NormStuart Clark to Unleash Facial Expression in 2009.
Australian medium-fast bowler Stuart Clark plans to spend most of 2008 in the nets. Not the cricket nets, but fishing nets off the NSW coast, and hair nets in McDonald’s kitchens, in order to stretch his face into some sort of expression. “I hope to be able to smirk sometime around mid July next year,” Clark said. “And break into a full smile by Christmas, especially if the tuna are biting at Eden.” In between fishing and cooking trips, he plans to work feverishly on getting each eyebrow to move by smothering them in nuclear cheese from McDonald’s and sleeping in their rat-infested dumpster bins at night. “Fighting off the homeless will keep me in good shape for the domestic season.” The man noted for his complete lack of expression said his favourite hobby was going to funerals. “I read the death notices in the newspaper every day, and attend as many as I can. I’m often asked if I’m a relative. Even by relatives. It’s a nice feeling when you can’t smile, and only ever laugh on the inside. Plus I’ve been made beneficiary of a lot of elderly widow’s wills.” Asked why he took up such a strange hobby, Clark said he had to do something after being banned from the live, stand-up comedy circuit. “My joke about Richie Benaud’s wife’s pink underwear was a ripper, too. I nearly laughed myself.” Laughter and Indian Cricket performances? Equals.
