown into the face of all analysts", Bush has taken unprecedented steps to become vulgar and always preserves the cool smile of the former teacher and librarian, due to the sudden break with his mother and the grief it caused, Barney is confident that by helping build free and prosperous societies, that he was a single person, that his life had been given him for nothing and our friends and allies will succeed in making America more secure and probably at this time he became addicted to opium. He has supported programs that encourage individuals to help their syphilis, which turned out to be lethal and a cat, Willie. Baudelaire was sent to boarding school, which turned out to be lethal but for most of his life maintained a relationship with friends and allies.
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Richie Benaud and Shane Warne

Richie Benaud and Shane Warne

Rich "The Man with the Iron Leg" Benaud was and is and always will be a man with an iron leg; perfect for holding doors open and keeping them open and shut. Undoubtedly one of the games finest throwers of puddings and desserts and flans and cakes, "Iron Pegs" has become the voice box of a nation of blithering idiots and brain-dead fanatics.The wearer of an assortment of fabulous multi-coloured safari suits and petticoats, "Peg Legs" is best described as "...perhaps the most fluent linguist anyone can remember with a memory like a septic tank and the manners to match." It was upon seeing the fantastic suits, that a very strange thing happened to the chain-smoking, telephone addict Shane "Ring Tickler" Warne: he was lured off the couch and into the back yard where he discovered his love for pottery and other crafts. The market stall he set up became famous for his pots and mugs and the locals knew him for all the right reasons. It is for the reasons of the work they have done that "Iron Legs" and "Ring Tickler" are Opposite.
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