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Equal and Opposite - February 2008

Vermeer and Matisse, Norm wants you to know

Jan Vermeer was as culpable of making Dutch ovens as the next man with a paint brush was or is. In that same way Henri Matisse wasn't. He was more of a French pastry chef with a penchant for pickling his penis in a plum jar. Little wonder that he was such a hit with the ladles. The only hit Vermeer ever scored with the ladies was when he ran them down in his Ford Ranger. Many was the late evening that he would come home to his wife and kids and dog and cat and goldfish and canary and rodents with parts of various women attached to his mud flaps. It wouldn't be long before he was attached to his very own flaps of his very own. His wife was very accomodating of stranglers. In much the same way that Matisse's femmes weren't, his were and vice versa. He seemed to attract the most wanton of scallops. If you're ever in doubt as to the status of Matisse in relation to Vermeer, look no further than the end of your own hose. For all this, the works of thse two masters of their own domain names, as I surely might be, named each other in court as perpetual liars and layabouts in the finest traditions of Westerners. It's little wonder that Vermeer and Matisse: opposite. Further still, you couldn't really care less. Even further still, I have to get moving.



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El Greco and Cervantes: the dog's pants.

If there was one thing that Cervantes the Spaniard didn't know it was how much alike he and El Greco the Spaniard are. You could throw a blanket over their output and have a picnic on a field day. To say that the writings of El Greco and the paintings of Cervantes were identical except for the sense that they are appreciated through sounds perfectly reasonable. Defecating in a jam jar and spreading it on your toast doesn't. The number of times that I'd say you can't compare art and lit properly without slipping into your pants in a trance would be manifestly numerous. There's no denying the serious humour of both these natural phenomenons. To equate slipping into your pants with fingering a supect is ample evidence of booby-traps. I'd always say one shouldn't look at Cervantes without reading El Greco; if I was right in the head. As the headless horseman told his stable-hands: "Hold steedy." There are many ways to scan a cat and this is just one of them. El Greco and Cervantes: equal.
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El Greco and Salvador Dali, locked in El Greco Roman blinds

El Greco, the Spanish artist, was a greek with a whopping arm and a sizeable balance. It's hard to say if Salvador Dali, the darling of his mother, ever really knew his mother. More likely is it that he knew El Greco. In knowing himself, as he surely might have, he must have known that he might have been the verso to El Greco's rectum. His own recto was never quite right as you can see by the scale of his fish. If you don't care that his moustache was not a beard, as surely as El Greco's was, then look no further than your ownership of personal affects. Now I could prattle on all day about how and why they were as they were and are as they are but nothing can quite say it like: El Greco and Salvador Dali: opposite. To prove my point I would have you reflect upon the various, and quite tangible, aspects of their art. In a sense they were of the same mind on many hinges.
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I can’t believe how rude some people are.

A professional blogger


Today, my wife decided I needed to take a break from blogging. After the police had pried my hands away from my computer keyboard with the jaws of life, I reluctantly went outside.
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Quantico FBI release embryonic genetic profile on serial bloggers.

Norm (left) gets quite upset as Charles Manson takes a break from being his Orble mentor.


After a quiet month where only a dozen or so psycho US teenagers from wholesome American families went ballistic in murder/suicide rampages at schools, bored Serial Killer Profilers at Quantico Virginia turned their skills and attention to identifying the common traits of the serial blogger, and have released the following genetic profile.
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Sir Paul McCartney’s Divorce Court statement.

Heather Mills listens disinterestedly to Sir Paul's statement in court.


Your Honour,
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Trolley Boy.

wen me obseshun startid


I neva liyucked skoowulll h8id it
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Liesel Jones converts grandma’s stockings into swimming cossie for Beijing assault.

"There wasn't enough material for a cap. I'll be using Gran's bras for that.


Part time model and full-time personal ego-stroker, Liesel Jones, was trying on her grandma’s underwear on the weekend for the annual Myer Grey Power fashion parade. Attempting to put her left leg into a stocking, and at the same time hopping all over the bedroom floor, she slipped and fell head first into a the right leg of Gran’s stockings, wrapping the suspenders around her midriff. When she stood up, Gran said, “Apart from the fact you look like you’re about to rob a bank, I see potential here.” Gran grabbed her dressmaking scissors and freed Liesel’s head. Which took quite a while, as she didn’t want to muck up her hair. “That’s better,” Gran said. “What a great look. You should wear it as a swimming cossie.” Liesel swam a few laps in Gran’s bath, and had to agree, but then went a step further. Without tripping over this time. “Why don’t we design a whole swimming cossie range for Beijing?” Liesel said to the mirror. “Are you talking to me?” Gran asked. Liesel nodded to her own reflection, and they set to work on Gran’s old pedal-powered Singer sewing machine. Both Gran and Liesel were ecstatic at the results. “What about a men’s cossie?” Gran asked. Liesel responded with, “Let’s market them as unisex cossies. Thorpy likes the full body suit and we can sell the left over ones at the Sydney Mardi Gras.” And so they did. And now Gran’s stocking cossie is all the rage. Liesel expects her Me and Gran calendar to be available at K-Mart by Saturday. All proceeds will go to buying an electric sewing machine for Gran.
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The True History of Valentine’s Day.

Wolfy in one of his cross-dressing moments.


There’s no doubt about the ancient Romans. Back when Rome was populated by shepherds and sheep, the blokes running the country decided to get one of the gods to look after the shepherds and sheep at night. So who did they choose? Lupercus. The wolf god. It’d be like getting a convicted rapist to look after a convent of virgins. But that’s the ancient Romans for you.
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Underbelly Update 2 for people living in Melbourne.

For those who missed my first Underbelly post, Underbelly (the Channel 9 TV series that isn't showing in Melbourne) started half an hour ago. I'm trying to give Melbourne peole constant updates so they don't feel like they're missing out.

The chick who gave a statement to the police, and her girlfriend (also a witness) have been put in witness protection. What a joke. Witness protection in Australia. The police have put them in a caravan at what looks like Werribee.

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Underbelly Updates for people living in Melbourne.

Underbelly (the Channel 9 TV series that isn't showing in Melbourne) just started.

It's really good. In the first half-hour, Vince Collosimo's character, Alphonse Gangiatano, shoots this guy, Greg Workman, who owes him money. The police turn up and interview one of the witnesses. She gives a statement but refuses to sign it.
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PM Rudd admits colleagues researched Orble posts to formulate 17 page sorry speech.

Heather Mills, the former mistress of Humphrey B Bear and Paul McCartney, with her current partner Star Spangled Scientology Bear.


A spokesperson for the Prime Minster’s research department has admitted that the wording of the Sorry Speech was deemed so critical to the Labour Party’s continuing success that she spent the last week without sleep just going over and over the multitude of Sorry posts on Orble.
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Humphrey refuses to say Sorry.

Humphrey and John Howard enjoy a racist joke together.


In a 17 page draft of a formal statement to be issued today by Humphrey's lawyer, Mr Squiggle, Humphrey has refused to say sorry to the indigenous peoples of this land primarily because he can’t speak in order to ‘say’ sorry – he’s a mute tap dancing bear.
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Tony Mokbel sues Channel 9 for taking Humphrey B Bear off TV.

Tony Mokbel in prison (left) and Tony Mokbel in disguise before he was captured (right).



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Humphrey B Bear sues Victorian Supreme Court for loss of income.

Humphrey does his impression of a gay judge, and mocks the pillars of the justice system.


It's no surprise that I bring this news to Orble, having recently voted myself the best investigative journalist on the site, and put 10 of my own posts in my top 10 list of the best written Orble posts of the last 2 years. Those of you who would like to agree with me, and tell me that my judgement is spot on? Don't bother. I already know that.
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Victorian Supreme Court bans Channel 9 from screening Humphrey Bear for 2 months in Melbourne.

Humphrey using an extra long yellow tie to cover his underbelly.


A Victorian Supreme Court judge has told Channel 9 it cannot screen episodes of Humphrey B Bear in Victoria until the murder trial of a Melbourne underworld figure is over.
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Ledger family to sell home bathwater for grieving fans.

One happy, grieving Heath Ledger fan in Hollywood.


The grieving family of Heath Ledger are selling litres of water from their home bath (the one Heath once washed in) and shipping them all around the world for grieving fans unable to take a memorial swim at Heath's favourite Perth beachside suburb.
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Nowhere Else (My Story)

A normal person after reading an Orble post.


I've been suffering from writer's constipation lately. It's different to writer's block, although it was brought on by writer's block. I couldn't write anything, and I was just tapping my pen against my mouth and swallowed it. Which led to constipation. Anyway, I took some laxatives and finally had a bowel movement. When I shitted the pen out, I wiped my bum and was just about to flush the toilet paper down the cistern when I saw the most amazing story written on it. I wasn't going to publish it but Toni from 'What's Your Story' prompted me to put pen to virtual toilet paper and publish it on Orble.
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Rare brown dolphin not brown after all.

rare brown dolphin
Greenpeace activists washing and recycling their children's disposable nappies.


Photographic images of a rare brown dolphin seen swimming alongside whales harpooned by Japanese ‘scientists’ and posted on U-Tube by environmental group Greenpeace, have been removed after it was discovered well-meaning environmentally-friendly members of the Rainbow Warrior had been washing their children’s disposable nappies in the sea and recycling them.
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Indigenous groups told to join PMs Sorry Apology.

Menzies
PM Menzies congratulates the U17 Winners of Steal an Aboriginal Family Competition


Prime Minister Rudd has told aboriginals who were not part of the Stolen Generation they are expected to apologise along with other Australians.
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Mal’s tip on writing popular Australian Orble blogs.

What a classy US/Aus blog is all about. Striking a Madonna pose like you're sitting on the Jon.


As much as America and most Americans (and Americanised Australians) in general make me want to vomit my prostate gland up my insides and out of my left nostril, cut it into pieces and sell the prostate slivers as salty anchovies to Pizza Hut, to become a popular Australian blogger on Orble, you need to absorb as much American culture as you can, and the trashier the better, then write about it to become a popular Australian blogger. The second best way to do this is surf the net and watch TV. The best way is to read American blogs on Orble and copy them.
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Mal’s Reading Tips for Scrabble Players.

scrabble
The first draft of a typical blogger's post.


I used to love Scrabble but I got so good at it there was no competition. I gave up playing and have devoted part of my life to educating and improving others. Pretty much everything I’ve done in my life has turned out like that. I’m forever enlightening people due to the fact I can’t go through any further enlightenment myself, having learned everything there is to know about life itself. It’s the downside of being perfect. I keep conquering everything I do so rapidly it forces me to turn to teaching others. Which is a real trial. It certainly tests my patience dealing with idiots and halfwits in a compassionate, caring and nurturing manner, and raising their intelligence levels slightly beyond that of a dairy cow. To see the joy on their faces when they realise they have finally become smarter than sheep is reward enough for someone such as myself with perfect compassion.
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The Beauty of Writing.

Writer's Block
A blogger trying to overcome writer's block.


Often writers will write about how to go about writing because they don’t know about anything else, but such articles can be highly instructional for the novice or blogger.
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Rudd reveals first list of bright minds and topics for his 2020 Summit.

The Wiggles
Kevin Rudd's favourite band 'The Wiggles' will perform at the 2020 Summit


Balancing Mortgage Rates and Inflation for First Home Buyers – David Hicks and Schapelle Corby
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How to get nuns pregnant in convents – Martin Luther’s hidden gospel discovered.

Nicole Kidman as Hitler
Nicole Kidman as Hitler in Tom Cruise's upcoming 'L Ron and Adolf's Bunker Dialogues.'


Location manager for Tom Cruise’s latest film project ‘L Ron and Adolf’s Bunker Dialogues’ Nancy Cartwright, uncovered Luther’s secret gospel in a wine cellar converted into a sex dungeon at Luther’s former Nimbschen convent in Germany. In his gospel, which reads like a depraved version of St Augustine’s Confessions, Luther writes, ‘I know Catholicism is right but the devil has promised me fame beyond death as a founder of a new religious cult if I keep deflowering the nuns here. He told me most people are so stupid they’ll believe anything, and within a few hundred years they won’t even believe the Pope is the head of the Church.’ “We’ll write it into a Simpsons’ episode eventually” Cartwright said. “Right now I’m busy coaching Nicole (Kidman) on her Hitler accent. Tom will naturally play L Ron, our illustrious founder. He’s already played a German baddie.” So far the only leaked dialogue from the film is where L Ron Hubbard says to Hitler, “Anyone who thinks you need to see a psychiatrist is nuts.” Paris Hilton is tipped to play Eva Braun. Cell-phone footage of Britney Spears at home with her kids will be used to portray Hitler’s youth.
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If I was Suri Cruise’s Father – Nicole Kidman to publish Banned L Ron Hubbard book.

Nicole Kidman has agreed to pay to publish L Ron Hubbard’s book ‘If I am Suri Cruise’s Father’ written by ghost writer Casper the Friendly Ghost with a preface by OJ Simpson. “Tom often wanted to wrap a page from the signed copy of the original Dianetics manuscript onto his old fella when we had sex,” Nicole said. “Tom claimed it had L Ron’s DNA on it because he sweated on the pages writing it. Tom couldn’t produce any sperm. When I refused to play a part in his bizarre sexual fantasies, he used to put cryonically frozen, left over ice-creams L Ron hadn’t finished in his underpants and want the lights out when we had sex. There’s no way Tom is Suri’s father. Tom once told me he had L Ron’s sperm in the locket he wears around his neck, and one day he would use it to populate the world with superior beings. This book will expose Tom and Scientology and L Ron’s evil plan to have children.”
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BRITNEY SPEARS DEAD??? Unofficial Report says she committed suicide.

I know this in unofficial but I have a friend in the US who is a psychiatric nurse who works at the UCLA and she rang me two minutes ago to say that Britney suicided in the toilet about half an hour ago. My friend is not the sort of person who would ring me and tell me it had happened if it didn't. Half of me says wouldn't this be great if what I was writing was a world Orble exclusive and the other half of me says I really shouldn't write this. I don't know what to think. I just hope she didn't give my phone number to people like Oprah. I want to live a quiet blogger's life.
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Australian Cricketers admit they drop catches on purpose to give India a chance of winning a match.

BCCI
An image sent to Cricket Australia via mobile phone by India's Cricket Board.



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