April 2009 - Equal And Opposite

12 followers

272 daily readers

rank of 53

Equal and Opposite - April 2009

The Worms Cricket Club, Act 1, Episode 6, Channel 31 Telescript (2005)

Characters

Rubber, unsporting male, personalized cap: rubber

Razor, unsporting male, personalized cap: lucky

Peter, athletic male, personalized cap: perfect

Amanda, girlish female, personalized cap: mand

Kim, female/male, personalized cap: big easy

Mark, furious male, personalized cap: ham

Julia, strong female, personalized cap: jewel

ACT ONE

A COMMUNITY CRICKET CLUB STUDIO.

AMANDA ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE SIDE OF THE CLUB EMBLEM. THE MUSIC DIES.

AMANDA

When I was asked to present a show for my beloved Worms, the first thing I said to myself was: (PAUSE) I can’t remember. It was something like – you want me. You do. I was told that I could have it any way I wanted. Usually it’s the other way around. I’m going on a bit, I’ll stop. Tonight we’ll be talking equipment. I love and adore equipment. Is it hard to play? It’s hard to play. It’s hard, isn’t it? It’s impossible without equipment. Tonight I’ll be talking to Worm-stars about their gear. I should start by telling everyone about my own. It can be a touchy subject. Equipment can be touchy. Sensitive. So very sensitive. Anyway it can get hairy. Very hairy. So very hairy. As I like to lay back and watch the boys having their fun, I need a nice pillow. Open up my little hamper, lie back and watch the boys going at it. So, a hamper, a pillow and something to fill me up. A little kabana and cheese is lovely. Now, some of you might think this is all a bit wet – it is. Lovely. Come with me, over here.

RUBBER ENTERS THE FRAME.

Over here we have Rubber.

RUBBER
How are you Mandy? You look great.

AMANDA
Lovely. Lovely. So do you. When I make cream buns for arvo tea, when I’m creaming my buns, Rubber, it’s you I think of, sometimes.

RUBBER
I can tell you that when I’m wheeling away, willingly wheeling on a stinking hot day, the last thing I want is to be wheeling away on a hot stinking day. Coming back to the sheds to any white doughy sweeties is just the thing, just the thing.

AMANDA
Very kind of you to say so. Very. Very kind. Equipment. Equipment, Rubber. What sort of blade do you favour?

PAUSE.

RUBBER
English. Well, cane and by extension English.

AMANDA
Marvellous, truly, marvellous. What sort of cherry do you prefer?

PAUSE.

RUBBER
Leather. Well, cork covered in leather.

AMANDA
Leather. Leather, that’s lovely. Leather. Cork too. When I think of cork I think of wine. Pop. Back in. Use the butt of the hand. Back in. Tight. Lovely. Leather. Wet and squeaky. Dead cow. Lovely dead cow skin. Kabana is a kind of leather. Edible leather. Delicious. Wash it down with claret. Delicious. More delicious!

PAUSE.

RUBBER
I’d love to stay and chat – sorry – I have a thing on. It’s a thing. It’s on. It’s not my thing really. It is on. I should go.

AMANDA
Wunderbar! Wunderbar. I’ll let you go.

RUBBER EXITS.

AMANDA
Off you go. Off you go then. Say: hello.
Goodbye. Goodbye! Say: hello.

PAUSE.

SILENCE.

AMANDA
Hello. Hello Raze. Raze. Razor, Hello. Where were we? Things. Things, Raze. Things. How are things?

PAUSE.
RAZOR(BEHIND THE CAMERA)
I have my own cap. It’s a perfect fit. Well it’s a bit loose. Sometimes my head pops right out the top there. I was born with this cap. You’d have to cut it off my very head. It’s what I use. Mine. God-given. No one could ever accuse me of being without a cap.

PAUSE.

AMANDA
That’s very, very nice...for you.

PAUSE.

SILENCE.

AMANDA
Well there you have it. Things. Things can not be ignored. Having these words in my mouth makes me hungry. I’m hungry.

JACK BY MA’S FOLLY.

AMANDA
Back after this.

DARKNESS.

Add Comments

Vote

[ Link ]

April 4th 2009 @ 10:39

Posted By: Norm - Category: Primitive Art

Email this Post to a Friend

The Worms Cricket Club, Act 2, Episode 6, Channel 31 Telescript (2005)

ACT TWO

JULIA
Due to Amanda having a thing on, due to her having her thing on.

MARK
We will be taking this segment.

KIM
Kim.

MARK
Julia.

JULIA
Mark.

KIM
She will return.

MARK
Without her thing on.

JULIA
Good luck there.
Now, from these notes, it seems that – here we go.
Julia – my first question goes to you.
Is there still, still envy there for me?

KIM
What?

MARK
What!

KIM
It says that.

JULIA
Well. Well. Well, Amanda if you mean do I wish
that I was a little tart?
The answer is no.

KIM
The answer is yes.

MARK
Meaning?

KIM
Nothing.

MARK
You said something that meant nothing.

KIM
What’s the next bit?

MARK
Give us a look.

JULIA
I’m doing it.

KIM
Get on with it then.

MARK
My go.

JULIA
Alright then – here.

MARK
OK. Mark – to you – fancy me still - don’t you?

JULIA
What!

KIM
What?

MARK
What!

JULIA
Is this true?

MARK
What?

JULIA
Is this true?

MARK
No...Of course it isn’t.

KIM
I’m convinced.

JULIA
It is true. I knew it.

MARK
Don’t let her do this.

JULIA SCRUNCHES UP THE SCRIPT, SLAMS IT ON MARK’S CHEST AND EXITS.

PAUSE.

SILENCE.

KIM
Show me. Give it here.

MARK HANGING ON TO THE CORNER OF THE SCRIPT IN PETRIFICATION HAS IT RIPPED OUT BY KIM.

KIM
Julia – dadadadada.
Mark - dadadadada.
Kim – dadadadada.
Well here we all are...We are the...Worms.
Well, Mark, don’t just stand there.

MARK
Me?

KIM
Well, Mark, what is it about the Worms
that makes you itch?
There is something about it, isn’t there?

MARK
Me?

JULIA ENTERS ASHEN FACED.

PAUSE.

KIM
Equipment.

MARK
If I am so vehemently opposed to septic tanks
why do I eat their shit?

KIM
What?

JULIA
What’s wrong with me?

MARK
That’s alright.

JULIA
I’m sorry Ham.

MARK
That’s alright. That’s alright. That’s alright.

JULIA
It’s not alright. It’s not. I can’t. It’s not alright.
I can’t do that. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

AMANDA ENTERS FRAME.

AMANDA
Sorry everyone. I’m back. We’ll be back after this.

DARKNESS.

Add Comments

Vote

[ Link ]

April 4th 2009 @ 10:38

Posted By: Norm - Category: Primitive Art

Email this Post to a Friend

The Worms Cricket Club, Act 3, Episode 6, Channel 31 Telescript (2005)

ACT THREE

AMANDA AS IN ACT ONE.

AMANDA
I’m back. Here I am. Me. I’m back. I had a thing. It was on. It’s off now. It’s on no more. No more is it on. Now. With me is Petey. Petey! We are married. Dearest husband. Petey!

PETER ENTERS THE FRAME.

PETER
Yes.

AMANDA
Yes.

PETER
Yes.

AMANDA
Yes. Pete, I want you to share with the viewers your experience with success. Success. Yes.

PETER
I suppose I am.

AMANDA
Yes.

PETER
I’m in a hot streak.

AMANDA
It is a streak. It’s not cold

PETER
There’s a place where I go. It’s a place like any other. It’s unlike anywhere else. It’s a strange place. It’s unique. It’s a strange place. So familiar. It’s where I go. Sometimes I never leave. I’m never there. Always away. I’m home. I feel at home there. It’s strange. Familiar. Strange. Words fail me. Often I’ve called on them. Rarely have they answered. Sometimes when they did the way was silence. The way is away.
The way is someway away. Strange.

AMANDA
Don’t get me started on whey. It’s so versatile. If the curds have been eradicated then our whey is better for it. Anyway. Of a Saturday your exploits in the field are excellent, truly.

PETER
The field is one of a number. Each more like the rest than the preceding. One field of a number. That number, that number is three.

AMANDA
Yes viewers the Worms have three fields.

PETER
We all have there. When we’re playing you’ll find us in one of those fields. If we’re on one field chances are we’re on a second field. If we’re on two fields chances are you’ll find us on a third field. We’ll always have someone from one end. Up the other end is someone else. Across the fields this holds true.

AMANDA
Petey! Petey! Petey! When I see the grass being cut it excites me. The blood rushes to my lips. I just want to scream. Seeing the sun coming up, feeling the sun’s warmth all over my face, the joy is unbearable. I can barely speak at such times. Picture me mouth agape bathing in discrete packets of life from a glorious sun.

PETER
The joy is all mine. Words fail me. I call on them. My call falls on deaf ears. When I’m in the field all is silent. Words have no audible place in the field. Worms know all about fields.

AMANDA
We are the Worms. We were the Worms. Join us again next week.

PETER
Next week will be a corker.

AMANDA
A ripper.

PETER
Bonza.

AMANDA
Beaut. No, true blue.

PETER
Can’t wait. My breath is baited. Baited with invisible packets of meaning. Some use maggots, some use - dare I say it - Worms, some use squid, some use pilchards. If you catch my meaning. If you have no hook you use no bait.

AMANDA
For bait, replace the “w” with a “b” in wait.

PETER
Mawk is an Earthworm of sorts - they can be used. Once again, if you have a hook.

AMANDA
Forget the hook. I am without rod.

RAZOR(BEHIND THE CAMERA)
At least you have some lines.

AMANDA
I love getting a new rig. I love opening up a fly.
(PAUSE)
I’m getting the wind up.
(PAUSE)
Time to go.

PETER
See you next week.
PAUSE.

DARKNESS.

Add Comments

Vote

[ Link ]

April 4th 2009 @ 10:37

Posted By: Norm - Category: Primitive Art

Email this Post to a Friend

3 Posts

1 Posts

19 Posts