NormSebastian Kruger
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Daumier versus Beckmann
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January 13th 2010 @ 02:00
Posted By: Norm - Category: French Art, German Art, Beckmann, Expressionism
Posted By: Norm - Category: French Art, German Art, Beckmann, Expressionism
Otto Dix versus Francisco Goya
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January 12th 2010 @ 01:06
Posted By: Norm - Category: German Art, Spanish Art, Dix, Goya, Expressionism
Posted By: Norm - Category: German Art, Spanish Art, Dix, Goya, Expressionism
Max Beckmann Meets Andy Warhol meets George Bush
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October 12th 2009 @ 02:35
Posted By: Norm - Category: American Art, German Art, Beckmann, Warhol, Expressionism, Pop
Posted By: Norm - Category: American Art, German Art, Beckmann, Warhol, Expressionism, Pop
Otto Dix und Albert Tucker
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August 29th 2009 @ 03:03
Posted By: Norm - Category: Australian Art, German Art, Dix, Tucker, Expressionism
Posted By: Norm - Category: Australian Art, German Art, Dix, Tucker, Expressionism
Liesel Jones converts grandma’s stockings into swimming cossie for Beijing assault.
"There wasn't enough material for a cap. I'll be using Gran's bras for that.
Part time model and full-time personal ego-stroker, Liesel Jones, was trying on her grandma’s underwear on the weekend for the annual Myer Grey Power fashion parade. Attempting to put her left leg into a stocking, and at the same time hopping all over the bedroom floor, she slipped and fell head first into a the right leg of Gran’s stockings, wrapping the suspenders around her midriff. When she stood up, Gran said, “Apart from the fact you look like you’re about to rob a bank, I see potential here.” Gran grabbed her dressmaking scissors and freed Liesel’s head. Which took quite a while, as she didn’t want to muck up her hair. “That’s better,” Gran said. “What a great look. You should wear it as a swimming cossie.” Liesel swam a few laps in Gran’s bath, and had to agree, but then went a step further. Without tripping over this time. “Why don’t we design a whole swimming cossie range for Beijing?” Liesel said to the mirror. “Are you talking to me?” Gran asked. Liesel nodded to her own reflection, and they set to work on Gran’s old pedal-powered Singer sewing machine. Both Gran and Liesel were ecstatic at the results. “What about a men’s cossie?” Gran asked. Liesel responded with, “Let’s market them as unisex cossies. Thorpy likes the full body suit and we can sell the left over ones at the Sydney Mardi Gras.” And so they did. And now Gran’s stocking cossie is all the rage. Liesel expects her Me and Gran calendar to be available at K-Mart by Saturday. All proceeds will go to buying an electric sewing machine for Gran.
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Britney Spears buys LA hospital.
Michael Jackson as he appears in the MTV Video of Britney's new album 'Train Wreck'.
Britney Spears has sold her mansion to George Clooney’s mother, and bought the UCLA Medical Centre in LA where she plans to live and shoot her new album Train Wreck. “People might finally stop saying I should be in hospital,” she said. While the staff and patients were being dismissed, Britney started renovating, and had the ground floor walls removed, then had to rebuild due to the building collapsing. Once the medication room was re-stocked, she installed a life-sized circular railway track, and brought in a steam train. Dressing up in an XL assistant train-driver’s uniform she went round and round on the track while Michael Jackson steered carriages full of children and Britney’s relations. During the train ride, Britney and Jacko co-wrote the first single from Train Wreck, a revamped version of Alvin Stardust’s Kookachoo, ‘Be My Kooky Choo Choo’ as Martin Scorsese began pre-production on the MTV video. “It will be a paranormal tragedy and four-way triangle romance with a classic western feel to it,” Scorsese said. “I’ll be using unused footage of Heath Leger from Brokeback Mountain chasing the train on a horse when he finds out Jacko has left him for a woman, with Elizabeth Taylor hot on his heels on National Velvet because Jacko has dumped her for Britney. Jacko will dance on a carriage roof and sing ‘Beat It’ at both of them, then the train will crash and all four will die in each other’s arms, as Jacko’s voice fades while he sings Billie Jean to Elizabeth Taylor but substitutes the words “Britney Spears is not my girl,” then sings Ben to Heath Ledger but uses the words, “Heath, the two of us.” Asked about the paranormal content, Scorsese said, “That’s the best part of the video. Just when you think they’ve all died and the video is fading to black, the mutilated children and Britney’s mutilated relations turn into demons with chainsaws for feet, big fangs and mouths shaped like garbage dumpsters. They move in on the four of them to devour them, but Britney’s mangled body comes to life as a hot young babe with Samurai swords for hair, chainsaws for arms, and shotguns for legs, kicks their asses, and they turn into fast food and coke, and all land on a lovely dining table in Arizona. After a big feast and lots of snorts, Britney turns into a giant pair of panties with wings and eyes, loaded with nuclear weapons made of chocolate with soft centres, Jacko turns into an albino monkey who lives on a lollipop tree, Liz turns into a green frog who lives in a palace made out of strawberry cheesecake and diamond coloured M&Ms, and Heath turns into pillow with teeth. They all go on a magical ride in the sky in Brintey’s panties and bomb Afghanistan. Everyone dies of a chocolate overdose. Then Britney turns into a polar bear with jet engines and helicopter blades and brings them back to earth just by the train wreck, narrowly avoiding colliding with a space shuttle, which crashes anyway because of the fright. Britney fixes the train and all four of them ride into the sunset as Britney sings, “I’ve got my life back on track.”
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Melbourne police to introduce meat pie spray to control ethnic violence by sporting fans.
After an Australian/Greek supporter at the Australian Open Tennis disarmed a police officer of his capsicum spray, used it to spice up her fetta/olive salad, then turned the can on her mouth and drained the contents, Melbourne police have decided to introduce a 4&20 meat pie spray to control ethnic violence by fans at major sporting events. “We need to use something they don’t like as a deterrent,” Commissioner Nixon said.
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Reason to a T
Besides chairs with two legs, I can't stand anything. If there's one thing that falls to the floor faster than one of those it's something else. Some things are somethings I can't stand. If I was to stand something it'd be something I could tolerate standing. Reason is something that makes things stand and it's no thing at all. A tall chair with three legs is no chair at all but at least it stands a chance. Chance is another thing I can't stand because it doesn't stand to attention. You can ponder it all day and get only so far as the nose on the end of your farce. Still, a stool with four legs might stand up on your nose on only one leg. I hope so I hop so. On only one leg you can only hop so far. So far, I'm not mad enough to try. Try as you might to try, you'll flail. If there's one thing that is bound to flail it would have to be arms. Arms are very dangerous. Particularly, in the wrong hands arms are a lethal cocktail. I'll chance my arm at just about any something. Chance doesn't really stand to reason. Chance and reason: opposite. I should hope so.
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Stuart Clark to Unleash Facial Expression in 2009.
Australian medium-fast bowler Stuart Clark plans to spend most of 2008 in the nets. Not the cricket nets, but fishing nets off the NSW coast, and hair nets in McDonald’s kitchens, in order to stretch his face into some sort of expression. “I hope to be able to smirk sometime around mid July next year,” Clark said. “And break into a full smile by Christmas, especially if the tuna are biting at Eden.” In between fishing and cooking trips, he plans to work feverishly on getting each eyebrow to move by smothering them in nuclear cheese from McDonald’s and sleeping in their rat-infested dumpster bins at night. “Fighting off the homeless will keep me in good shape for the domestic season.” The man noted for his complete lack of expression said his favourite hobby was going to funerals. “I read the death notices in the newspaper every day, and attend as many as I can. I’m often asked if I’m a relative. Even by relatives. It’s a nice feeling when you can’t smile, and only ever laugh on the inside. Plus I’ve been made beneficiary of a lot of elderly widow’s wills.” Asked why he took up such a strange hobby, Clark said he had to do something after being banned from the live, stand-up comedy circuit. “My joke about Richie Benaud’s wife’s pink underwear was a ripper, too. I nearly laughed myself.” Laughter and Indian Cricket performances? Equals.
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Change Your Disposable Nappies Before Going On Holidays.
A person was walking along a road. This person wondered why he/she was walking at all when she/he had nowhere to go, and nothing to go to. So the person turned around, and began walking back to where he/she had come from. Then she/he realised he/she wasn't living anywhere of note nor doing anything of signifigance before setting out on his/her journey, so there seemed to be no more point in turning around and returning to a known and familiar nothingness, than there was to continuing walking towards a new nothingness. The man or woman, boy or girl, realised he or she had come to a crossroad in his/her life. The most confusing part of this was the fact that the crossroad of life existed on a straight road. One without any sign of an intersection or junction. No traffic lights. And no anger. The road didn't seem cross at all. There were no signs on this road at all. It was just a signless road. The signless road of life with no directions. No maps. The person thought about marriage and getting one's driver's licence. How similar marriage and driving a car was to a signless road. And why people buy cars and get married. Maybe someone into reading roads or a marriage counsellor or someone with a really nice car with air conditioning could have found some direction but this person was not a road reader nor a married postgraduate university student about to do a PhD on how to go about having children. This person was a road traveller. This person had been to school for many years and never heard of a class about reading roads or how to prevent a failed marriage by taking the right road or why some cars use more petrol than others, or why the nozzle on a petrol pump is smaller for unleaded smart cars. This only added to person's confusion. The person thought about running, then remembered the saying of a wise person. "There's no use running if you're on the wrong track." So the person didn't run. The person looked around for a rock and a hard place. Whoever made the road had crushed the rocks beforehand. And the environment was easy on the eye. The only saving grace was liquourice allsorts. Hard-Boiled Lollies and Soft-Centres? Opposites.
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Damsels, damselfish and a damselfly.
According to the dictionary, a damsel is a young unmarried woman. A damselfish is a small, brightly coloured, tropical marine fish of the family Pomacentridae, found in or near coral reefs. A damselfly is an insect like a slender dragonfly that folds its wings over its body when resting. It makes you wonder whether or not you should marry an unmarried woman with a penchant for expensive, brightly coloured clothes who sleeps cocooned in them with no regard to how much they cost or how much dry cleaners charge to get the wrinkles out. Damn-selfish women and damselfish? Equals.
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So this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like
If these walls could talk they'd probably say something like, I'm sick of holding up the roof. Why can't I be the roof. I want to be at the top. Nobody appreciates the wall. Everybody loves the roof. All I need is a roof over my head. Well you can't have a roof without walls, idiots. They'll notice me when I'm gone. Then they'll be sorry. Why didn't we take better care of the walls? When I'm gone, the roof will be laughing on the other side of its face. I should have said thank you. But its too late! I've had enough. The floor is the only one who understands me. She supports me. Hang in there roof. But, I'm afraid it's too late for that. I just wish I didn't have to be so strong for everyone. I feel like collapsing too. Nobody listens to the aimless thoughts of a wall. No the wall just is. Well when I'm flat on the floor, when our bodies become one, you'll be fucked. You'll all be fucked. Something like that anyway. It wouldn't say anything about the incidents that have happened between it and its family. Walls are so selfish. All they ever talk about is themselves. Even when a roof is soaring majestically towards the sun, the walls are groaning like a pathetic male figure skater begrudgingly changing a light bulb with his testicles in a coffee grinder. Pathetic. This post couldn't hold any weight, it's just some stick in the mud but it does have one good thing - it has nearly finished. Collapse and support: opposite.
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