Lights up on Astable tied to a pole centre stage, facing the audience. A bench is over his left shoulder and a cabinet is in front and to the left. Enter Amobile constantly on the move.
Amobile: For the sake of continuity
I should preface my speech by saying
That I find you irresistibly rooted!
Astable: Stop vacillating; one minute you do and now you don’t. What’s this all about?
Amobile: You have something of mine
Something that belongs rightfully to me
And I want it back.
Astable: I know you think this is yours but you have something of mine and I want it back. Let’s not do this, I shall keep yours and you shall give mine back to boot.
Amobile: I don’t want your boots
What I want is my cook book.
Astable: And I want my spectacles.
Amobile: Well let’s swap.
Astable: Without these specs, I won’t be able to read the book.
Amobile: And without this book
I’ll having naught to read.
Astable: If I could just have my spectacles please.
Amobile: Not without my cookery manual
To it’s rightful owner: me.
Amobile makes efforts to retrieve the the book from Astables groin.
Astable: You will never have this cookbook, not while I am rooted like this.
Amobile gives up unable to pry the book loose.
Amobile: It’s no good, I’m too weak.
Astable: Don’t forget heavy.
Amobile: And heavy.
Astable: And rigid and shambolic.
Amobile: Yes I’m all that, but what do we make of you?
You’re slow and spasmodic, loose and of course
How can we forget – rooted!
Astable: If you could just pass me that knife I could solve two of my problems.
Amobile: Let’s see if we can find that
I’ll just put on my spectacles.
Astable: It’s so nice to have your own spot, don’t you think so?
Amobile: Rooted as you are; roo-ted!
Astable: Farked as you are; far-ked!
Amobile: I saw christians, be quiet.
Astable rummages through a cabinet via the foot.
Astable: There are some of those in the cabinet.
Astable stops looking
Amobile: It’s not bad is it though?
To be that way
Is it?
Astable: To be in the cabinet in our condition is to be christian.
Amobile: In this state.
Astable: In this state.
Amobile: Is it the fault of our state?
Or the fault of the cabinet?
Astable: Who can blame a cabinet for being made of wood?
Amobile: We need new cabinets and new materials
Darker woods.
Astable: This is a dark wood, can you see any trees?
Amobile: Your pole looks to be wood.
Astable: Then cut it down.
Amobile: I’ll get the knife.
Amobile attempts to cut the pole down; makes no impact.
Astable: Liberation! - What difference does it make?
Amobile startled stops cutting leaving Astable tied.
Amobile: Meaning?
Astable: Meaning: it’s all wood isn’t it?
Amobile: Now that you mention it.
Astable: In the future we will not need furniture.
Amobile: Is that because we will be dead?
Astable: Dead, quite dead.
Amobile: We could make furniture of ourselves.
Astable: I used to be a reading lamp.
Amobile: I could be a bed
You could lie on top of me.
Astable: If only you were and I could; But my hands are tied and my feet and the rest; the moving bits
Amobile: Not even you are that strong
Those silvery cuffs are unbreakable.
Astable struggles to be free and then gives up.
Astable: These cuffs are as much me as my wrists are.
Astable hangs head.
Amobile: Cheer up. look at me, I envy you
I wish I could stop moving – vacillating.
Astable: Hold on to me I’m rooted. You can hold on to me, can’t you?
Amobile: You are aren’t you; roo-ted!
Astable: And you: far-ked!
Amobile: Shall we cook some fish?
Astable: Some goose.
Amobile: Some bacon.
Astable: Some beans.
Amobile: Some turds.
Astable: Fake poo.
Amobile: Sham poo.
Amobile takes some and begins to lather up.
Astable: I must wash these locks of mine.
Amobile washes his locks.
Amobile: You have your silvery locks, and I have mine.
Astable: If you had your book you could make all kinds of sham-poo.
Amobile: You don’t think my locks
Are lovely and sweet
The way they are
Astable: Give me my spectacles and I’ll tell you.
Amobile: You’re making a spectacle of yourself
I mean rooted there like that
And your hair stinks.
Astable: My hair stinks!
Amobile: Right now in high heaven they are
Bemoaning the hair stench.
Astable: You wouldn’t know as if they let your type into high heaven; at the gate a big sign: NO VACILLATORS.
Amobile: Peter’s a family friend.
Astable: Nepotism.
Amobile: You are the father, you are the son.
Astable follows Amobiles direction around the stage.
Astable: You are the mother, you are the daughter.
Astable exhausted slumps to the floor.
Amobile: You can barely see without these, can you?
Astable: Who said that?
Amobile: We have to eat and we both know
That we hate the slop you serve up
Astable: At least my slop has some semblance of tradition about it.
Amobile: Your steak and liver pie.
Astable: It’s certainly better than your blue meats.
Amobile: What if you hold the book and I read from it!
Astable: Yes, yes why didn’t I think of that?
Amobile: That way you can keep the book
And I can have my spectacles.
Astable: Yes, yes why didn’t I think of that?
Amobile: Hold it there on page one
We’ll start at the start.
Amobile begins to read to self.
Astable: What does it say?
Amobile folds the spectacles up and puts them away.
Amobile: Scary stuff, not for the faint hearts but WOW
What a way to start. Who would have thought it
All started with first thing being first.
Astable: Where did it start, was it here?
Amobile: It started in the beginning
And then so on and so on.
Astable: Well I could have told you it started at the the start, but where physically? Did it say at all?
Amobile: I’ll try to recall...something created
Something, and the location was...
Astable: Where? Was it here? I mean, I must be here for some reason. Did I steal a lighter?
Amobile: Did you?
Astable: I only stole it for our sake, we needed a light.
Amobile: To cook with right?
I’ll see if I can find that.
Astable: The others took it and used it.
Amobile: They probably made a discard of it.
Astable points to the ground.
Amobile finds the lighter.
Astable: How weird.
Amobile attempts to create a flame.
Astable excited.
Amobile: No more blue meats for us.
Astable: Do we have a stove? No.
Amobile: Do we even have a fire?
Astable: Doubtful.
Amobile: I’ll make a fire but where to start
First I’ll need some wood.
Astable: We have no meat to cook and besides the stove is completely operational.
Amobile: Would that it was.
Astable: You broke my cooking apparatus, didn’t you?
Amobile: Wood, wood, where can I find some wood?
Astable: Why don’t you just burn my stove top?
Amobile: Would that I could.
Amobile puts the lighter flame to the cabinet.
Astable: We can always make another one of those out of the bench.
Amobile sits on the bench behind Astable and to the right as we see it.
Amobile: How comfy it is to sit on this bench.
Astable: Is it? I thought it would be. We made that bench.
Amobile: We did? Did we? It’s such a fine bench
So ordinary and the wood, so wooden.
Astable: And comfy, right?
Amobile: So comfy, If I was a piece of wood
In this bench is where I’d like to be.
Astable: You need the best wood to make a bench of that quality; only the best, no saps in that bench.
Amobile: And so comfy.
Astable: And no saps, well a miniscule sap content.
Amobile: How would you be to be in this bench?
Astable: Well strictly speaking the cabinet is a finer piece. I mean that piece is top shelf old wood, and not red, no red wood in that cabinet. The bench may have the tendency to go a little red. The base of a bed, under the bed, can redden.
Amobile: This bench will do me.
Astable resting feet on the cabinet
Astable: With a cabinet of this quailty who needs pouffes?
Astable begins to doze off.
Amobile: You’re not falling asleep are you?
How could you misuse that cabinet?
Astable: Look at you, spreadeagled as you are.
Amobile: Well take no notice of me
I’m merely using the bench
As the maker intended.
Astable: And I am storing my feet on the cabinet.
Amobile: That is not a pouffe, you know?
Astable: And that bench is not a bed.
Amobile: I wanted to be bed.
Astable: I was reading lamp.
Amobile: This bench is so fine and comfy too.
Astable: And this cabinet makes my journey so much better.
Amobile: What is that creaking noise?
Amobile falls off the bench as the legs collapse.
Astable: It had to happen eventually, you couldn’t misuse the bench forever.
Amobile now injured examines the wreckage with spectacles on.
Amobile: No don’t rush to my aid, I’m fine thank you.
Astable: Glad to hear it.
Amobile: What a fallible construct.
Astable: Yes, unfortunately the maker is not perfect and the wood far from it.
Amobile: We made it, didn’t we?
Astable: When I had the use of my hands, when I was digital.
Amobile: And I could read.
Astable: We could have that fire. I am rather chilled.
Amobile: Yes I can see frostbite signs
In those feet of yours.
Astable: What if we need a bench?
Amobile: What if we need a bench?
Astable takes feet down
Astable: You can sit on this.
Astable points to the cabinet.
Amobile: Really, I can – sit on this.
Astable: Sit on this.
Amobile: Happy day! It’s been an ambition of mine.
Astable: Now, if you hear a creaking noise – get off. That’s all I’ll say.
Amobile: Straight off!
On the cabinet: me!
Astable: Now, read some more of the book; read the end and I’ll fill in the rest.
Amobile: OK sure, no probs.
Astable: You’ll have to hop off for a sec.
Amobile: I can’t sit here and read the book too?
Astable: It’s only for a bit; just the end.
Amobile: OK.
Amobile hops off and reads the book from Astables groin.
Astable: What is it? What’s wrong?
Amobile reels back in horror.
Amobile: Who would have thought that it would end?
End like that? This changes everything.
Astable: What does? What did it say? Was it bad? Was it about me? Was it? It was, wasn’t it?
Amobile: It was about all of us
You and me included.
Astable: Is it the pole? It’s the pole isn’t it? I can’t lose the pole, It’s me; Oh I’ve tried other fixings but the pole it’s just...me.
Amobile: It’s not the pole!
If anything it’s the cabinet.
It’s not even that.
Astable: Let’s lose the cabinet then, or the book, we could certainly lose that. As long as I can retain my pole, I’m fine.
Amobile: No without that book you’ll lose the pole.
Astable: Is that what it says? The book, the pole, the cabinet.
Amobile: Not in so many words.
Astable: Are you sure you read it?
Amobile: Yes they were words, I believe
Funny looking things – all black
And comprised of the same basic elements,
Words
Astable begins bashing the book
Astable: Bloody farking book!
Astable jumping up and down on the book
Amobile: Don’t bash the book.
Astable: Farking bloody book!
Amobile: Don’t bash the book!
Astable: Book!
Amobile: Don’t blame the book
It can’t help the words
It has printed on it
Astable: Farking!
Amobile: Stop it!
Astable: Book!
Amobile: I’ll burn your pole.
Astable: No.
Amobile: Good, now we can work this out.
Amobile puts the spectacles in the cabinet.
Astable: I’ll put the book in there too.
Amobile places the book in and closes the cabinet.
Amobile: Now.
Astable: Now?
Amobile: Now I’ll reach in and whatever I pull out
Is mine and whatever is left is yours.
Astable: OK.
Amobile: Right, here I go.
Astable: But you’ll pull out the book for certain and I’ll lose my pole.
Amobile: Then I’ll toss a coin
Astable: Do we have one?
Amobile: Rock, paper, scissors.
Astable: My hands are tied.
Amobile: Where are my spectacles.
Amobile retrieves the spectacles and skips off.
Astable sits on the cabinet happily.
Lights out.
Apart from hips, legs are my favourite part of the female anatomy. Joined to them, legs, I find, I have found to be found in the most unusual positions. I'd walk many a mile to find a pair of pins, apart from now
I know this in unofficial but I have a friend in the US who is a psychiatric nurse who works at the UCLA and she rang me two minutes ago to say that Britney suicided in the toilet about half an hour ago. My friend is not the sort of person who would ring me and tell me it had happened if it didn't. Half of me says wouldn't this be great if what I was writing was a world Orble exclusive and the other half of me says I really shouldn't write this. I don't know what to think. I just hope she didn't give my phone number to people like Oprah. I want to live a quiet blogger's life.
If there is one thing that I won't consider doing it's hypothesizing. There's nothing I like less than lessons that aren't learnt, ladies and lads. What could happen is part of so much nasal gazing. Looking down at others who are looking down at you is like looking up your own skirt. If there's one thing that gets up my skirt it would have to be my hand. Looking down my nose is a business that is all about the bottom. Line for line this post is part and parcel of delivering letters. After I've been to the urinals you'll know why they call me "Tinkle toes". I'm a real man. Of letters and warts, I'll take tablets. There's a great many thins to be gained from denying yourself. From this you can infer that I've fallen off. Let me just confer with my fingers. I'm one of those types who just can't stop at a red light district. It's go go, dancers. Standing at a dancefloor is a big part of my mating ritual. Dancing is a bigger part of my laugh. Standing and dancing: verbs.
I'm here to tell you that whatever I tell you will be telling. You can probably tell that if you're told something by me it's okay by me. I can tell you that I'm here to tell you that. I can tell you have been told because I told you so. I told you so you could tell that when I'd told you you could tell. You could tell the way I told you that what I tell you is telling. Tell me, what have you been told about abusing yourself with a megaphone? I thought I told you that to do that would be telling. It's telling that what I told you about that has not told on you. The bell has tolled and it was for you. I told you that. If I told you something telling you would have to pay a toll. I have and you will have to. I'm telling on you that what telling things I had for you, and that were told in private, haven't told on you in public. Abuse of oneself with a vocal enhancement contraption is highly suspicious habit. I won't tell you again that I'm telling a tale told by an eared it. I have two and they hear only what I have to tell. I have to tell you that I only hear what I won't too. You might be able to tell that the time it takes me to tell the time is the time it takes. Tellingly, the time is told till time takes hold. Ears and eyes: telling.
If you're anything like me you'll never compare others to yourself. No one stacks up chairs like I do. You, yourself, know like no other that knowing others is like knowing yourself. No way can anyone know anyone else like you know yourself, you know, yourself. You know yourself like I know no other can. Others, no less like you than you yourself, like you no less than you like them. Liking yourself is a known way to know that others like knowing you too. You too know that. Know that and you, and others, will know that nobody else stacks up at the end of the day. At the end of the day, no one known, there's no way known, knows the unknown. It's unknown that. It's unknown that no one doesn't have one of these: equal and opposite. Now that the unknown is known, and by no less a you than you, you can sit on top of your stack of cheers and laugh.
It's a great light relief to realise your ineffectiveness, effective immediately. That's why we should all take up the practice of throwing a log into a net. Bounce a few ideas around about the state of the world, while you're at it. If you don't mind, I have some rather heavy reading to do. A little matter of a thousand pages of classic literature to get through. When I finish with a book you simply won't recognise it. Now back to my little topic and, patting my head while patting my tummy, I can safely say that Power and Philsophy are opposite because I said so. I said so because I thought so. My mind, you see, is just like some magnificent sifting device, not dissimilar from a hand bucket with lots of holes. I could be quite wrong, but I think we know that's not about to happen any time this week. Fall over while cleaning shit from your shoes to realise your lying in a treatment plant. That's enough of that. Power and Philosophy: opposite? Potentially. Depends. The comfy incontinence arse-pillow for the bony-arsed blogger with bags of bread: bought bountifully.
If there's one thing that makes me sit up and take notice it would have to be a sign that says "Sit up and take notice". I have an uncanny ability for reading the signs. I won't sit up or take notice without being instructed to do so. You can go a long way with literacy and numeracy. My foot, I can't put my feet on the seats. Feet go on seats as arses go on the floor. My arse is without flaw. My feats on the other hand. When I start whistling that's the sign that my lip reduction stitches have healed. Nothing makes my lips whistle like a can of beans. Cracked whips are a sure sign of dry skin. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but I love self-flagellation. All the signs say that signs are a sure sign of signals. If you've ever sold sea shells on the see-saw you'll know how hard it is to have your arse pounded. If it came down to your arse or mine I'd back mine in. I've put a lot in to mine and I'm not going to back out now. Chances are, if you're reading this you're sitting up. I have noticed your fly is undone. Yours and mine: undone.
When it comes to jugs or cans, we all come down on one side or the other. Walking into a bar is a mistake I've made rarely. From that you can probably surmise that I come down on the side of cans. There's nothing finer than a couple of nice bubbly ones. The thing about jugs is that there's usually so much to go around. A can on the other hand and one on this hand is handsome. A jug on the other hand would require an extra extremity. It's not extreme to say that whether one likes cans or jugs says a whole lot about the very character of an individual. So, on a fine day such as this, crack open your mind and have a little think about what it is we find oursleves so stuck in: reality. It's refreshing to see so many who have poured over the information on hand. Nothing is more revealing than everything. On a sobering note, cans and jugs: opposite.
Norm
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