NormQuantico FBI release embryonic genetic profile on serial bloggers.
Norm (left) gets quite upset as Charles Manson takes a break from being his Orble mentor.
After a quiet month where only a dozen or so psycho US teenagers from wholesome American families went ballistic in murder/suicide rampages at schools, bored Serial Killer Profilers at Quantico Virginia turned their skills and attention to identifying the common traits of the serial blogger, and have released the following genetic profile.
The serial blogger lives in a city. He or she has a dependency on technology and all the luxuries of modern life, but has such a warped mind he/she thinks his/her real passions lie in sitting behind his/her Microsoft/Mac PC in an ergonomically-designed Officeworks swivel-chair and matching Ikea desk with the air-conditioner on in summer and the blow-heater on in winter, in order to save the non-plastic environment and endangered species from extinction and climate change brought about by evil commercially driven capitalists running multi-national franchises.
The serial blogger is compelled to warn the world against religious fanatics and political terrorists with repetitive posts that read like a version of the Book of Mormon written by Joseph Smith in a whorehouse after being drugged by a prostitute’s Senatorial pimp.
Joseph Smith has a vision of the Orble future, and sees Jon & Charles.
The serial blogger will rail against the lifestyles of rich and famous celebrities due to the injustice of not being numbered among them, teach others anything from how to raise children properly while sitting glued to the computer blogging all night, instruct novice bloggers how to blog and earn money simultaneously without getting a real job in the real world, supply tips on nutrition, time-management and multi-tasking while ordering online, home-delivery fat crust pizzas, or give free fashion and beauty advice while surfing ‘how to become a contestant on America’s biggest loser’.
The reason my Orble blog on nutrition & car maintenenance is in the blog cemetery.
One of the favourite topics of the serial blogger is psycho-analytical introspection on the philosophical meaning of life itself, including a rundown on how to go about achieving happiness and enlightenment by adhering to the wisdom of downloaded quotes from Wikipedia.
The male serial blogger is quite a simple, transparent fellow. In general, he is quite effeminate but likes to come across as real manly in carefully chosen text, but in the private domain of reality, he does not control the TV remote or the Play Station controls, even though he is a self-confessed expert on movies, TV, DVDs, computer games and IT in general, and anything that does not involve leaving the house other than to get a job behind the latest computer and contribute something meaningful to Rupert Murdoch’s global empire, while he dreams of being the next Hollywood writer, director, and star. And is careful to put the toilet seat down after sitting on it to have a wee-wee.
Male Blogger deciding what topic to write about.
The female serial blogger is slightly more complex than the male (mirroring reality), yet there are only three simple types of this virtual vixen.
There is the emotional female yet to find love (fYTFL), the emotional female who found the wrong love (FTWLf) and the anti-male, non-patriarchal, equally-superior female (AMNPESf).
The fYTFL’s blogs will be about the emotional beauty of love and relationships she is yet to experience long-term. She might have a travel blog, a uni blog or a blog about her own mind, but travel, uni and her own mind only have their relevance in finding the man of her emotional dreams and finding after half a night together, they have so much in common and connected, agreeing on the objective beauty of excerpts from Anne Steiner Rice’s poems on Valentine’s Day and sympathy cards.
The FTWLf may also have a travel blog, post-uni, downtrodden-by-my-ex work blog, or a blog about her own mind, but travel, work and her own mind only have relevance in relation to how to avoid places her former lover frequents while she single-handedly raises their children and takes them on holidays to exotic places her and her former ‘partner’ used to frequent as a loving couple (hoping he will read them and get upset), while she teaches ‘her’ children the value of growing up in a balanced, single-parent family environment based upon the dead sea scrolls and letters of Sigmund Freud to his mother as part of their home-schooling. She will often counsel other women not to read Anne Steiner Rice.
The AMNPESf is usually a dominant, psychotic, neurotic confused spiritualist who loves sex with men [other than her father and brothers and uncle], and appears quite open and honest about her lurid desires for those unfamiliar with the known traits of schizophrenic pathological liars who are the product of child abuse. She will litter her blog with spiritual insights gleaned from communing with the spirits, and her comments will be full of niceties. Until you cross her. Then she turns into a lesbian man-hater, and changes her blog to an angst ridden tirade against a patriarchal god and men in general.
Female blogger taking a break from her 'Health and Beauty Tips' blog.
Both male and female serials bloggers are riddled with guilt, and will frequently write sorry posts, yet never change their behaviour. For some reason, they think sorry is enough for themselves, but rarely for others. The main guilt they tend to suffer from is IDHALs. (I don’t have a life syndrome), yet they continually obsess over their own lives, and wish someone would take an interest in things they find important, such as my cat or dog is sick, or it’s raining today so I have a rug over my lap while I’m typing this.
Profilers are convinced that the reason more serial bloggers are not brought to justice is the same reason more serial killers are not brought to justice. It is their ordinariness. An ordinariness that goes unnoticed by other ordinary people. Just skimming over their virtual blogs is similar to standing next to a serial killer in real life. Unless you get to know the serial killer (or the blogger by carefully reading what they write), you would never believe they are capable of such atrocities.
Have you ever considered becoming a Life Coach.
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
How young I look, I mean.
Mal
I'm too busy waiting for Blogger Coach's blog to go to Orble's blog cemetery so I can take it over, to worry about being a life coach.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.
Mal
I think that pic and caption is the best part of this post. The only decent bit of it to be honest. I must remember to reference us more often. We're a more interesting topic than most of the piffle and dribble on here anyway. I'm beginning to see why you like visuals with a bit of text. They tend to say so much more. I now wish I'd put a picture in this comment. I still could but it's late and I'm tired. Say hello to the Wolfgobbler for me. What made me think of her was I noticed the G-Train was back in action on the weekend. I also wondered about the NAB Cup rules. If you mark the ball on the goal-line, and you're a prodigious kick, and go back beyond the 50m line to take your kick, does that count as a super goal and 9pts? It was just one of those silly things you think about when Carlton are winning and the game is in the bag early (in time on).
Mal.
unlucky_ fishermen.com
Angling Fish
Check this out...
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
DAMN....my Office Works chair just collapsed, ruddy crap, can't contain a 180k blogger...now I can't do my Heath and FItness blog...think I'll take up planting rose bushes in my backyard at midnight....hey, wanna come over? I'll show you what fertilizer I use....
Film & TV on DVD
Brilliant......scary..... but definitely genius.
My fragile world has just crumbled...Oh no it hasn't I am the all knowing, all seeing , omnipresent lord of my own universe!
Only question I have is how to break this vicious cycle?
Thanks for the laugh.
Glad you enjoyed it.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal
As a flatulent male, I hardly need to channel the spirit of La Petomaine. Due to the quality of my posts, it wouldn't surprise me if people mistook me for him.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.
The only way I can tell I wasn't writing about myself is I didn't mention thongs, stubbies and blue singlets.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.
That's an offer too good to refuse. Where do you live?
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.
I think I might have scared myself writing it. Glad you enjoyed it.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
As long as you don't clear your throat a lot beforehand...
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Mal-adjusted,
...alas, since the real monsoon started falling in Q. this year... I too have been restricted to my ergonomic desktop and chair, reduced to mutant serial blogger status and gadget gratification. I am in angst, for I haven't planted a tree in three weeks, worse, due to the rampant humidity, I've had to switch the mandatory air-con on, three times to cope since it all began...
Never big on routine, and before I need to shoot someone, I have opted for change. I am buying a new laptop and heading to the bedroom with it, so that inbetween meditations, I truly believe that being ergonomically challanged again with my lap top, in-lap; I may yet be able to put some ompf back into a creative blogging experience.
Of course I blame TV and MacDonalds, but who knows, the rain may stop soon too?
Lilla ...
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
Fear not. I don't have a burping routine.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.
From what I hear, if you want to plant something in Qld atm, it has to be one of those plants that grow in water. Perhaps you could consider planting a rice paddy. I'm sure you could sell it at Surfer's Paradise.
As to buying a new laptop, I can only suggest a waterproof model.
U-Turn & Re-Turn.
Mal.