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MalIndia replaces Harbajhan Sing with a Real Monkey.
The Indian Cricket Board have sent a real monkey out to Australia to replace Harbajhan Sing for the Perth Test. The portly monkey’s passport has him listed as ‘Big Monkey’, ‘Monkey B.’ and ‘Big M.’ India are sending a clear message to Australia. “Call him Big Monkey and we’ll be reporting you to the ICC.” Scoreboards will list him as MB., BM, or Big M. Channel 9s WWOS Commentary Team are locked behind closed doors tonight trying to come up with a non-racist name for the new member of the team. Head of the Commentary Team, RIchie Benaud rejected Tony Greig’s idea to call him ‘Symonds’. Michael Slater was sent home after suggesting ‘Ooh ooh oooh, aah aah aah, it’s not Glen McGrath.” Ian Chappell suggested shifting the Test Perth to Darwin and promoting it as a post Packer revolution evolution but Mark Nicholas was against the idea as he didn’t want to offend the Church of England or Sir Michael Parkinson who was a close friend of the Queen. Ricky Ponting has struck a deal with Anil Kumble, and counselled all of his players not to engage in racist name calling or take cheap shots at Big M’s appearance by referring to him as ‘Small Human’. He suggested just appealing hard every ball he faced, even if it was a wide, or dead ball, as a united show of Australian sportsmanship and integrity. He even suggested appealing for a catch in slips as the Australian team made their way onto the ground. Even ringing the umpires to appeal at 2am in the morning from their hotel rooms and just going ‘HOwzat?!’ Environmentalists and animal lovers have been snapping up tickets for the chance to see a wild animal in a natural environment. Greenpeace and Amnesty International have come on board as major sponsors for Big Monkey’s cap after he revealed at a press conference he wouldn’t wear a helmet when opening the batting, even against Bollywood Lee. “I want to bring attention to the plight of my incarcerated relatives caged in zoos around the world,” Big M said. Nelson Mandela is flying in from South Africa for the match but denies he is a distant relative to Big M. “I’m just making a statement about the hardships of prison life for monkeys and humans in captivity,” he said. An offer from McDonalds to sponsor Big M and release a Big M burger were rejected by Big M’s manager, Dean Jones, who said Hindus and Terrorists don’t eat cow. McDonald’s management refused to confirm or deny they were creating a dog burger for the subcontinental market or would be trialling a Sacred Vegan Cow Burger made of synthetic beef at the Perth Test with the catchphrase ‘We don’t just reinvent ourselves. We reincarnate ourselves.” KFC will sponsor Big M with a series of ads featuring Ricky Ponting and Big M catching feral cats and wild myxamytosis rabbits in the outback, cooking them up on a fire fuelled by photos and effigies of a sight-impaired Steve Buchnor, then eating KFC Papadam Fillers and afterwards playing a friendly match of sledging on opposite banks of the Katherine River in NT, where Big M calls Ponting a skip, convict white piece of trash, and Ponting calls him an indigenous dole bludger. The meat in KFC Fillers and monkey meat? Equals.
