Norm
MalOff the Meat of the Bat.
Sachin Tendulkar admitted nailing five live chickens to his cricket bat on Christmas Eve, in a new sponsorship deal for the Indian cricket team with KFC, after he came under increasing criticism for not hitting balls out of the meat of the bat. “It’s all about religious tolerance,” the wristy little master said. “It’s where Christianity meets consumerism and Hindu in a 20/20 head on St Patrick’s Irish snake kiss. “ The way those crucified chickens yell and scream when I score a quick single makes all Indian supporters at the SCG know that the ball is coming off the meat on the bat, or one of the five sweet spots, after I doused them in sweet and sour paprika Doosra sauce and greasy Bradd Hogg Chinaman mayo,” he added, after refusing to autograph an Australian dairy farmer’s cow. Andrew Symonds and Michael Clarke should be released from St George’s hospital today after barbequing and eating two of Tendulkar’s bats for a KFC advert without asking Haydos’s permission to use his barbeque, or consulting a recipe from his best-selling cookbook, ‘Margaret Fulton and Women’s Weekly – Eat Your Heart Out – It’s Healthy Food.’ Haydos was upset, but Symonds was spitting crinkle-cut dreadlock shaped chips, and Clarkie’s hair was just standing on end like he’d been mistaken for a stray cat, and electrocuted in a KFC oven malfunction by a junior employee on slave wages. Umpire Steve Buchnor gave Tendulkar not out caught behind twice after the ball successively hit a chiken head comb and chicken wing feathers, before flying through to Gilly. Snicko confirmed that Buchnor made the right decision. “He definitely feathered it,” Richie Benaud said, before being removed from the commentary box for laughing at his own jokes. Scans for dementia continue, while Mrs Benaud has been gagged and prevented from commenting to Channel 9. Binger Lee had Tendulkar caught by Ricky Ponting off a protruding baby chicken but replays show he overstepped the mark, and the Australian team were left with egg on their face. “Promoting healthy eating through KFC sponsorship is sending a positive message to kids about what sacrifices you have to make to play at an elite level,” Tony Greig said, as he ate imported kippers with his sterilised keyring in the SCG members’ dining room, rearranging the leftover bones on an artist’s easel for sale as another item of limited edition cricket memorabilia. The health factor of KFC and Tendulkar’s bats? Equals.
Celebrity Obsession
11 secret herbs and spices. 11 players on field. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Mal
Very few people have picked up on the KFC / Global Cricket 20/20 Channel 9, 3 Mobile (11 herbs & spices) 12th Man conspiracy theory. Apart from David Hicks [who spent 9 x 20/20 days some incarcerated in Rubiks Cuba] and Britney Spears who shaved 20209311 hairs from her head. There's more to 9/11 than Kerry Packer's TV station, the Colonel's secret recipe, a hit pop album and the numerology behind Bin Laden's secret middle name and the odour associated with his facial hair follicles after a Domino's pizza for $9.99. 7/11 may be open for business 16/24 but who pays the 10% GST post 11.09pm if our troops in Iraq don't come home and pay local tax via internet banking? Kevin Rudd can speak all the Mandarin he likes to Rahul Dravid, but only oranges and other citrus fruits are listening, or understand, apart from Peter Garret and his ex Midnight Oil band members who predicted 9/11 with their subliminal message album 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1. The only solution is to vote Hilary Clinton out as a lesbian and put in an advance order for the 11th instalment of the Harry Potter series.
U-Turn & Return.
Mal.
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
I missed Norm, always miss David, and finally get to read you...all in one day!
The severed head of Colonel Sanders, deep in the subterranean government storage cave where it rests with the heads of Richard Nixon, Walt Disney and Zasu Pitts, hath smiled upon me this day.
Mal
Like the Holy Cow illegally imported into the USA via JFK or LAX and disguised as an ordinary cow called a Big Moo Mac, I keep a low, flattened£ed beef profile and am very temperate, moderate, and quite bland in my comments to others. God, Allah and Bhudda forbid that I would offend anyone in cyberspace by engaging in culinary incorrectness. Your comments about the severed head of Colonel Sanders have reinvigorated me with renewed hope that one day KFC will release a flaming 9/11 burger accompanied by a sountrack by a bald Britney Spears doing a duet with the melting face of Michael Jackson. May God and Richard Nixon Bless America.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
Taco Bell, in fact, is coming out with "Remember the Alamo" nachos--you get to pick out each tortilla chip, chuck it out, and replace it with a slice of wonderbread.