Norm
MalPEDESTRIANS WATCH YOUR STEP
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[ March 2007 ] [ May 2007 ]
Equal and Opposite - April 2007
Meet sexy singles online.
Whatever you do, don't meet them offline. They won't be sexy. And they won't be single.
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McDONALD'S FAMILY RESTAURANT
By a street, my preferred fast food outlet is McDonald's Family Restaurant. When I'm eating the delicious food that you find at McDonald's I feel such a gamut of things. Sick in the guts is not one. At McDonald's I can enjoy the benefits of my humanity. I want fries with that. My sense of being an upright creature with a fine standing is that my carriage should be fueled by love. it is the love that goes into making a McDonald's meal that fills me with some things. Somethings are best left on the plate. Sick in the guts is not one. It is the love that I am eating when I bite into one of their burgers. Sick in the guts is not one. I can honestly sit here and tell you that I love to eat love. And yes, I want fries with that. Bring back capital punishment. I want fries with that. I want to see fries. Potatoheads are best fried. I feel no guilt about executing my own. The meat in this piece: McDonald's Family Resaurants. Their charitable work in the community is altruism in its purist form. An Altruism Thickshake, Large. I want fries with that and sick in the guts is not one thing, it's many. Ronald McDonald in the kitchen? Any clowning around in the kitchen is always a good thing. A kitchen in a restaurant is a place for clowns. Clowns belong being lots of things in lots of places. Sick in the guts is not one. It's very popular to belittle the family restaurant. I love the Family and I love the Restaurants. I love family restaurants. The Family and the Restaurant: equal.
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A befitting title
Because I am an artist, I am above much that is beneath me, including the vulgarity of advertising. Buy New Things. It has been evident to me for quite some time now that, this world is a terrible place to live. Buy Flowers at a Florist. For what it is worth, I am well aware that I need to work on myself, as is customary. Buy a Mirror at a Glazier. I, above anyone else, know full well that nobody can hold a candle to my enlightened moral beliefs. Buy Anything Here. It’s known to too few that I am kept regular by my delicious moral fibre. Turn up to Work or You’ll be Fired. Despite my excellence, I always have some time for others with poorer vision. Get Spectacles. Look, I’m not one to ask more from others than I would of myself. Buy Stationary to Write with. My keyboard is stuck in my gullet and I am an idiot. I can honestly say that writing and advertising: opposite.
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Why I had to buy a plastic bum.
I blame computer speak. I typed ROFLMFAO. (Rolling on the floor laughing my fucking arse off). Fell of my chair. Onto the floor. Got up. Only to find. My bum was gone. It had fallen off too. I'd laughed the fucking thing off. Literally! Computer speak is real. Be very careful. Take it seriously. The consequences of not? My pants kept slipping off. With no lovely bum cheeks to hold them up? What else was going to happen? I needed a new bum. No idea. Tried the Yellow Pages online. Not happy Jan! Finally found an adult sex shop. Fought off eighteen gay men to buy the only plastic bum left. And stuck some fluff to it. Gays and Straights? Opposites.
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You made your bed. Don't lie in it.
Cliches? They're all wrong. Any parent will tell you if you've made your bed you don't lie in it. You'll only have to make it again. And it's probably the first time you have made it for ages if you're a child. Your parents will be so happy, they'll proably turn your bedroom into a museum. Carpenters are allowed to lie in the beds they made because they just make the wooden parts. And tube makers. They just make the steel parts. But not children. Cliches and the truth? Opposites.
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Make money blogging
Make money blogging
Go to University. Use your parents' money. Make connections. Call on them. Make a name for yourself. Make a name. Employ people. Tell the world. Advertise on Seek. Call for Writers. Accept some. Pay others. Ignore some. Fall in line. You are a business. The bottom line matters most. It's OK. I understand. Promote the blogs. Have difficulties. Handle them ineffecively. Tell no one what is going on. Be effective. Deliver the goods. You are very busy. Put things a certain way. Throw a couple of parties. Include some. Exclude most. Buy up big. Have domains. Pull the strings. Give them all some rope. Wait for the change to roll in. Play a role. Hang on to your seat. Hang on to your pants. Tell a few lies. Write robotically. Invite people in. Shut some out. Like yourself. Be like Computer. Do the sums. It all ads up. It's OK. It's just business. Do me a favour. Receive thanks. Spit in a few faces. Keep them guessing. Mislead a few. Keep them in the dark. Do a decent job with what you've got. Stay out of it. Get stuck in. No, that's not acceptable. Command respect. Crack no jokes. Be current. Travel and read. Create few personal relationships. Keep well away. Do all the work. Make no mistake. Advertise continually. Keep going. Stop.
www.?.com
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Spooning.
Fellas? If you're afraid of commitment in a relationship? Or of getting your girlfriend pregnant? Buy a spoon. It doesn't have to be silver. Unless she went to a private school. Give it to your girlfriend while you're cuddling and snuggling up to her on the couch watching a chick-flick. Pretending to like it so you can dip your wick. And just say to her. Dong me over the head with this will you? Have my babies Bitch! She'll get wetter than a spoon dipped into clear Queen Bee female honey. Trust me. I'm a beekeeper. I invented the bumblebee vibrator sound. Before I invented the spoon for women who love sex. And only use dildos because men are so fucking stupid. Spooning and fucking? Opposites.
Google Ads.
Where to buy Spoons over the Easter Period.
Do not go to menstruation.com.
Where to buy Spoons over the Easter Period.
Do not go to menstruation.com.
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Sex
Long to have sex with supermodels
Me too.
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Keep it in the family
Incest.
www.sisterlylove.com
Find out if your rack stacks up
Send photos.
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Free Facials.
100% Natural.
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On a wing and a beak and a claw.
It may well be Easter. But forget organised religion. Franchises are the way to go. Go to a KFC and pray to the Colonel. Get his secret recipe for a rich life. Spice up your wallet. Put burning hot fries down your undies. Fuck a chicken. Up its bum. Franchise stuffed chickens. But don't write Stuffed. Market them as cats. Set up a shop in Chinatown. With posters. Of crucified cats and chickens. With the easter bunny mocking them. Saying die species. Die. Just die. Let us enjoy commercialism. Stop trying to make Easter it's something it's not. Come down from your kitty litter box if you are who you say you are. Huh. Knew it. The real meaning of Easter and KFC? Opposites. The easter bunny and chocolate Jesus? Equals. Fries and communion wafers? No idea.
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