The Penis is an instrument of love on the outside. There is no such thing as an internal penis. Like a love-thermometer, a penis contains a thick mercurial liquid. Mostly, it is men who play the instrument although in most cases privately. There have been recorded playings in public. One notable instance happened on the bus, and it had nothing to do with the author or the authorities. Back to the Penis(no thank you), like cricket stumps the Penis is made up of three columns. The Herald-Sun and The Age newspapers have more columns; The Australian still more. The Penis has faced many testing times but usually prevails, although victory is often hollow. Contrary to popular belief it has no Bone. So when you want to ask your teacher to suck your bone, you’ll be mistaken. She might do it anyway. She who has a Vagina. The Opposite of the Penis is not the Anus, as some people would have you believe, but The Vagina. Meaning scabby in some other tongue, The Vagina is nothing like an internal Penis. In the experience of the author, these “cunts” are found to be dry, inhospitable places to shelter from the cold. Others maintain that they are wet and wild. The Vagina is truly a mysterious thing. Referred to as the love canal, some have had more boats than others. Above all else, it is functional. They might even sell them in Hardware shops. During a pap smear one Doctor was noted as saying “This is what you like, isn’t it?!”. Truly a mystery that he went before the bar. The Vagina, dry and forbidding or wet and hospitable, is the opposite of the Penis.
Francis “Crispy Ring” Bacon, 1st Viscount St. Spoonbender was the proud owner of a chemistry set and his mother had quite a set too, which she would lay out for all to see. “Ham Hands”, as they called him in the cold storage facility, was a revolutionary with knees that barely touched the ground, a head that looked like a smashed in tea-cosy and a liking for kindergartens. He was hit over the head with a mallet by the royal family and became extinct upon his death. It was Louis “The Lip” Pastuer or “Cream Pants” who was a French dwarf with the middle leg of a giant and the hands of a surgeon general. He is best remembered for getting “a bit tipsy” at the Christmas party and snogging the boss’ wife in the “broom cupboard” and demonstrating that wine goes sour after you’ve had a few and left it overnight. His experiments with the Karma Sutra confirmed germ theory of disease and he caught rabies; all in one night. He lead some to believe he was a Chemist.
Norm
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