NormSEAMUS AND DELANEY, A BEDTIME STORY MY DAD WOULD TELL AND RECOLLECTED FOR HIS BIRTHDAY
SEAMUS AND DELANEY
SEAMUS, AN INVESTIGATOR
DELANEY, ANOTHER INVESTIGATOR
THE WITCHDOCTOR, A WITCHDOCTOR
THE PRINCESS, A PRINCESS
A MORGUE
ACT ONE
SEAMUS: Did you fart?
DELANEY: No.
SEAMUS: It must have been me.
DELANEY: You should know.
SEAMUS: Should I?
DELANEY: What would I know?
SEAMUS: Know?
DELANEY: What would I know?
SEAMUS: How should I know?
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: How should I know?
DELANEY: I don’t know.
SEAMUS: I should have known.
DELANEY: Should you?
SEAMUS: I should have.
DELANEY: I should have known.
SEAMUS: Did you?
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: Did you fart?
DELANEY: When?
SEAMUS: Just before?
DELANEY: Before what?
SEAMUS: Before you shat yourself?
DELANEY: Did I?
SEAMUS: It looks that way.
DELANEY: It looks like I shat myself?
SEAMUS: Did you?
DELANEY: I must have.
SEAMUS: Why?
DELANEY: How else would it get there?
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: The shit.
SEAMUS: It wasn’t me.
DELANEY: That only leaves me.
SEAMUS: What about everyone else?
DELANEY: I don’t think so.
SEAMUS: I think you’re over-reacting.
DELANEY: Do you see any point?
SEAMUS: Where?
DELANEY: In the transcript.
SEAMUS: I haven’t read it.
DELANEY: I make no exclamations.
SEAMUS: Let’s have a look.
DELANEY: There’s also a tape.
SEAMUS: A tape.
DELANEY: A tape.
SEAMUS: How novel.
DELANEY: It’s standard procedure in these cases.
SEAMUS: These cases?
DELANEY: The one we’re investigating.
SEAMUS: The investigation!
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: I nearly forgot.
DELANEY: Forgot what!?
SEAMUS: All about it.
DELANEY: How could you forget?
SEAMUS: It just slipped my mind.
DELANEY: It’s all this talk of farts.
SEAMUS: Don’t tell anyone.
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: I farted.
DELANEY: When?
SEAMUS: During the autopsy.
DELANEY: Lucky.
SEAMUS: Lucky?
DELANEY: I had a mask on.
SEAMUS: I thought it would be a good time.
DELANEY: It’s never a good time.
SEAMUS: You should do something about that.
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: The bulge in your pants.
DELANEY: Is it that obvious?
SEAMUS: It’s apparent.
DELANEY: I’ve tried everything?
SEAMUS: Have you tried changing your underpants?
DELANEY: Not for a while.
SEAMUS: How long?
DELANEY: It’s been a while?
SEAMUS: Weeks?
DELANEY: Years.
SEAMUS: I see.
DELANEY: Don’t take that tone with me.
SEAMUS: I see.
DELANEY: Did you fart?
SEAMUS: Where’s your mask now?
DELANEY: Good question.
SEAMUS: Where is it?
DELANEY: Good question.
SEAMUS: Another body has been recovered.
DELANEY: Not another one.
SEAMUS: No need for hysterics.
DELANEY: How do you know?
SEAMUS: I saw it on tv.
DELANEY: I see.
SEAMUS: Don’t take that tone with me.
DELANEY: What kind of body is it?
SEAMUS: A dead one.
DELANEY: A dead body.
SEAMUS: A corpse.
DELANEY: Another one.
SEAMUS: I don’t like the smell of this one.
DELANEY: The smell?
SEAMUS: It smells like curtains for us.
DELANEY: Us?
SEAMUS: It’s our case.
DELANEY: You don’t know that.
SEAMUS: I have my suspicions.
DELANEY: You have your suspicions.
SEAMUS: I do.
DELANEY: What do you make of the transcript?
SEAMUS: I can see a lot of paper planes in this.
DELANEY: Jokes, aside.
SEAMUS: It looks a bit wordy.
DELANEY: You should hear the tape.
SEAMUS: Why?
DELANEY: It’s the same thing.
SEAMUS: Is it?
DELANEY: It’s very wordy.
SEAMUS: I have a lot of questions.
DELANEY: Do you?
SEAMUS: Don’t I?
DELANEY: I haven’t read it for a while.
SEAMUS: I have a few questions.
DELANEY: Such as?
SEAMUS: Who did it?
DELANEY: It’s a good question.
SEAMUS: Is it?
DELANEY: I’d say so.
SEAMUS: I’d say you would.
DELANEY: What is that supposed to mean?
SEAMUS: I can’t answer that.
DELANEY: I’d like to see my lawyer.
SEAMUS: I bet.
DELANEY: I think he knows more than he’s letting on.
SEAMUS: Permission to approach the bench.
DELANEY: I need to sit down.
SEAMUS: I don’t see a seat anywhere.
DELANEY: What about this bench?
SEAMUS: What bench?
DELANEY: The bench.
SEAMUS: I don’t see a bench.
DELANEY: You brought it up.
SEAMUS: I think it was something I ate.
DELANEY: I’m not hungry.
SEAMUS: You don’t look hungry.
DELANEY: How do I look?
SEAMUS: You look like you’d smell.
DELANEY: It’s all those dead people.
SEAMUS: I see.
DELANEY: After a while you start to smell funny.
SEAMUS: You’re not making any sense.
DELANEY: It’s all there.
SEAMUS: Where?
DELANEY: It’s one of the first things I asked.
SEAMUS: Who?
DELANEY: The suspect, idiot.
SEAMUS: What did you ask?
DELANEY: I wanted to know everything.
SEAMUS: I’m making a note of this.
DELANEY: I wanted to know what it felt like.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: Nothing.
SEAMUS: Good.
DELANEY: I think we should get the suspect in.
SEAMUS: For?
DELANEY: For further questioning.
SEAMUS: I have a few questions of my own I’d like to ask.
DELANEY: Don’t we all?
SEAMUS: Are you asking me?
DELANEY: Who else would I be asking?
SEAMUS: Don’t ask me.
DELANEY: I do have one question.
SEAMUS: What’s that?
DELANEY: What’s what?
SEAMUS: That!
DELANEY: It looks a bit suspicious, doesn’t it?
SEAMUS: A bit!
DELANEY: It looks a bit suspicious.
SEAMUS: You should see it from where I’m sitting.
DELANEY: I want the truth, now.
SEAMUS: I’m standing up.
DELANEY: Now?
SEAMUS: I don’t think you’ve ever seen me sitting down.
DELANEY: I’ve seen you squatting.
SEAMUS: I’m always having a squat.
DELANEY: It’s been known to happen.
SEAMUS: What are you saying?
DELANEY: I’m just doing my job.
SEAMUS: I don’t like your line of questioning.
DELANEY: Is my face red?
SEAMUS: Let’s have a look.
DELANEY: Is my face red?
SEAMUS: You should have a seat.
DELANEY: Why?
SEAMUS: I’ve got something to tell you.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: Have a seat.
DELANEY: There are no seats.
SEAMUS: What do you call that?
DELANEY: A seat.
SEAMUS: Sit.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: Oh, it’s a seat.
DELANEY: I’m relieved.
SEAMUS: Do you want to see me squat?
DELANEY: That depends.
SEAMUS: On?
DELANEY: Do I have to watch?
SEAMUS: Are you sitting down?
DELANEY: Should I stand for this?
SEAMUS: You’re under investigation.
DELANEY: I knew it.
SEAMUS: You’re a key suspect.
DELANEY: I knew it!
SEAMUS: At this stage, you don’t have to say anything.
DELANEY: I’m not saying a word.
SEAMUS: I won’t tell.
DELANEY: I didn’t do it.
SEAMUS: We have witnesses.
DELANEY: I’m innocent.
SEAMUS: We have enough to charge you.
DELANEY: I swear I didn’t do it.
SEAMUS: Don’t!
DELANEY: I don’t like your tone.
SEAMUS: I’m sorry.
DELANEY: I have a confession to make.
SEAMUS: So you admit it.
DELANEY: I ate the last biscuit.
SEAMUS: I had my suspicions.
DELANEY: You should have said something.
SEAMUS: I didn’t want to alarm you.
DELANEY: You can’t expect me just to sit here and take it.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: Your accusations.
SEAMUS: You are being charged with murder.
DELANEY: I’ve never killed anyone in my life!
SEAMUS: Is that a fact?
DELANEY: More or less.
SEAMUS: Which is it?
DELANEY: It was an accident.
SEAMUS: We have reason to believe it was more than that.
DELANEY: I didn’t mean for it happen.
SEAMUS: So you admit it.
DELANEY: What am I saying?
SEAMUS: Something about an accident.
DELANEY: I’m not answering any more of your questions.
SEAMUS: Don’t make life difficult for yourself.
DELANEY: I’m not on trial.
SEAMUS: Tell that to the judge.
DELANEY: Your honour, I swear.
SEAMUS: We’re letting you go.
DELANEY: It’s about time.
SEAMUS: Do you want something to drink?
DELANEY: I could really use a drink.
SEAMUS: How?
DELANEY: How?
SEAMUS: How could you use a drink?
DELANEY: I need to wash my face.
SEAMUS: I have to wash my hands.
DELANEY: Do you want a drink?
SEAMUS: Are you asking me?
DELANEY: Who else is there?
SEAMUS: What about them?
DELANEY: They don’t look thirsty.
SEAMUS: Did you ask them?
DELANEY: Should I?
SEAMUS: I would.
DELANEY: Why wouldn’t you?
SEAMUS: Do you want a drink?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I couldn’t possibly.
DELANEY: Let me get you a drink.
SEAMUS: He said he didn’t want one.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I never said that.
DELANEY: How do you have it?
SEAMUS: What’s your poison?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I can’t.
DELANEY: Do you have to drive?
SEAMUS: Can I have yours?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I didn’t come here for that.
DELANEY: What did you come here for?
SEAMUS: You don’t mind then?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m here for the Princess.
DELANEY: We have reason to believe she’s been murdered.
SEAMUS: Murdered?!
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m here for the Princess.
DELANEY: Abducted.
SEAMUS: Nobody said anything about a murder.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m here for the Princess.
DELANEY: Look, she’s not here.
SEAMUS: She went that way.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I have come for the Princess.
DELANEY: She went this way.
SEAMUS: She went that way, mate.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the Princess?
DELANEY: The Princess isn’t here, mate.
SEAMUS: I saw her in the morgue.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the morgue?
DELANEY: You don’t want to go there.
SEAMUS: Don’t go there.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the morgue?
DELANEY: I’ll take you.
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Thank you. I’m very grateful.
ACT TWO
DELANEY: This. Is the morgue.
SEAMUS: See anything you like?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the Princess?
DELANEY: Look, mate, there is no princess.
SEAMUS: Something smells.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s her perfume.
DELANEY: That’s her perfume?
SEAMUS: She smells like a dead body.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: She has peculiar taste.
DELANEY: Look, I never met this “Princess”.
SEAMUS: If she tastes anything like she smells…
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is she?
DELANEY: I’ve got some bad news for you.
SEAMUS: I think I’ve found her.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where?!
DELANEY: I don’t know how to tell you this.
SEAMUS: Oh, fuck.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?!
DELANEY: It’s about your Princess.
SEAMUS: Oh, fuck.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?!
DELANEY: I’m afraid she’s not looking well.
SEAMUS: I’d say that’s a fair enough statement.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Is she all right?
DELANEY: It’s my duty to inform you that the Princess is dead.
SEAMUS: I don’t know about that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?! What? No! No.
DELANEY: I’m afraid it’s probably true.
SEAMUS: Her toes just twitched.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: She’s not dead. The Princess is alive!
DELANEY: Do alive princesses allow people to do this?
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t have thought so.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get your hands off the Princess!
DELANEY: I’m only saying.
SEAMUS: Settle down, mate.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking the Princess.
DELANEY: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.
SEAMUS: I can though.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking the Princess.
DELANEY: You’ll just have to sign some paperwork.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a pen.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ve got a pen.
DELANEY: He’s got a pen.
SEAMUS: You’ve already got one.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ve got a pen.
DELANEY: Got a light?
SEAMUS: Got a smoke?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I don’t smoke.
DELANEY: What do you call that?
SEAMUS: What is that?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ll give you a hint.
DELANEY: Can I have a clue?
SEAMUS: It’s a pen.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s a pen.
DELANEY: I thought it was something else.
SEAMUS: I wonder how she died?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It looks like she lost both her arms.
DELANEY: They’re under the sheet.
SEAMUS: Hahaha. It does look like she’s lost both her arms.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We’ll see what the coroner has to say about that.
DELANEY: Looks like she died under suspicious circumstances.
SEAMUS: Met with foul-play.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Can I take her now?
DELANEY: Can I see proof you are who you say you are?
SEAMUS: You know who I am.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking the Princess.
DELANEY: I wasn’t talking to you.
SEAMUS: I can see that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking her over here.
DELANEY: I’ll grab a leg.
SEAMUS: Let me help.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: You can get my instruments.
DELANEY: What instruments?
SEAMUS: Do you use instruments?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m a doctor.
DELANEY: I thought you were a bad person.
SEAMUS: He said he was a doctor.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I am a doctor.
DELANEY: Let’s put her down here.
SEAMUS: These look like instruments.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: This looks like a nice cold slab.
DELANEY: I’m beginning to get suspicious.
SEAMUS: You should have said something.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Thank you. You can go now.
DELANEY: I don’t think so.
SEAMUS: I can’t find the keys.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: The door is open.
DELANEY: I should have known.
SEAMUS: I could have told you that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me a sharp object.
DELANEY: I should have guessed.
SEAMUS: How’s this for sharp?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s a hammer.
DELANEY: I could have told you that.
SEAMUS: That’s a hammer?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Sorry. It’s a drill.
DELANEY: That’s a drill?
SEAMUS: You heard.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me a sharp object.
DELANEY: That’s not a drill.
SEAMUS: How’s this for a sharp object?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That will do just fine.
DELANEY: Let me sharpen that for you.
SEAMUS: I’m doing it.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand it over.
DELANEY: I wouldn’t cut there.
SEAMUS: She’s not dead yet.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: She’s dead all right.
DELANEY: Maybe she’s just sleeping.
SEAMUS: She doesn’t smell too good.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s how the Princess smells.
DELANEY: She smells like shit.
SEAMUS: She might have shat herself.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: The Princess doesn’t shit herself.
DELANEY: Not now.
SEAMUS: Not ever.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to try a new procedure.
DELANEY: Not now.
SEAMUS: She must have shat herself.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take two of these.
DELANEY: What are they?
SEAMUS: Got any water?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: There’s no time for that.
DELANEY: Now, look here.
SEAMUS: Tastes a bit funny.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to have to wash the brain.
DELANEY: Tastes funny but I’m sure it’s all right.
SEAMUS: I feel better now.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Help me remove the brain.
DELANEY: I’m not touching her!
SEAMUS: It could be used as evidence.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ll do it myself.
DELANEY: I’ll help.
SEAMUS: I’ll get the door.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Leave it.
DELANEY: Do you want this?
SEAMUS: Fine then.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me the saw.
DELANEY: Is this what you’re after?
SEAMUS: What about this?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s a hammer.
DELANEY: He asked for a saw.
SEAMUS: I thought you said something else.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s what I’m looking for.
DELANEY: Shouldn’t you wash it?
SEAMUS: It looks clean.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It doesn’t matter.
DELANEY: She’s dead.
SEAMUS: She’s dead now is she?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hold this.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: It smells.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s the Princess’ brain.
DELANEY: What did you think it was?
SEAMUS: I didn’t think it was that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Can you run me off a few copies?
DELANEY: I’m on it.
SEAMUS: What can I do?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Just don’t touch anything.
DELANEY: I’m going now.
SEAMUS: I’ve got to see this.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Can you get me a drink?
DELANEY: What do I look like to you?
SEAMUS: Can you get me one too?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m not answering any more of these questions.
DELANEY: I’m going.
SEAMUS: Don’t forget.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me that hammer.
DELANEY: I’ve got your photocopies.
SEAMUS: That was quick.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get these to the lab.
DELANEY: What lab?
SEAMUS: We don’t have a lab.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We don’t have a lab?
DELANEY: So I’m told.
SEAMUS: We have a microwave.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get this to the microwave.
DELANEY: The microwave?
SEAMUS: For how long?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Three minutes on high.
DELANEY: Done.
SEAMUS: That was quick.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s as I first thought.
DELANEY: What do you think?
SEAMUS: I don’t know what to think.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Massive brain injury.
DELANEY: That can only mean one thing.
SEAMUS: God, don’t I know.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?
DELANEY: The brain is no good to anyone.
SEAMUS: You never know.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to have to operate.
DELANEY: I’ve got a headache.
SEAMUS: Let me have a look.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the brain?
DELANEY: I left it in the photocopier.
SEAMUS: You idiot!!
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ll have to give her an artificial brain transplant.
DELANEY: Can you do that?
SEAMUS: There’s no other option.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I could try something.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: Anything.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I could photocopy my own brain.
DELANEY: And put in her head.
SEAMUS: That could work.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s risky but it could save her life.
DELANEY: She’s already dead.
SEAMUS: Leave the medical opinions to the professionals.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We’re losing her.
DELANEY: She’s already dead.
SEAMUS: Her brain has been removed.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: There’s no time.
DELANEY: What’s the hurry?
SEAMUS: She’s not going anywhere.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get me a screwdriver.
DELANEY: Try this.
SEAMUS: Is this what you were looking for?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s a can-opener.
DELANEY: Try this.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a can.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Wrench.
DELANEY: Wrench.
SEAMUS: Who’s hungry?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Screwdriver.
DELANEY: I thought I gave it to you.
SEAMUS: No?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What are you eating?
DELANEY: Try this.
SEAMUS: Nothing.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get me a sandwich.
DELANEY: What am I?
SEAMUS: Do you want butter in your sandwich?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: There’s no time.
DELANEY: Nothing for me.
SEAMUS: Have you repaired her brain yet?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Plug her in.
DELANEY: Shouldn’t we put the top of her head back on?
SEAMUS: That’s a thought.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I suppose it can’t hurt.
DELANEY: That’s going to need stitches.
SEAMUS: I’ll get the stapler.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That ought to hold it.
DELANEY: Can I plug her in?
SEAMUS: I’m doing it.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Is it on?
DELANEY: Where does the other end go?
SEAMUS: Put it in her ear.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It goes in the back.
DELANEY: Like this?
SEAMUS: That’s got it.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: The patient is not responding.
DELANEY: Should we cut her open?
SEAMUS: I’ll get the scissors.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get me three hundred milligrams of morphine.
DELANEY: Have four hundred milligrams.
SEAMUS: Can I try some?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Give me your arm.
DELANEY: Have mine.
SEAMUS: Me first.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Now me.
DELANEY: I think she’s gone.
SEAMUS: I think we’ve lost her.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Are you sure you gave me morphine?
DELANEY: Bleach.
SEAMUS: That can’t be good.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I read about it in a journal.
DELANEY: Can I see?
SEAMUS: It’s probably private.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We have to get her to a hospital.
DELANEY: What hospital?
SEAMUS: The closest hospital is miles from here.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do.
DELANEY: You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
SEAMUS: It must have been something I ate.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We found traces of oxygen in your blood.
DELANEY: You’ve gone very pale.
SEAMUS: Oh, God.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We’re going to run a few more tests.
DELANEY: Have you got a pen?
SEAMUS: I hate tests.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take a seat and someone will be in to see you.
DELANEY: What seat?
SEAMUS: Any seat.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to run off a few tests.
DELANEY: Do you know where the photocopier is?
SEAMUS: Is this seat taken?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Please take your hands off my buttocks.
DELANEY: I don’t know what I was thinking.
SEAMUS: Let me guess.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take two of these before going to bed.
DELANEY: What are they?
SEAMUS: I’m going to bed.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take two of these and see me in the morning.
DELANEY: They’re not what I think they are?
SEAMUS: Do you want a glass of water?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s my opinion that your breath stinks.
DELANEY: They’re breath mints.
SEAMUS: Does my breath stink?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Have a cigarette.
DELANEY: I quit.
SEAMUS: I’m trying to give up.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take a few.
ACT THREE
DELANEY: Did you fart?
SEAMUS: No.
DELANEY: Your breath stinks.
SEAMUS: It must have been something I ate.
DELANEY: It wasn’t something you ate.
SEAMUS: Eat this.
DELANEY: I’ve already eaten.
SEAMUS: What did you have?
DELANEY: I had the veal.
SEAMUS: I had the veal!
DELANEY: Did you just see that?
SEAMUS: See what?
DELANEY: She let out a noise.
SEAMUS: Gas has been known to escape from dead bodies.
DELANEY: What’s your excuse?
SEAMUS: I haven’t finished talking.
DELANEY: What am I saying?
SEAMUS: Will you let me finish?
DELANEY: Can you hurry up?
SEAMUS: What was I saying, again?
DELANEY: Did you just see that?
SEAMUS: Ah, yes.
DELANEY: She’s alive.
SEAMUS: Gas has been known to escape from dead bodies.
DELANEY: She’s not dead.
SEAMUS: I’m speaking.
DELANEY: What are you trying to say?
SEAMUS: If you’ll let me finish, please.
DELANEY: I’m not talking to you.
SEAMUS: As I was saying.
DELANEY: You’ll have to speak up.
SEAMUS: The gas has nowhere to go.
DELANEY: Can you repeat that?
SEAMUS: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
DELANEY: I’m dead?
SEAMUS: Gas has been know to escape from dead bodies.
DELANEY: What does that mean?
SEAMUS: You’re dead.
DELANEY: I’m alive.
SEAMUS: Who said you were dead?
DELANEY: She did.
SEAMUS: She’s dead.
DELANEY: She’s not dead. She just told me.
SEAMUS: What did she say, exactly?
DELANEY: I’m dead.
SEAMUS: She said you’re dead?
DELANEY: I’m dead. I’m dead.
SEAMUS: Let me ask you this.
DELANEY: I’m not dead. I’m alive.
SEAMUS: Did she say anything about me?
DELANEY: She didn’t mention your name.
SEAMUS: I was beginning to think.
DELANEY: Her lips are moving.
SEAMUS: It’s not uncommon to experience some twitching after death.
DELANEY: Her lips are moving.
SEAMUS: It’s been known to happen.
DELANEY: What do you think she’s saying now?
SEAMUS: I’m not a mind-reader.
DELANEY: Can you read lips?
SEAMUS: Read my lips.
DELANEY: I can’t read lips.
SEAMUS: Shut up a second.
DELANEY: What’s she saying?
SEAMUS: I think I hear someone.
DELANEY: It’s her. It’s her.
SEAMUS: I don’t know how to tell you this.
DELANEY: What? What? What?
SEAMUS: I don’t think we’re alone.
DELANEY: I could have told you that.
SEAMUS: Why didn’t you say something?
DELANEY: I did. I did. I did say something.
SEAMUS: I hate to be the one who has to tell you this.
DELANEY: You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.
SEAMUS: I can hear whispering.
DELANEY: Oh, shit.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: Did you not just see that?
SEAMUS: See what?
DELANEY: That.
SEAMUS: It’s not unknown for dead bodies to open their eyes.
DELANEY: She’s staring at me.
SEAMUS: Don’t flatter yourself.
DELANEY: Should I go ever there?
SEAMUS: I think she likes you.
DELANEY: What am I going to say?
SEAMUS: I like what you’re wearing.
DELANEY: Can you come with me?
SEAMUS: Does she have a sister?
DELANEY: A sister? How should I know?
SEAMUS: How am I supposed to know?
DELANEY: I like what you’ve got on.
SEAMUS: What you’re wearing.
DELANEY: I mean, I like what you’re wearing.
SEAMUS: Tell her that you like her hair.
DELANEY: I like your hair.
SEAMUS: You should model.
DELANEY: You should model.
SEAMUS: You have lovely eyes.
DELANEY: Your eyes are lovely.
SEAMUS: Aren’t you going to say anything?
DELANEY: I’m not going to say that.
SEAMUS: Whisper it.
DELANEY: Aren’t you going to say anything?
SEAMUS: What did she say?
DELANEY: You’re dead
SEAMUS: You’re not dead.
DELANEY: Not me.
SEAMUS: She wasn’t talking to me.
DELANEY: You’re dead.
SEAMUS: What were her exact words?
DELANEY: You’re dead.
SEAMUS: She was talking to you.
DELANEY: I’m not dead.
SEAMUS: She didn’t mean that.
DELANEY: What do you mean?
SEAMUS: I mean that’s not what she meant.
DELANEY: If looks could kill.
SEAMUS: I think she blames you.
DELANEY: It wasn’t my idea.
SEAMUS: Try telling her that.
DELANEY: It wasn’t my idea.
SEAMUS: What did she say?
DELANEY: She said she can’t feel her legs.
SEAMUS: Let me have a feel.
DELANEY: I don’t think she likes that.
SEAMUS: I’m not a mind-reader.
DELANEY: What am I thinking!?
SEAMUS: I don’t know.
DELANEY: Dead people don’t have feelings.
SEAMUS: Strange.
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: She seems to have some movement in her legs.
DELANEY: You sound shocked.
SEAMUS: She just kneed me in the head.
DELANEY: There’s a lump on your head.
SEAMUS: That’s my nose.
DELANEY: How does it feel?
SEAMUS: See for yourself.
DELANEY: You’ll live.
SEAMUS: She’s regaining full movement in her legs.
DELANEY: Oh, shit.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: She’s coming over here.
SEAMUS: Just be yourself.
DELANEY: What do I say?
SEAMUS: Act naturally.
DELANEY: How’s this?
SEAMUS: Did you just shit yourself?
DELANEY: Isn’t it obvious?
SEAMUS: You’ll have to excuse my friend.
DELANEY: I have to go to the bathroom.
SEAMUS: Excuse me?
DELANEY: I have to go to the bathroom.
SEAMUS: I’m sorry, what did you say?
DELANEY: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.
SEAMUS: Sorry, what?
DELANEY: She just said that she wants to eat my arsehole.
SEAMUS: What kind of foul-mouthed princess are you?
DELANEY: I’ve never heard anything like it.
SEAMUS: Just ignore her.
DELANEY: Did you hear that?
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: She just called me an arsehole.
SEAMUS: Did you just call my friend an arsehole?
DELANEY: Did you just call me an arsehole?
SEAMUS: Who are you calling an arsehole?
DELANEY: Are you calling me an arsehole?
SEAMUS: Don’t you call me an arsehole.
DELANEY: Oh, I’m sorry.
SEAMUS: What for?
DELANEY: I thought you were calling me an arsehole.
SEAMUS: What were you saying?
DELANEY: She still wants to eat my arsehole.
SEAMUS: Is that why she keeps saying it?
DELANEY: Saying what?
SEAMUS: Arsehole.
DELANEY: Wouldn’t you like something else to eat?
SEAMUS: Have we got anything else to eat?
DELANEY: There are some other arseholes over here.
SEAMUS: Other than arseholes.
DELANEY: I thought I told you.
SEAMUS: You can’t eat our arseholes.
DELANEY: Who said anything about your arsehole?
SEAMUS: Would you eat my arsehole?
DELANEY: She never said anything about your arsehole.
SEAMUS: Thank you.
DELANEY: You’ll eat any old arsehole then.
SEAMUS: That doesn’t mean that you can eat my arsehole.
DELANEY: You’re not eating mine either.
SEAMUS: It’s nothing personal.
DELANEY:. You seem like a nice enough person.
SEAMUS: I’m sure you’re a nice enough person
DELANEY: Why don’t I show you some other arseholes?
SEAMUS: How many times do I have to tell you?
DELANEY: I keep telling you.
SEAMUS: You can’t eat my arsehole.
DELANEY: Try one of these arseholes.
SEAMUS: Tell me what you think.
DELANEY: Have you ever eaten a cold arsehole before?
SEAMUS: I can put it in the microwave for you.
DELANEY: It’s not even cold.
SEAMUS: What does it taste like?
DELANEY: What did you say?
SEAMUS: She says it tastes like arsehole.
DELANEY: What does that taste like?
SEAMUS: Aren’t you going to eat the rest?
DELANEY: She’s got that look again.
SEAMUS: I think she wants you.
DELANEY: She’s only interested in one thing.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: You guessed it.
SEAMUS: I was going to say that.
DELANEY: You’re only interested in one thing.
SEAMUS: I was going to say “arsehole”.
DELANEY: Take your hands off me.
SEAMUS: You heard.
DELANEY: Now you listen to me.
SEAMUS: Look here.
DELANEY: Get your hands off me.
SEAMUS: You heard the man.
DELANEY: That’s a bit rough.
SEAMUS: You heard the lady.
DELANEY: That’s better.
SEAMUS: I’ll let you get on with it then.
DELANEY: It might be an idea.
SEAMUS: Do you mind if I watch?
DELANEY: Take a photo.
SEAMUS: Should I?
DELANEY: It’ll last longer.
SEAMUS: Will it?
DELANEY: What’s your memory like?
SEAMUS: Photographic.
DELANEY: Forget it then.
SEAMUS: Could you hold this?
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: It’s a recorder.
DELANEY: I didn’t know you played.
SEAMUS: It’s a tape recorder.
DELANEY: What does it do?
SEAMUS: Don’t you remember?
DELANEY: What’s it for?
SEAMUS: It plays tapes.
DELANEY: You mean like this?
SEAMUS: Don’t play with that.
DELANEY: Why not?
SEAMUS: It’s not yours.
DELANEY: What does this button do?
SEAMUS: What does it say?
DELANEY: Pause.
SEAMUS: Don’t push it.
DELANEY: Can you hold this for me?
SEAMUS: Don’t give it to her?
DELANEY: Why?
SEAMUS: She’ll lose it.
DELANEY: She’s not going to lose it.
SEAMUS: Look at her.
DELANEY: I don’t have to listen to this.
SEAMUS: What are you talking about?
DELANEY: You know what I’m talking about.
SEAMUS: I don’t know what to say.
DELANEY: You don’t have to say anything.
SEAMUS: Can you speak up?
DELANEY: Don’t talk to her.
SEAMUS: I didn’t hear what you said.
DELANEY: Don’t talk to her.
SEAMUS: I heard you the first time.
DELANEY: There’s no need to swear.
SEAMUS: What did she say?
DELANEY: She called you an arsehole.
SEAMUS: I thought so.
DELANEY: She didn’t mean anything by it.
SEAMUS: I’m not sure what you mean.
DELANEY: She doesn’t mean to say you are an arsehole.
SEAMUS: She means to say she wants to eat my arsehole?
DELANEY: Something like that.
SEAMUS: What exactly?
DELANEY: Exactly that.
SEAMUS: There’s nothing to eat.
DELANEY: You’ll eat just any old arsehole, won’t you?
SEAMUS: Now you’ve done it.
DELANEY: You don’t even care.
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t.
DELANEY: You disgust me.
SEAMUS: Stop it
DELANEY: You’re choking me.
SEAMUS: Stop that.
DELANEY: Stop biting me.
SEAMUS: That’s. It.
DELANEY: Don’t make me fart.
SEAMUS: Oh, shit.
DELANEY: Oh, fuck.
SEAMUS: You’ve killed her.
DELANEY: I didn’t mean it.
SEAMUS: It doesn’t matter now.
DELANEY: I didn’t mean to kill her.
SEAMUS: Tell me.
DELANEY: It was an accident.
SEAMUS: How did you do it?
DELANEY: I don’t know.
SEAMUS: How did you kill her?
DELANEY: I’m not sure.
SEAMUS: Did you fart?
DELANEY: Are you deaf?
SEAMUS, AN INVESTIGATOR
DELANEY, ANOTHER INVESTIGATOR
THE WITCHDOCTOR, A WITCHDOCTOR
THE PRINCESS, A PRINCESS
A MORGUE
ACT ONE
SEAMUS: Did you fart?
DELANEY: No.
SEAMUS: It must have been me.
DELANEY: You should know.
SEAMUS: Should I?
DELANEY: What would I know?
SEAMUS: Know?
DELANEY: What would I know?
SEAMUS: How should I know?
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: How should I know?
DELANEY: I don’t know.
SEAMUS: I should have known.
DELANEY: Should you?
SEAMUS: I should have.
DELANEY: I should have known.
SEAMUS: Did you?
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: Did you fart?
DELANEY: When?
SEAMUS: Just before?
DELANEY: Before what?
SEAMUS: Before you shat yourself?
DELANEY: Did I?
SEAMUS: It looks that way.
DELANEY: It looks like I shat myself?
SEAMUS: Did you?
DELANEY: I must have.
SEAMUS: Why?
DELANEY: How else would it get there?
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: The shit.
SEAMUS: It wasn’t me.
DELANEY: That only leaves me.
SEAMUS: What about everyone else?
DELANEY: I don’t think so.
SEAMUS: I think you’re over-reacting.
DELANEY: Do you see any point?
SEAMUS: Where?
DELANEY: In the transcript.
SEAMUS: I haven’t read it.
DELANEY: I make no exclamations.
SEAMUS: Let’s have a look.
DELANEY: There’s also a tape.
SEAMUS: A tape.
DELANEY: A tape.
SEAMUS: How novel.
DELANEY: It’s standard procedure in these cases.
SEAMUS: These cases?
DELANEY: The one we’re investigating.
SEAMUS: The investigation!
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: I nearly forgot.
DELANEY: Forgot what!?
SEAMUS: All about it.
DELANEY: How could you forget?
SEAMUS: It just slipped my mind.
DELANEY: It’s all this talk of farts.
SEAMUS: Don’t tell anyone.
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: I farted.
DELANEY: When?
SEAMUS: During the autopsy.
DELANEY: Lucky.
SEAMUS: Lucky?
DELANEY: I had a mask on.
SEAMUS: I thought it would be a good time.
DELANEY: It’s never a good time.
SEAMUS: You should do something about that.
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: The bulge in your pants.
DELANEY: Is it that obvious?
SEAMUS: It’s apparent.
DELANEY: I’ve tried everything?
SEAMUS: Have you tried changing your underpants?
DELANEY: Not for a while.
SEAMUS: How long?
DELANEY: It’s been a while?
SEAMUS: Weeks?
DELANEY: Years.
SEAMUS: I see.
DELANEY: Don’t take that tone with me.
SEAMUS: I see.
DELANEY: Did you fart?
SEAMUS: Where’s your mask now?
DELANEY: Good question.
SEAMUS: Where is it?
DELANEY: Good question.
SEAMUS: Another body has been recovered.
DELANEY: Not another one.
SEAMUS: No need for hysterics.
DELANEY: How do you know?
SEAMUS: I saw it on tv.
DELANEY: I see.
SEAMUS: Don’t take that tone with me.
DELANEY: What kind of body is it?
SEAMUS: A dead one.
DELANEY: A dead body.
SEAMUS: A corpse.
DELANEY: Another one.
SEAMUS: I don’t like the smell of this one.
DELANEY: The smell?
SEAMUS: It smells like curtains for us.
DELANEY: Us?
SEAMUS: It’s our case.
DELANEY: You don’t know that.
SEAMUS: I have my suspicions.
DELANEY: You have your suspicions.
SEAMUS: I do.
DELANEY: What do you make of the transcript?
SEAMUS: I can see a lot of paper planes in this.
DELANEY: Jokes, aside.
SEAMUS: It looks a bit wordy.
DELANEY: You should hear the tape.
SEAMUS: Why?
DELANEY: It’s the same thing.
SEAMUS: Is it?
DELANEY: It’s very wordy.
SEAMUS: I have a lot of questions.
DELANEY: Do you?
SEAMUS: Don’t I?
DELANEY: I haven’t read it for a while.
SEAMUS: I have a few questions.
DELANEY: Such as?
SEAMUS: Who did it?
DELANEY: It’s a good question.
SEAMUS: Is it?
DELANEY: I’d say so.
SEAMUS: I’d say you would.
DELANEY: What is that supposed to mean?
SEAMUS: I can’t answer that.
DELANEY: I’d like to see my lawyer.
SEAMUS: I bet.
DELANEY: I think he knows more than he’s letting on.
SEAMUS: Permission to approach the bench.
DELANEY: I need to sit down.
SEAMUS: I don’t see a seat anywhere.
DELANEY: What about this bench?
SEAMUS: What bench?
DELANEY: The bench.
SEAMUS: I don’t see a bench.
DELANEY: You brought it up.
SEAMUS: I think it was something I ate.
DELANEY: I’m not hungry.
SEAMUS: You don’t look hungry.
DELANEY: How do I look?
SEAMUS: You look like you’d smell.
DELANEY: It’s all those dead people.
SEAMUS: I see.
DELANEY: After a while you start to smell funny.
SEAMUS: You’re not making any sense.
DELANEY: It’s all there.
SEAMUS: Where?
DELANEY: It’s one of the first things I asked.
SEAMUS: Who?
DELANEY: The suspect, idiot.
SEAMUS: What did you ask?
DELANEY: I wanted to know everything.
SEAMUS: I’m making a note of this.
DELANEY: I wanted to know what it felt like.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: Nothing.
SEAMUS: Good.
DELANEY: I think we should get the suspect in.
SEAMUS: For?
DELANEY: For further questioning.
SEAMUS: I have a few questions of my own I’d like to ask.
DELANEY: Don’t we all?
SEAMUS: Are you asking me?
DELANEY: Who else would I be asking?
SEAMUS: Don’t ask me.
DELANEY: I do have one question.
SEAMUS: What’s that?
DELANEY: What’s what?
SEAMUS: That!
DELANEY: It looks a bit suspicious, doesn’t it?
SEAMUS: A bit!
DELANEY: It looks a bit suspicious.
SEAMUS: You should see it from where I’m sitting.
DELANEY: I want the truth, now.
SEAMUS: I’m standing up.
DELANEY: Now?
SEAMUS: I don’t think you’ve ever seen me sitting down.
DELANEY: I’ve seen you squatting.
SEAMUS: I’m always having a squat.
DELANEY: It’s been known to happen.
SEAMUS: What are you saying?
DELANEY: I’m just doing my job.
SEAMUS: I don’t like your line of questioning.
DELANEY: Is my face red?
SEAMUS: Let’s have a look.
DELANEY: Is my face red?
SEAMUS: You should have a seat.
DELANEY: Why?
SEAMUS: I’ve got something to tell you.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: Have a seat.
DELANEY: There are no seats.
SEAMUS: What do you call that?
DELANEY: A seat.
SEAMUS: Sit.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: Oh, it’s a seat.
DELANEY: I’m relieved.
SEAMUS: Do you want to see me squat?
DELANEY: That depends.
SEAMUS: On?
DELANEY: Do I have to watch?
SEAMUS: Are you sitting down?
DELANEY: Should I stand for this?
SEAMUS: You’re under investigation.
DELANEY: I knew it.
SEAMUS: You’re a key suspect.
DELANEY: I knew it!
SEAMUS: At this stage, you don’t have to say anything.
DELANEY: I’m not saying a word.
SEAMUS: I won’t tell.
DELANEY: I didn’t do it.
SEAMUS: We have witnesses.
DELANEY: I’m innocent.
SEAMUS: We have enough to charge you.
DELANEY: I swear I didn’t do it.
SEAMUS: Don’t!
DELANEY: I don’t like your tone.
SEAMUS: I’m sorry.
DELANEY: I have a confession to make.
SEAMUS: So you admit it.
DELANEY: I ate the last biscuit.
SEAMUS: I had my suspicions.
DELANEY: You should have said something.
SEAMUS: I didn’t want to alarm you.
DELANEY: You can’t expect me just to sit here and take it.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: Your accusations.
SEAMUS: You are being charged with murder.
DELANEY: I’ve never killed anyone in my life!
SEAMUS: Is that a fact?
DELANEY: More or less.
SEAMUS: Which is it?
DELANEY: It was an accident.
SEAMUS: We have reason to believe it was more than that.
DELANEY: I didn’t mean for it happen.
SEAMUS: So you admit it.
DELANEY: What am I saying?
SEAMUS: Something about an accident.
DELANEY: I’m not answering any more of your questions.
SEAMUS: Don’t make life difficult for yourself.
DELANEY: I’m not on trial.
SEAMUS: Tell that to the judge.
DELANEY: Your honour, I swear.
SEAMUS: We’re letting you go.
DELANEY: It’s about time.
SEAMUS: Do you want something to drink?
DELANEY: I could really use a drink.
SEAMUS: How?
DELANEY: How?
SEAMUS: How could you use a drink?
DELANEY: I need to wash my face.
SEAMUS: I have to wash my hands.
DELANEY: Do you want a drink?
SEAMUS: Are you asking me?
DELANEY: Who else is there?
SEAMUS: What about them?
DELANEY: They don’t look thirsty.
SEAMUS: Did you ask them?
DELANEY: Should I?
SEAMUS: I would.
DELANEY: Why wouldn’t you?
SEAMUS: Do you want a drink?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I couldn’t possibly.
DELANEY: Let me get you a drink.
SEAMUS: He said he didn’t want one.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I never said that.
DELANEY: How do you have it?
SEAMUS: What’s your poison?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I can’t.
DELANEY: Do you have to drive?
SEAMUS: Can I have yours?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I didn’t come here for that.
DELANEY: What did you come here for?
SEAMUS: You don’t mind then?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m here for the Princess.
DELANEY: We have reason to believe she’s been murdered.
SEAMUS: Murdered?!
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m here for the Princess.
DELANEY: Abducted.
SEAMUS: Nobody said anything about a murder.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m here for the Princess.
DELANEY: Look, she’s not here.
SEAMUS: She went that way.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I have come for the Princess.
DELANEY: She went this way.
SEAMUS: She went that way, mate.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the Princess?
DELANEY: The Princess isn’t here, mate.
SEAMUS: I saw her in the morgue.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the morgue?
DELANEY: You don’t want to go there.
SEAMUS: Don’t go there.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the morgue?
DELANEY: I’ll take you.
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Thank you. I’m very grateful.
ACT TWO
DELANEY: This. Is the morgue.
SEAMUS: See anything you like?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the Princess?
DELANEY: Look, mate, there is no princess.
SEAMUS: Something smells.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s her perfume.
DELANEY: That’s her perfume?
SEAMUS: She smells like a dead body.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: She has peculiar taste.
DELANEY: Look, I never met this “Princess”.
SEAMUS: If she tastes anything like she smells…
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is she?
DELANEY: I’ve got some bad news for you.
SEAMUS: I think I’ve found her.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where?!
DELANEY: I don’t know how to tell you this.
SEAMUS: Oh, fuck.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?!
DELANEY: It’s about your Princess.
SEAMUS: Oh, fuck.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?!
DELANEY: I’m afraid she’s not looking well.
SEAMUS: I’d say that’s a fair enough statement.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Is she all right?
DELANEY: It’s my duty to inform you that the Princess is dead.
SEAMUS: I don’t know about that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?! What? No! No.
DELANEY: I’m afraid it’s probably true.
SEAMUS: Her toes just twitched.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: She’s not dead. The Princess is alive!
DELANEY: Do alive princesses allow people to do this?
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t have thought so.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get your hands off the Princess!
DELANEY: I’m only saying.
SEAMUS: Settle down, mate.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking the Princess.
DELANEY: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.
SEAMUS: I can though.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking the Princess.
DELANEY: You’ll just have to sign some paperwork.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a pen.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ve got a pen.
DELANEY: He’s got a pen.
SEAMUS: You’ve already got one.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ve got a pen.
DELANEY: Got a light?
SEAMUS: Got a smoke?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I don’t smoke.
DELANEY: What do you call that?
SEAMUS: What is that?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ll give you a hint.
DELANEY: Can I have a clue?
SEAMUS: It’s a pen.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s a pen.
DELANEY: I thought it was something else.
SEAMUS: I wonder how she died?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It looks like she lost both her arms.
DELANEY: They’re under the sheet.
SEAMUS: Hahaha. It does look like she’s lost both her arms.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We’ll see what the coroner has to say about that.
DELANEY: Looks like she died under suspicious circumstances.
SEAMUS: Met with foul-play.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Can I take her now?
DELANEY: Can I see proof you are who you say you are?
SEAMUS: You know who I am.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking the Princess.
DELANEY: I wasn’t talking to you.
SEAMUS: I can see that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m taking her over here.
DELANEY: I’ll grab a leg.
SEAMUS: Let me help.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: You can get my instruments.
DELANEY: What instruments?
SEAMUS: Do you use instruments?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m a doctor.
DELANEY: I thought you were a bad person.
SEAMUS: He said he was a doctor.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I am a doctor.
DELANEY: Let’s put her down here.
SEAMUS: These look like instruments.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: This looks like a nice cold slab.
DELANEY: I’m beginning to get suspicious.
SEAMUS: You should have said something.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Thank you. You can go now.
DELANEY: I don’t think so.
SEAMUS: I can’t find the keys.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: The door is open.
DELANEY: I should have known.
SEAMUS: I could have told you that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me a sharp object.
DELANEY: I should have guessed.
SEAMUS: How’s this for sharp?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s a hammer.
DELANEY: I could have told you that.
SEAMUS: That’s a hammer?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Sorry. It’s a drill.
DELANEY: That’s a drill?
SEAMUS: You heard.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me a sharp object.
DELANEY: That’s not a drill.
SEAMUS: How’s this for a sharp object?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That will do just fine.
DELANEY: Let me sharpen that for you.
SEAMUS: I’m doing it.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand it over.
DELANEY: I wouldn’t cut there.
SEAMUS: She’s not dead yet.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: She’s dead all right.
DELANEY: Maybe she’s just sleeping.
SEAMUS: She doesn’t smell too good.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s how the Princess smells.
DELANEY: She smells like shit.
SEAMUS: She might have shat herself.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: The Princess doesn’t shit herself.
DELANEY: Not now.
SEAMUS: Not ever.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to try a new procedure.
DELANEY: Not now.
SEAMUS: She must have shat herself.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take two of these.
DELANEY: What are they?
SEAMUS: Got any water?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: There’s no time for that.
DELANEY: Now, look here.
SEAMUS: Tastes a bit funny.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to have to wash the brain.
DELANEY: Tastes funny but I’m sure it’s all right.
SEAMUS: I feel better now.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Help me remove the brain.
DELANEY: I’m not touching her!
SEAMUS: It could be used as evidence.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ll do it myself.
DELANEY: I’ll help.
SEAMUS: I’ll get the door.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Leave it.
DELANEY: Do you want this?
SEAMUS: Fine then.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me the saw.
DELANEY: Is this what you’re after?
SEAMUS: What about this?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s a hammer.
DELANEY: He asked for a saw.
SEAMUS: I thought you said something else.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s what I’m looking for.
DELANEY: Shouldn’t you wash it?
SEAMUS: It looks clean.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It doesn’t matter.
DELANEY: She’s dead.
SEAMUS: She’s dead now is she?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hold this.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: It smells.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s the Princess’ brain.
DELANEY: What did you think it was?
SEAMUS: I didn’t think it was that.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Can you run me off a few copies?
DELANEY: I’m on it.
SEAMUS: What can I do?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Just don’t touch anything.
DELANEY: I’m going now.
SEAMUS: I’ve got to see this.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Can you get me a drink?
DELANEY: What do I look like to you?
SEAMUS: Can you get me one too?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m not answering any more of these questions.
DELANEY: I’m going.
SEAMUS: Don’t forget.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Hand me that hammer.
DELANEY: I’ve got your photocopies.
SEAMUS: That was quick.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get these to the lab.
DELANEY: What lab?
SEAMUS: We don’t have a lab.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We don’t have a lab?
DELANEY: So I’m told.
SEAMUS: We have a microwave.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get this to the microwave.
DELANEY: The microwave?
SEAMUS: For how long?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Three minutes on high.
DELANEY: Done.
SEAMUS: That was quick.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s as I first thought.
DELANEY: What do you think?
SEAMUS: I don’t know what to think.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Massive brain injury.
DELANEY: That can only mean one thing.
SEAMUS: God, don’t I know.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What?
DELANEY: The brain is no good to anyone.
SEAMUS: You never know.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to have to operate.
DELANEY: I’ve got a headache.
SEAMUS: Let me have a look.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Where is the brain?
DELANEY: I left it in the photocopier.
SEAMUS: You idiot!!
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’ll have to give her an artificial brain transplant.
DELANEY: Can you do that?
SEAMUS: There’s no other option.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I could try something.
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: Anything.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I could photocopy my own brain.
DELANEY: And put in her head.
SEAMUS: That could work.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s risky but it could save her life.
DELANEY: She’s already dead.
SEAMUS: Leave the medical opinions to the professionals.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We’re losing her.
DELANEY: She’s already dead.
SEAMUS: Her brain has been removed.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: There’s no time.
DELANEY: What’s the hurry?
SEAMUS: She’s not going anywhere.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get me a screwdriver.
DELANEY: Try this.
SEAMUS: Is this what you were looking for?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That’s a can-opener.
DELANEY: Try this.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a can.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Wrench.
DELANEY: Wrench.
SEAMUS: Who’s hungry?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Screwdriver.
DELANEY: I thought I gave it to you.
SEAMUS: No?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: What are you eating?
DELANEY: Try this.
SEAMUS: Nothing.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get me a sandwich.
DELANEY: What am I?
SEAMUS: Do you want butter in your sandwich?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: There’s no time.
DELANEY: Nothing for me.
SEAMUS: Have you repaired her brain yet?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Plug her in.
DELANEY: Shouldn’t we put the top of her head back on?
SEAMUS: That’s a thought.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I suppose it can’t hurt.
DELANEY: That’s going to need stitches.
SEAMUS: I’ll get the stapler.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: That ought to hold it.
DELANEY: Can I plug her in?
SEAMUS: I’m doing it.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Is it on?
DELANEY: Where does the other end go?
SEAMUS: Put it in her ear.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It goes in the back.
DELANEY: Like this?
SEAMUS: That’s got it.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: The patient is not responding.
DELANEY: Should we cut her open?
SEAMUS: I’ll get the scissors.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Get me three hundred milligrams of morphine.
DELANEY: Have four hundred milligrams.
SEAMUS: Can I try some?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Give me your arm.
DELANEY: Have mine.
SEAMUS: Me first.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Now me.
DELANEY: I think she’s gone.
SEAMUS: I think we’ve lost her.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Are you sure you gave me morphine?
DELANEY: Bleach.
SEAMUS: That can’t be good.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I read about it in a journal.
DELANEY: Can I see?
SEAMUS: It’s probably private.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We have to get her to a hospital.
DELANEY: What hospital?
SEAMUS: The closest hospital is miles from here.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do.
DELANEY: You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
SEAMUS: It must have been something I ate.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We found traces of oxygen in your blood.
DELANEY: You’ve gone very pale.
SEAMUS: Oh, God.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: We’re going to run a few more tests.
DELANEY: Have you got a pen?
SEAMUS: I hate tests.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take a seat and someone will be in to see you.
DELANEY: What seat?
SEAMUS: Any seat.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: I’m going to run off a few tests.
DELANEY: Do you know where the photocopier is?
SEAMUS: Is this seat taken?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Please take your hands off my buttocks.
DELANEY: I don’t know what I was thinking.
SEAMUS: Let me guess.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take two of these before going to bed.
DELANEY: What are they?
SEAMUS: I’m going to bed.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take two of these and see me in the morning.
DELANEY: They’re not what I think they are?
SEAMUS: Do you want a glass of water?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: It’s my opinion that your breath stinks.
DELANEY: They’re breath mints.
SEAMUS: Does my breath stink?
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Have a cigarette.
DELANEY: I quit.
SEAMUS: I’m trying to give up.
THE WITCHDOCTOR: Take a few.
ACT THREE
DELANEY: Did you fart?
SEAMUS: No.
DELANEY: Your breath stinks.
SEAMUS: It must have been something I ate.
DELANEY: It wasn’t something you ate.
SEAMUS: Eat this.
DELANEY: I’ve already eaten.
SEAMUS: What did you have?
DELANEY: I had the veal.
SEAMUS: I had the veal!
DELANEY: Did you just see that?
SEAMUS: See what?
DELANEY: She let out a noise.
SEAMUS: Gas has been known to escape from dead bodies.
DELANEY: What’s your excuse?
SEAMUS: I haven’t finished talking.
DELANEY: What am I saying?
SEAMUS: Will you let me finish?
DELANEY: Can you hurry up?
SEAMUS: What was I saying, again?
DELANEY: Did you just see that?
SEAMUS: Ah, yes.
DELANEY: She’s alive.
SEAMUS: Gas has been known to escape from dead bodies.
DELANEY: She’s not dead.
SEAMUS: I’m speaking.
DELANEY: What are you trying to say?
SEAMUS: If you’ll let me finish, please.
DELANEY: I’m not talking to you.
SEAMUS: As I was saying.
DELANEY: You’ll have to speak up.
SEAMUS: The gas has nowhere to go.
DELANEY: Can you repeat that?
SEAMUS: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
DELANEY: I’m dead?
SEAMUS: Gas has been know to escape from dead bodies.
DELANEY: What does that mean?
SEAMUS: You’re dead.
DELANEY: I’m alive.
SEAMUS: Who said you were dead?
DELANEY: She did.
SEAMUS: She’s dead.
DELANEY: She’s not dead. She just told me.
SEAMUS: What did she say, exactly?
DELANEY: I’m dead.
SEAMUS: She said you’re dead?
DELANEY: I’m dead. I’m dead.
SEAMUS: Let me ask you this.
DELANEY: I’m not dead. I’m alive.
SEAMUS: Did she say anything about me?
DELANEY: She didn’t mention your name.
SEAMUS: I was beginning to think.
DELANEY: Her lips are moving.
SEAMUS: It’s not uncommon to experience some twitching after death.
DELANEY: Her lips are moving.
SEAMUS: It’s been known to happen.
DELANEY: What do you think she’s saying now?
SEAMUS: I’m not a mind-reader.
DELANEY: Can you read lips?
SEAMUS: Read my lips.
DELANEY: I can’t read lips.
SEAMUS: Shut up a second.
DELANEY: What’s she saying?
SEAMUS: I think I hear someone.
DELANEY: It’s her. It’s her.
SEAMUS: I don’t know how to tell you this.
DELANEY: What? What? What?
SEAMUS: I don’t think we’re alone.
DELANEY: I could have told you that.
SEAMUS: Why didn’t you say something?
DELANEY: I did. I did. I did say something.
SEAMUS: I hate to be the one who has to tell you this.
DELANEY: You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.
SEAMUS: I can hear whispering.
DELANEY: Oh, shit.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: Did you not just see that?
SEAMUS: See what?
DELANEY: That.
SEAMUS: It’s not unknown for dead bodies to open their eyes.
DELANEY: She’s staring at me.
SEAMUS: Don’t flatter yourself.
DELANEY: Should I go ever there?
SEAMUS: I think she likes you.
DELANEY: What am I going to say?
SEAMUS: I like what you’re wearing.
DELANEY: Can you come with me?
SEAMUS: Does she have a sister?
DELANEY: A sister? How should I know?
SEAMUS: How am I supposed to know?
DELANEY: I like what you’ve got on.
SEAMUS: What you’re wearing.
DELANEY: I mean, I like what you’re wearing.
SEAMUS: Tell her that you like her hair.
DELANEY: I like your hair.
SEAMUS: You should model.
DELANEY: You should model.
SEAMUS: You have lovely eyes.
DELANEY: Your eyes are lovely.
SEAMUS: Aren’t you going to say anything?
DELANEY: I’m not going to say that.
SEAMUS: Whisper it.
DELANEY: Aren’t you going to say anything?
SEAMUS: What did she say?
DELANEY: You’re dead
SEAMUS: You’re not dead.
DELANEY: Not me.
SEAMUS: She wasn’t talking to me.
DELANEY: You’re dead.
SEAMUS: What were her exact words?
DELANEY: You’re dead.
SEAMUS: She was talking to you.
DELANEY: I’m not dead.
SEAMUS: She didn’t mean that.
DELANEY: What do you mean?
SEAMUS: I mean that’s not what she meant.
DELANEY: If looks could kill.
SEAMUS: I think she blames you.
DELANEY: It wasn’t my idea.
SEAMUS: Try telling her that.
DELANEY: It wasn’t my idea.
SEAMUS: What did she say?
DELANEY: She said she can’t feel her legs.
SEAMUS: Let me have a feel.
DELANEY: I don’t think she likes that.
SEAMUS: I’m not a mind-reader.
DELANEY: What am I thinking!?
SEAMUS: I don’t know.
DELANEY: Dead people don’t have feelings.
SEAMUS: Strange.
DELANEY: What?
SEAMUS: She seems to have some movement in her legs.
DELANEY: You sound shocked.
SEAMUS: She just kneed me in the head.
DELANEY: There’s a lump on your head.
SEAMUS: That’s my nose.
DELANEY: How does it feel?
SEAMUS: See for yourself.
DELANEY: You’ll live.
SEAMUS: She’s regaining full movement in her legs.
DELANEY: Oh, shit.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: She’s coming over here.
SEAMUS: Just be yourself.
DELANEY: What do I say?
SEAMUS: Act naturally.
DELANEY: How’s this?
SEAMUS: Did you just shit yourself?
DELANEY: Isn’t it obvious?
SEAMUS: You’ll have to excuse my friend.
DELANEY: I have to go to the bathroom.
SEAMUS: Excuse me?
DELANEY: I have to go to the bathroom.
SEAMUS: I’m sorry, what did you say?
DELANEY: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.
SEAMUS: Sorry, what?
DELANEY: She just said that she wants to eat my arsehole.
SEAMUS: What kind of foul-mouthed princess are you?
DELANEY: I’ve never heard anything like it.
SEAMUS: Just ignore her.
DELANEY: Did you hear that?
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: She just called me an arsehole.
SEAMUS: Did you just call my friend an arsehole?
DELANEY: Did you just call me an arsehole?
SEAMUS: Who are you calling an arsehole?
DELANEY: Are you calling me an arsehole?
SEAMUS: Don’t you call me an arsehole.
DELANEY: Oh, I’m sorry.
SEAMUS: What for?
DELANEY: I thought you were calling me an arsehole.
SEAMUS: What were you saying?
DELANEY: She still wants to eat my arsehole.
SEAMUS: Is that why she keeps saying it?
DELANEY: Saying what?
SEAMUS: Arsehole.
DELANEY: Wouldn’t you like something else to eat?
SEAMUS: Have we got anything else to eat?
DELANEY: There are some other arseholes over here.
SEAMUS: Other than arseholes.
DELANEY: I thought I told you.
SEAMUS: You can’t eat our arseholes.
DELANEY: Who said anything about your arsehole?
SEAMUS: Would you eat my arsehole?
DELANEY: She never said anything about your arsehole.
SEAMUS: Thank you.
DELANEY: You’ll eat any old arsehole then.
SEAMUS: That doesn’t mean that you can eat my arsehole.
DELANEY: You’re not eating mine either.
SEAMUS: It’s nothing personal.
DELANEY:. You seem like a nice enough person.
SEAMUS: I’m sure you’re a nice enough person
DELANEY: Why don’t I show you some other arseholes?
SEAMUS: How many times do I have to tell you?
DELANEY: I keep telling you.
SEAMUS: You can’t eat my arsehole.
DELANEY: Try one of these arseholes.
SEAMUS: Tell me what you think.
DELANEY: Have you ever eaten a cold arsehole before?
SEAMUS: I can put it in the microwave for you.
DELANEY: It’s not even cold.
SEAMUS: What does it taste like?
DELANEY: What did you say?
SEAMUS: She says it tastes like arsehole.
DELANEY: What does that taste like?
SEAMUS: Aren’t you going to eat the rest?
DELANEY: She’s got that look again.
SEAMUS: I think she wants you.
DELANEY: She’s only interested in one thing.
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: You guessed it.
SEAMUS: I was going to say that.
DELANEY: You’re only interested in one thing.
SEAMUS: I was going to say “arsehole”.
DELANEY: Take your hands off me.
SEAMUS: You heard.
DELANEY: Now you listen to me.
SEAMUS: Look here.
DELANEY: Get your hands off me.
SEAMUS: You heard the man.
DELANEY: That’s a bit rough.
SEAMUS: You heard the lady.
DELANEY: That’s better.
SEAMUS: I’ll let you get on with it then.
DELANEY: It might be an idea.
SEAMUS: Do you mind if I watch?
DELANEY: Take a photo.
SEAMUS: Should I?
DELANEY: It’ll last longer.
SEAMUS: Will it?
DELANEY: What’s your memory like?
SEAMUS: Photographic.
DELANEY: Forget it then.
SEAMUS: Could you hold this?
DELANEY: What is it?
SEAMUS: It’s a recorder.
DELANEY: I didn’t know you played.
SEAMUS: It’s a tape recorder.
DELANEY: What does it do?
SEAMUS: Don’t you remember?
DELANEY: What’s it for?
SEAMUS: It plays tapes.
DELANEY: You mean like this?
SEAMUS: Don’t play with that.
DELANEY: Why not?
SEAMUS: It’s not yours.
DELANEY: What does this button do?
SEAMUS: What does it say?
DELANEY: Pause.
SEAMUS: Don’t push it.
DELANEY: Can you hold this for me?
SEAMUS: Don’t give it to her?
DELANEY: Why?
SEAMUS: She’ll lose it.
DELANEY: She’s not going to lose it.
SEAMUS: Look at her.
DELANEY: I don’t have to listen to this.
SEAMUS: What are you talking about?
DELANEY: You know what I’m talking about.
SEAMUS: I don’t know what to say.
DELANEY: You don’t have to say anything.
SEAMUS: Can you speak up?
DELANEY: Don’t talk to her.
SEAMUS: I didn’t hear what you said.
DELANEY: Don’t talk to her.
SEAMUS: I heard you the first time.
DELANEY: There’s no need to swear.
SEAMUS: What did she say?
DELANEY: She called you an arsehole.
SEAMUS: I thought so.
DELANEY: She didn’t mean anything by it.
SEAMUS: I’m not sure what you mean.
DELANEY: She doesn’t mean to say you are an arsehole.
SEAMUS: She means to say she wants to eat my arsehole?
DELANEY: Something like that.
SEAMUS: What exactly?
DELANEY: Exactly that.
SEAMUS: There’s nothing to eat.
DELANEY: You’ll eat just any old arsehole, won’t you?
SEAMUS: Now you’ve done it.
DELANEY: You don’t even care.
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t.
DELANEY: You disgust me.
SEAMUS: Stop it
DELANEY: You’re choking me.
SEAMUS: Stop that.
DELANEY: Stop biting me.
SEAMUS: That’s. It.
DELANEY: Don’t make me fart.
SEAMUS: Oh, shit.
DELANEY: Oh, fuck.
SEAMUS: You’ve killed her.
DELANEY: I didn’t mean it.
SEAMUS: It doesn’t matter now.
DELANEY: I didn’t mean to kill her.
SEAMUS: Tell me.
DELANEY: It was an accident.
SEAMUS: How did you do it?
DELANEY: I don’t know.
SEAMUS: How did you kill her?
DELANEY: I’m not sure.
SEAMUS: Did you fart?
DELANEY: Are you deaf?
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This is good shit.
END OF IMMATURE CONTENT
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Vyoos
Zoomies
Bloggercises
The Blog of Lists
Newly Old
Money Whither