NormSEAMUS AND DELANEY PART TWO, WITH INTERCHANGEABLE PARTS TWO AND THREE (2010)
SEAMUS, AN INVESTIGATOR
DELANEY, ANOTHER INVESTIGATOR
THE ACTRESS, AN ACTRESS
THE WHITE KING, A WHITE KING
THE CREMATORIUM, A CREMATORIUM
ACT ONE
SEAMUS: Did you hear something?
DELANEY: Now that you mention it.
SEAMUS: I think I heard something.
DELANEY: It sounded like a noise.
SEAMUS: That’s what I thought too.
DELANEY: It came from over there.
SEAMUS: It’s not the princess, is it?
DELANEY: The Princess is dead. She’s dead. All right.
SEAMUS: She’s dead all right.
THE WHITE KING: She’s dead. The Princess is dead.
SEAMUS: Do I know you?
DELANEY: Allow me to introduce myself.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
DELANEY: I think we’ve met once before.
SEAMUS: I would have remembered.
THE WHITE KING: I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.
SEAMUS: I never forget a face.
DELANEY: You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
THE WHITE KING: The Princess is dead. She’s dead.
DELANEY: Would anyone like to say a few words?
SEAMUS: I’d like to say a few words.
THE WHITE KING: Who will be queen now?
SEAMUS: I’d like to say that I had nothing to do with her death.
DELANEY: I’d like to believe that.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t look at me.
DELANEY: I’m not looking at you.
SEAMUS: You have something on your face.
THE WHITE KING: What is it? Get it off! Get it off!
SEAMUS: It looks like an armpit.
DELANEY: It looks a lot like an armpit.
THE WHITE KING: Is it off?
DELANEY: It’s still there.
SEAMUS: It won’t come off.
THE WHITE KING: Let me have a go.
SEAMUS: It’s stuck.
DELANEY: It’s not coming off.
THE WHITE KING: Let it go.
DELANEY: What’s that fucking smell?
SEAMUS: It’s off.
THE WHITE KING: Smells like burning flesh.
SEAMUS: It’s the Princess.
DELANEY: I’d recognise her burning flesh anywhere.
THE WHITE KING: Aren’t we here to remember her?
DELANEY: We remember her.
SEAMUS: Don’t you remember her?
THE WHITE KING: I remember her.
SEAMUS: How do you remember her?
DELANEY: I remember the way she smelled.
THE WHITE KING: I remember.
DELANEY: She smelled like this.
SEAMUS: Did you just fart?
THE WHITE KING: Is that you?
SEAMUS: Allow me to introduce you.
DELANEY: We’ve met.
THE WHITE KING: I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.
DELANEY: We just met.
SEAMUS: I’d like to say a few words.
THE WHITE KING: Allow me to introduce myself.
SEAMUS: I only met the deceased a few times.
DELANEY: What did you have for lunch?
THE WHITE KING: Why’s that?
DELANEY: I had the veal.
SEAMUS: I had the veal.
THE WHITE KING: I had the veal!
SEAMUS: She was taken from us before she was ready.
DELANEY: She wanted to eat my arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: She had it coming.
DELANEY: She asked for it.
SEAMUS: Nobody deserves to die like that.
THE WHITE KING: She was already dead.
SEAMUS: She was already dead.
DELANEY: She would have wanted it that way.
THE WHITE KING: The princess died doing what she loved best.
DELANEY: I remember her last words to me.
SEAMUS: Arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: Did she speak to you too?
SEAMUS: Often.
DELANEY: What did she say to you?
THE WHITE KING: Speak!
DELANEY: She never spoke to you.
SEAMUS: She spoke of a sister.
THE WHITE KING: Does she have a sister?
SEAMUS: She seemed to think so.
DELANEY: She would have said something.
THE WHITE KING: What sister?
DELANEY: She never said anything.
SEAMUS: She said she was a bit of an arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: The Princess really knew her arseholes.
SEAMUS: She knew arseholes, all right.
DELANEY: It’s all she ever talked about.
THE WHITE KING: She never mentioned a sister though.
DELANEY: I could really kill some fucking arsehole.
SEAMUS: Now is not the time.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t look at me.
SEAMUS: You’ll have to excuse my friend.
DELANEY: I’m not feeling myself.
THE WHITE KING: Please don’t touch me.
DELANEY: I wasn’t going to.
SEAMUS: Don’t look at me.
THE WHITE KING: Eat your own arsehole.
SEAMUS: Yeah.
DELANEY: Don’t look at me like that.
THE WHITE KING: Did you just fart?
DELANEY: Tastes all right, doesn’t it.
SEAMUS: It’ll do. For a snack.
THE WHITE KING: I’ve already eaten.
SEAMUS: What did you have?
DELANEY: I had the veal.
THE WHITE KING: I know what you had.
DELANEY: How do you know?
SEAMUS: Isn’t it obvious?
THE WHITE KING: You just farted again.
SEAMUS: Didn’t you?
DELANEY: I don’t hear you complaining.
THE WHITE KING: I’d like to make a complaint.
DELANEY: Shit.
SEAMUS: Here we go.
THE WHITE KING: What kind of arsehole do you take me for?
SEAMUS: What kind of arsehole are you?
DELANEY: Don’t talk to me about food.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
DELANEY: Who are you?
SEAMUS: Have you ever been introduced?
THE WHITE KING: Fuck off.
SEAMUS: Who do you think you are?
DELANEY: I think I know who you are.
THE WHITE KING: Who am I?
DELANEY: I don’t know.
SEAMUS: Some arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: Do you know who you’re talking to?
SEAMUS: I’m investigating a murder.
DELANEY: There’s a homicidal maniac somewhere out there.
THE WHITE KING: Do I look worried?
DELANEY: Have you just had an accident?
SEAMUS: You don’t smell too good.
THE WHITE KING: I may have just shat myself.
SEAMUS: Let’s get you cleaned up.
DELANEY: Would you like to make a statement?
THE WHITE KING: I have nothing to say to you.
DELANEY: Don’t make me laugh.
SEAMUS: What have you got to say for yourself?
THE WHITE KING: I’m shitting in my pants.
SEAMUS: I hope you have a good lawyer.
DELANEY: I hope you have good underwear.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t worry about my underpants.
DELANEY: I can’t help it.
SEAMUS: You should be worried.
THE WHITE KING: I’m shitting myself.
SEAMUS: You make me sick.
DELANEY: I’ll get a bucket.
THE WHITE KING: It’s a bit late for buckets.
DELANEY: I’ll get a straw.
SEAMUS: Don’t make me laugh.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t laugh.
SEAMUS: Don’t you know it’s rude to point!
DELANEY: What happened to your hand?
THE WHITE KING: Nothing. It’s fine.
DELANEY: Where is it?
SEAMUS: You’ve lost it.
THE WHITE KING: Is that so!
SEAMUS: You heard me.
DELANEY: You’re not the only one.
THE WHITE KING: There’s plenty more where that came from.
DELANEY: I don’t know what you’re saying.
SEAMUS: You’re not the only one.
THE WHITE KING: I’m growing a new one.
SEAMUS: Hands don’t grow back.
DELANEY: I don’t get it.
THE WHITE KING: Hands grow on trees.
DELANEY: Since when do hands grow on trees!
SEAMUS: Hands don’t grow on trees.
THE WHITE KING: We’ll see about that.
SEAMUS: Don’t hold your breath.
DELANEY: I just farted.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t smell anything.
DELANEY: Don’t make me do it again.
SEAMUS: What’s stopping you?
THE WHITE KING: I can’t breathe.
SEAMUS: I’ll open a window.
DELANEY: I’ll get a chair.
THE WHITE KING: I need to sit down.
DELANEY: I’ll get the ladder.
SEAMUS: I can reach.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t breathe in here.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a mask.
DELANEY: Use my underpants.
THE WHITE KING: I couldn’t possibly.
DELANEY: I insist.
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t do that if I was you.
THE WHITE KING: It smells like shit.
SEAMUS: I told you so.
DELANEY: Arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: Did you just call me an arsehole?
DELANEY: No.
SEAMUS: Who are you calling an arsehole?
THE WHITE KING: I don’t know who you’re calling an arsehole.
SEAMUS: You’ll have to excuse my friend.
DELANEY: I need to use your bathroom.
THE WHITE KING: Did you just shit your pants, or something?
DELANEY: You don’t scare me.
SEAMUS: Boo!
THE WHITE KING: Fuck!
SEAMUS: Ha-ha.
DELANEY: Don’t do that.
THE WHITE KING: Shit.
DELANEY: You shat yourself.
SEAMUS: Which hand do you wipe your arse with?
THE WHITE KING: The right one.
SEAMUS: Hasn’t anyone ever told you about toilet paper?
DELANEY: I thought I told you.
THE WHITE KING: I prefer to use my hand.
DELANEY: Let me.
SEAMUS: That’s disgusting.
THE WHITE KING: I wouldn’t do that if I was you.
SEAMUS: I can’t look.
DELANEY: Turn around.
THE WHITE KING: Just fuck off.
DELANEY: I’m only trying to help.
SEAMUS: Is it safe for me to look now?
THE WHITE KING: Is it safe?
SEAMUS: Is it safe?
DELANEY: There’s some maniac out there.
THE WHITE KING: It’s not safe out there.
DELANEY: The bodies are piling up.
SEAMUS: I forgot all about it.
THE WHITE KING: Let me remind you.
SEAMUS: Go right ahead.
DELANEY: They’re dropping like flies.
THE WHITE KING: There’s plenty more where that came from.
DELANEY: Hang on a minute.
SEAMUS: People don’t grow on trees.
THE WHITE KING: They do now.
SEAMUS: Hands. Maybe.
DELANEY: People. Nuhuh.
THE WHITE KING: People. Yes.
DELANEY: People don’t grow on trees.
SEAMUS: You fucking fruitcake.
THE WHITE KING: Why don’t you grow a fucking brain?
SEAMUS: Don’t make me laugh.
DELANEY: Who’s laughing?
THE WHITE KING: I’m getting out of here.
DELANEY: Are you having a laugh?
SEAMUS: I’m not laughing.
ACT TWO or possibly THREE
SEAMUS: Look out!
DELANEY: She’s got a whipper-snipper!
THE ACTRESS: Have you got any petrol I can borrow?
SEAMUS: What do you need it for?
DELANEY: Let’s have a look.
THE ACTRESS: I ran out.
SEAMUS: There’s your problem.
DELANEY: You’ve got a hand stuck in here.
THE ACTRESS: Can you get it out for me?
SEAMUS: Who’s hand is this?
DELANEY: Somebody is probably out looking for it.
THE ACTRESS: Not bloody likely.
SEAMUS: I don’t know about that.
DELANEY: How can you be so sure?
THE ACTRESS: That’s got it.
SEAMUS: Watch out with that.
DELANEY: You’re going to take somebody’s head off with that.
THE ACTRESS: Your fly is undone.
SEAMUS: I’m not falling for that one.
DELANEY: Watch out with that.
THE ACTRESS: Your shoelace is undone.
SEAMUS: You nearly got me.
DELANEY: Watch out.
THE ACTRESS: There’s someone behind you.
SEAMUS: There’s nobody there.
DELANEY: You’re going to take somebody’s head off.
THE ACTRESS: There’s a homicidal maniac behind you.
SEAMUS: There’s nobody behind me.
DELANEY: Watch it.
THE ACTRESS: They’re behind you.
SEAMUS: You have the right to remain silent.
DELANEY: Anything you do say could be used against you.
THE ACTRESS: Put a sock in it.
SEAMUS: That shut you up.
DELANEY: I’m not saying a thing.
THE ACTRESS: Put this in your mouth.
SEAMUS: Put your hands behind your back, madam.
DELANEY: Don’t call me that.
THE ACTRESS: You’re kidding, aren’t you!
SEAMUS: You must be gagging.
DELANEY: Don’t touch me.
THE ACTRESS: Stop wriggling.
SEAMUS: Hold still.
DELANEY: Get off.
THE ACTRESS: Your fly’s undone.
SEAMUS: Your fly is undone.
DELANEY: How embarrassing.
THE ACTRESS: Get off.
SEAMUS: I’m off. I’m off.
DELANEY: Get off me.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to kill you.
SEAMUS: What did I do!
DELANEY: I didn’t do anything.
THE ACTRESS: I’m not talking to you.
SEAMUS: I’m not talking to you.
DELANEY: I’m not doing anything.
THE ACTRESS: I’m really going to kill you now.
SEAMUS: Drop the act, sister.
DELANEY: Drop it, dirt-bag.
THE ACTRESS: Who you calling a dirt-bag?
SEAMUS: Drop it, shit-sack.
DELANEY: Just drop it.
THE ACTRESS: I was talking to you.
SEAMUS: Reach for the sky.
DELANEY: Drop it. Dirt. Sack.
THE ACTRESS: I have only come to clean the pool.
SEAMUS: With what?
DELANEY: With that?
THE ACTRESS: I’m sorry if you don’t think it’s appropriate.
SEAMUS: No you’re not.
DELANEY: Try this.
THE ACTRESS: What is this?
SEAMUS: Some kind of knife.
DELANEY: Watch out with that.
THE ACTRESS: What does it do?
SEAMUS: It cuts things.
DELANEY: Be careful with that.
THE ACTRESS: What does this bit do?
SEAMUS: That bit?
DELANEY: That bit stabs.
THE ACTRESS: Nice. Very nice.
SEAMUS: Now. Just watch out with that.
DELANEY: That’s. Sharp.
THE ACTRESS: Yes. It is.
SEAMUS: Watch out.
DELANEY: You’re going to take an eye out with that.
THE ACTRESS: I’m nodding my head.
SEAMUS: I can see that.
DELANEY: I’m counting to ten.
THE ACTRESS: Can I just cut you off there?
SEAMUS: With what?
DELANEY: With my fingers.
THE ACTRESS: Can I just cut in here?
SEAMUS: Fuck off.
DELANEY: You might need something to help you to sleep.
THE ACTRESS: Are you a doctor?
SEAMUS: Fuck. Off.
DELANEY: Does this answer your question?
THE ACTRESS: Where did you get that?
SEAMUS: Oh. Fucking great.
DELANEY: Will you answer my question now?
THE ACTRESS: Sorry, what was the question?
SEAMUS: Right. Don’t. Fucking. Move. Not one. Fucking. Millimetre.
DELANEY: Gun!
THE ACTRESS: What does it do?
SEAMUS: Just you try it.
DELANEY: It shoots things.
THE ACTRESS: Like a camera?
SEAMUS: Can you get one with us together?
DELANEY: Can you not point that thing at my head?
THE ACTRESS: Can you give me a smile?
SEAMUS: I can’t hold it for much longer.
DELANEY: How do you do that?
THE ACTRESS: What are you smiling for!
SEAMUS: I want to try and remember this as a happy occasion.
DELANEY: There’s a fucking maniac out there somewhere.
THE ACTRESS: Shut your eyes.
SEAMUS: I can’t see anything.
DELANEY: Cheese!
THE ACTRESS: Nothing happened.
SEAMUS: I can’t see.
DELANEY: Hand it over.
THE ACTRESS: Nice!
SEAMUS: What is it?
DELANEY: Nice. And slow.
THE ACTRESS: It doesn’t fucking work.
SEAMUS: I’m opening my eyes now.
DELANEY: Down on the ground!
THE ACTRESS: I don’t want to die! I don’t. Want. To. Die. I don’t want to die.
SEAMUS: It’s only a stupid hand gun.
DELANEY: See?
THE ACTRESS: What?
SEAMUS: Look.
DELANEY: See?
THE ACTRESS: It’s only a stupid hand gun!
SEAMUS: You’re not going to die.
DELANEY: Pull my finger. Slowly.
THE ACTRESS: Like this?
SEAMUS: Down. Down on the ground! Down. On the ground.
DELANEY: You’re not dead?
THE ACTRESS: What is that smell?
SEAMUS: Get down. Down on the ground.
DELANEY: I’m going to end this.
THE ACTRESS: What are you doing?
SEAMUS: Down. Down on the ground. Down.
DELANEY: Is there anything that you’d like to say?
THE ACTRESS: Can I hear music?
SEAMUS: What kind of music?
DELANEY: I don’t think so.
THE ACTRESS: Appropriate to the situation.
SEAMUS: Now is not the time.
DELANEY: I want you to count backwards from one hundred.
THE ACTRESS: Can you do that for me?
SEAMUS: Where do I start?
DELANEY: Can you feel this?
THE ACTRESS: Feel what?
SEAMUS: Doesn’t that hurt?
DELANEY: I’m going to ask you a few questions now.
THE ACTRESS: Where is the bathroom?
SEAMUS: Do you know where the kitchen is?
DELANEY: What is your full name?
THE ACTRESS: I’m not going down the sink.
SEAMUS: It’s all just pipes.
DELANEY: I’ll get the plunger.
THE ACTRESS: I’m not shitting in the sink.
SEAMUS: I really need to go.
DELANEY: Do you have any medical conditions I should know about?
THE ACTRESS: Just who do you think you are?
SEAMUS: I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.
DELANEY: We have reason to believe that your life is in danger.
THE ACTRESS: Don’t make me laugh.
SEAMUS: Did you just fart!
DELANEY: I beg your pardon?
THE ACTRESS: Can anyone smell gas?
SEAMUS: What are we having for dinner?
DELANEY: What did we have for lunch?
THE ACTRESS: Can I just say one thing?
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: It’s all coming back to me now.
THE ACTRESS: How would you like it if I stuck this knife up your arse?
SEAMUS: What!
DELANEY: What did you just say?
THE ACTRESS: There’s a psychopath at large.
SEAMUS: Where!
DELANEY: That’s not what you said.
THE ACTRESS: How would you like it?
SEAMUS: I don’t want to die.
DELANEY: Suck it up, princess.
THE ACTRESS: What did you just say?
SEAMUS: What did you just call me?
DELANEY: How would you like it if I stuck this knife up your arse?
THE ACTRESS: Give it here.
SEAMUS: I’m beginning to think you might be some kind of maniac.
DELANEY: I was only asking.
THE ACTRESS: Have you got a sharpener I can borrow?
SEAMUS: Stick it up your arse.
DELANEY: Be careful with that.
THE ACTRESS: For some unexplained reason, I’m trying to kill you.
SEAMUS: I’m well aware of what you’re trying to do.
DELANEY: I’m putting this somewhere you won’t be able to reach it.
THE ACTRESS: Can I make a suggestion?
SEAMUS: Stick it up your arse.
DELANEY: Can you just stop interrupting me!
THE ACTRESS: You don’t want to get on my bad side.
SEAMUS: What is it you’re trying to say?
DELANEY: I think we can eliminate you as a suspect.
THE ACTRESS: Do you mind if I tape your mouth?
SEAMUS: Is that some kind of joke?
DELANEY: If it is, I’m not laughing.
THE ACTRESS: Can I just put these undies in your mouth for a second?
SEAMUS: Where did you get those?
DELANEY: Tastes a bit funny.
THE ACTRESS: Sorry. What?
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t eat that if I was you.
DELANEY: It’s a bit late.
THE ACTRESS: Is there any way I can get you to shut up?
SEAMUS: Do you mind if I record this conversation?
DELANEY: For what purpose?
THE ACTRESS: Put your hands together for me, please.
SEAMUS: Let me be the first to congratulate you.
DELANEY: It was nothing really.
THE ACTRESS: Let’s see you get out of this one.
SEAMUS: What was I going to say?
DELANEY: Just shut you eyes for a minute.
THE ACTRESS: How long has it been?
SEAMUS: Do I know you?
DELANEY: What role did you play in this murder?
THE ACTRESS: Murder?
SEAMUS: I thought I recognised you.
DELANEY: There’s been a homicide.
THE ACTRESS: Homicide?
SEAMUS: Don’t play dumb with me.
DELANEY: How would you describe your relationship to the victim?
THE ACTRESS: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SEAMUS: Don’t make me get rough with you.
DELANEY: Will these photographs help?
THE ACTRESS: I don’t anything about any photographs.
SEAMUS: Can I waste this arsehole?
DELANEY: I thought you’d never ask.
THE ACTRESS: Are calling me an arsehole?
SEAMUS: Doughnut?
DELANEY: Arsehole.
THE ACTRESS: I couldn’t possibly.
ACT THREE or possibly TWO
DELANEY: Don’t laugh.
SEAMUS: Who’s laughing?
THE WHITE KING: Who is that?
THE ACTRESS: It’s only me.
DELANEY: Who the fuck are you?
SEAMUS: Yes. Who the fuck are you?
THE WHITE KING: You’ll have to excuse me.
THE ACTRESS: You might have heard of me.
DELANEY: Where do you think you’re going?
SEAMUS: You’re not going anywhere.
THE WHITE KING: I don’t know about that.
THE ACTRESS: You might have seen my face before.
DELANEY: I never forget a face.
SEAMUS: Who are you?
THE WHITE KING: Who do you think?
THE ACTRESS: Have a stab in the dark.
DELANEY: You can’t get me that easily.
SEAMUS: You have to blow his head off.
THE WHITE KING: I’ll get my elephant gun.
THE ACTRESS: That should do it.
DELANEY: I’ve lost all feeling in my mind.
SEAMUS: It’s funny you should say that.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t seem to find it.
THE ACTRESS: Have you looked in your hands?
DELANEY: I’ve got a question for you.
SEAMUS: Shoot.
THE WHITE KING: How does it work?
THE ACTRESS: Let me show you.
DELANEY: Would you mind not pointing that thing at me?
SEAMUS: Is it loaded?
THE WHITE KING: I can’t see anything.
THE ACTRESS: I wouldn’t look down the barrel if I was you.
DELANEY: You’re going to take somebody’s head off with that thing.
SEAMUS: Now you’re talking.
THE WHITE KING: What are you saying?
THE ACTRESS: I’m not you.
DELANEY: Don’t you know it’s rude to point a gun at somebody?
SEAMUS: Point it higher.
THE WHITE KING: You want me to blow your head clean off?
THE ACTRESS: Go ahead.
DELANEY: It’s the only way.
SEAMUS: It’s the only way to be sure.
THE WHITE KING: That was lucky.
THE ACTRESS: Fucking hell.
DELANEY: You missed me.
SEAMUS: You got me.
THE WHITE KING: It’s not loaded.
THE ACTRESS: That’s funny.
DELANEY: That doesn’t explain this hole in my head.
SEAMUS: That’s your fucking mouth.
THE WHITE KING: I thought as much.
THE ACTRESS: I could have fucking sworn it was.
DELANEY: I wonder if I could eat my own fist.
SEAMUS: Try mine.
THE WHITE KING: Did that hurt?
THE ACTRESS: What does is taste like?
DELANEY: Do you want a knuckle sandwich?
SEAMUS: Don’t you touch her.
THE WHITE KING: I’ll blow your head clean off.
THE ACTRESS: I need to get a pen.
DELANEY: There’s nothing to see here.
SEAMUS: I’ve got a pen you can have.
THE WHITE KING: Can you reach it?
THE ACTRESS: It looks like the pen I lost.
DELANEY: What’s it doing in your back?
SEAMUS: How did that get there?
THE WHITE KING: What does it feel like to have a pen stuck in your back?
THE ACTRESS: I’ll show you what it’s like.
DELANEY: What are trying to do?
SEAMUS: You bloody maniac.
THE WHITE KING: Stay away from me.
THE ACTRESS: Have you got any poison I can borrow?
DELANEY: Is rat poison any good?
SEAMUS: Got anything stronger.
THE WHITE KING: I need a drink.
THE ACTRESS: Let me get that for you.
DELANEY: This tastes funny.
SEAMUS: I’m not drinking that.
THE WHITE KING: What did you put in this?
THE ACTRESS: It will help you to sleep.
DELANEY: I can’t sleep.
SEAMUS: Have you got anything for a headache?
THE WHITE KING: This will give you a headache.
THE ACTRESS: Try it with bullets.
DELANEY: Watch out with that
SEAMUS: Are you trying to kill me?
THE WHITE KING: What does it look like?
THE ACTRESS: It looks like we’re out of bullets.
DELANEY: Try these pellets.
SEAMUS: Where did you get those?
THE WHITE KING: You. Dirty. Rat.
THE ACTRESS: It’s an elephant gun.
DELANEY: Eat it.
SEAMUS: God. Please. No.
THE WHITE KING: Say your prayers.
THE ACTRESS: I think it might be jammed.
DELANEY: Eat it.
SEAMUS: I’m not eating it.
THE WHITE KING: Just try one.
THE ACTRESS: I’m about to stab you in the head with this pen.
DELANEY: I fucking dare you to do it.
SEAMUS: I’m scratching my head.
THE WHITE KING: Now what are you doing!
THE ACTRESS: I’m thinking.
DELANEY: How do you do that?
SEAMUS: I’m thinking.
THE WHITE KING: What are you thinking about?
THE ACTRESS: What am I going to do with your body?
DELANEY: I’ve got it covered.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a thing for digging.
THE WHITE KING: I’ve got a spade somewhere.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to fucking bury you.
DELANEY: I’ll get the dirt.
SEAMUS: I’m going to start digging right now.
THE WHITE KING: Not. So. Fast.
THE ACTRESS: I thought I told you to shut up!
DELANEY: How’s that hole coming along?
SEAMUS: I beg your pardon!
THE WHITE KING: Are you telling me to shut up!
THE ACTRESS: I thought I told you.
DELANEY: How big is your hole!
SEAMUS: There’s plenty of space in here.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
THE ACTRESS: Do you think you could fit your whole hand in your mouth?
DELANEY: That ought to shut you up for a while.
SEAMUS: I can’t hear you!
THE WHITE KING: I don’t think we’ve ever met.
THE ACTRESS: I’m not shaking your hand.
DELANEY: You never know where it might have been.
SEAMUS: I heard that!
THE WHITE KING: Nobody’s talking to you!
THE ACTRESS: Please put your hands together for me.
DELANEY: I’ll get the rope.
SEAMUS: What are you talking about?
THE WHITE KING: Was it something I said?
THE ACTRESS: Put your hands together.
DELANEY: What am I thinking!
SEAMUS: I’m not a mind-reader.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
THE ACTRESS: Don’t make this harder than it already is.
DELANEY: I’ve got a pair of handcuffs in my undies.
SEAMUS: You don’t wear underpants.
THE WHITE KING: I’m not putting my hands together for you.
THE ACTRESS: Say your prayers, motherfucker.
DELANEY: What made me think I had undies on?
SEAMUS: Who’s a motherfucker?
THE WHITE KING: Oh. Bravo.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to put you in a wheelchair.
DELANEY: Let me get that for you.
SEAMUS: Where did that come from?
THE WHITE KING: Don’t fucking push me.
THE ACTRESS: I’m only trying to help.
DELANEY: Stop acting like a fucking maniac.
SEAMUS: You’re not. Are you?
THE WHITE KING: You’re a fucking maniac.
THE ACTRESS: As if I am!
DELANEY: I heard you.
SEAMUS: There’s no need to shout.
THE WHITE KING: Stop pushing me around.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to kill you.
DELANEY: Did you hear that!
SEAMUS: I fucking heard that!
THE WHITE KING: What did you just say?
THE ACTRESS: I think I said that I was going to kill you.
DELANEY: I’m taking you in for questioning.
SEAMUS: Can I ask a question?
THE WHITE KING: What is it?
THE ACTRESS: How do you feel about needles?
DELANEY: I hate needles.
SEAMUS: I like noodles!
THE WHITE KING: What’s in this?
THE ACTRESS: It’s just a bit of stuff.
DELANEY: I have reason to believe this will enhance your performance.
SEAMUS: Can anyone hear me?
THE WHITE KING: Why do you look so serious suddenly?
THE ACTRESS: Eat this.
DELANEY: I’m not eating that.
SEAMUS: I’ll eat it.
THE WHITE KING: I think I need to sit down.
THE ACTRESS: Eat it.
DELANEY: What’s in it?
SEAMUS: I’ll eat it!
THE WHITE KING: What am I saying?
THE ACTRESS: I need to take a shit.
DELANEY: I have to sit down for this
SEAMUS: I’ll eat it.
THE WHITE KING: I am sitting.
THE ACTRESS: Eat shit!
DELANEY: Are you quite finished!
SEAMUS: What was that for!
THE WHITE KING: My legs!
THE ACTRESS: Can you walk?
DELANEY: What do you call this?
SEAMUS: I’m getting out of here.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t feel my legs.
THE ACTRESS: Do you call that walking!
DELANEY: I’d call it a bit of a hole.
SEAMUS: I’m glad you like it.
THE WHITE KING: Can you explain yourself?
THE ACTRESS: Aren’t you dead yet?
DELANEY: What’s that shit in your hair?
SEAMUS: I have a note from my mum.
THE WHITE KING: It looks like a child wrote this.
THE ACTRESS: You should be dead by now.
DELANEY: It looks like somebody shat on your head.
SEAMUS: I don’t know what you mean.
THE WHITE KING: Can you read what this says?
THE ACTRESS: Why don’t you just die!
DELANEY: It’s a load of shit.
SEAMUS: Who asked you, anyway?
THE WHITE KING: Who wrote this?
THE ACTRESS: Open your mouth for me.
DELANEY: I’m not falling for that one.
SEAMUS: I’ll do it!
THE WHITE KING: What are you feeding me?
THE ACTRESS: Don’t you know rat pellets when you see them?
DELANEY: Now, what am I going to have for dinner!
SEAMUS: Here comes the aeroplane.
THE WHITE KING: My ticket out of here!
THE ACTRESS: Have another mouthful.
DELANEY: Something will turn up.
SEAMUS: Do you think they saw us?
THE WHITE KING: I’ve had enough of this.
THE ACTRESS: One more mouthful.
DELANEY: Can you do something for me?
SEAMUS: This should help to explain things.
THE WHITE KING: Not this again!
THE ACTRESS: What does it say?
DELANEY: Tell me what this says.
SEAMUS: What’s it say?
THE WHITE KING: I don’t know how to say this.
THE ACTRESS: Is that all you can say?
DELANEY: Read it.
SEAMUS: Can I just say something?
THE WHITE KING: I can’t read this.
THE ACTRESS: Allow me.
DELANEY: It’s not for you.
SEAMUS: What’s it say?
THE WHITE KING: How can I say this?
THE ACTRESS: You have it upside-down.
DELANEY: What does it say then?
SEAMUS: Something tells me you just farted again.
THE WHITE KING: Oh. I die.
DELANEY, ANOTHER INVESTIGATOR
THE ACTRESS, AN ACTRESS
THE WHITE KING, A WHITE KING
THE CREMATORIUM, A CREMATORIUM
ACT ONE
SEAMUS: Did you hear something?
DELANEY: Now that you mention it.
SEAMUS: I think I heard something.
DELANEY: It sounded like a noise.
SEAMUS: That’s what I thought too.
DELANEY: It came from over there.
SEAMUS: It’s not the princess, is it?
DELANEY: The Princess is dead. She’s dead. All right.
SEAMUS: She’s dead all right.
THE WHITE KING: She’s dead. The Princess is dead.
SEAMUS: Do I know you?
DELANEY: Allow me to introduce myself.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
DELANEY: I think we’ve met once before.
SEAMUS: I would have remembered.
THE WHITE KING: I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.
SEAMUS: I never forget a face.
DELANEY: You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
THE WHITE KING: The Princess is dead. She’s dead.
DELANEY: Would anyone like to say a few words?
SEAMUS: I’d like to say a few words.
THE WHITE KING: Who will be queen now?
SEAMUS: I’d like to say that I had nothing to do with her death.
DELANEY: I’d like to believe that.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t look at me.
DELANEY: I’m not looking at you.
SEAMUS: You have something on your face.
THE WHITE KING: What is it? Get it off! Get it off!
SEAMUS: It looks like an armpit.
DELANEY: It looks a lot like an armpit.
THE WHITE KING: Is it off?
DELANEY: It’s still there.
SEAMUS: It won’t come off.
THE WHITE KING: Let me have a go.
SEAMUS: It’s stuck.
DELANEY: It’s not coming off.
THE WHITE KING: Let it go.
DELANEY: What’s that fucking smell?
SEAMUS: It’s off.
THE WHITE KING: Smells like burning flesh.
SEAMUS: It’s the Princess.
DELANEY: I’d recognise her burning flesh anywhere.
THE WHITE KING: Aren’t we here to remember her?
DELANEY: We remember her.
SEAMUS: Don’t you remember her?
THE WHITE KING: I remember her.
SEAMUS: How do you remember her?
DELANEY: I remember the way she smelled.
THE WHITE KING: I remember.
DELANEY: She smelled like this.
SEAMUS: Did you just fart?
THE WHITE KING: Is that you?
SEAMUS: Allow me to introduce you.
DELANEY: We’ve met.
THE WHITE KING: I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.
DELANEY: We just met.
SEAMUS: I’d like to say a few words.
THE WHITE KING: Allow me to introduce myself.
SEAMUS: I only met the deceased a few times.
DELANEY: What did you have for lunch?
THE WHITE KING: Why’s that?
DELANEY: I had the veal.
SEAMUS: I had the veal.
THE WHITE KING: I had the veal!
SEAMUS: She was taken from us before she was ready.
DELANEY: She wanted to eat my arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: She had it coming.
DELANEY: She asked for it.
SEAMUS: Nobody deserves to die like that.
THE WHITE KING: She was already dead.
SEAMUS: She was already dead.
DELANEY: She would have wanted it that way.
THE WHITE KING: The princess died doing what she loved best.
DELANEY: I remember her last words to me.
SEAMUS: Arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: Did she speak to you too?
SEAMUS: Often.
DELANEY: What did she say to you?
THE WHITE KING: Speak!
DELANEY: She never spoke to you.
SEAMUS: She spoke of a sister.
THE WHITE KING: Does she have a sister?
SEAMUS: She seemed to think so.
DELANEY: She would have said something.
THE WHITE KING: What sister?
DELANEY: She never said anything.
SEAMUS: She said she was a bit of an arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: The Princess really knew her arseholes.
SEAMUS: She knew arseholes, all right.
DELANEY: It’s all she ever talked about.
THE WHITE KING: She never mentioned a sister though.
DELANEY: I could really kill some fucking arsehole.
SEAMUS: Now is not the time.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t look at me.
SEAMUS: You’ll have to excuse my friend.
DELANEY: I’m not feeling myself.
THE WHITE KING: Please don’t touch me.
DELANEY: I wasn’t going to.
SEAMUS: Don’t look at me.
THE WHITE KING: Eat your own arsehole.
SEAMUS: Yeah.
DELANEY: Don’t look at me like that.
THE WHITE KING: Did you just fart?
DELANEY: Tastes all right, doesn’t it.
SEAMUS: It’ll do. For a snack.
THE WHITE KING: I’ve already eaten.
SEAMUS: What did you have?
DELANEY: I had the veal.
THE WHITE KING: I know what you had.
DELANEY: How do you know?
SEAMUS: Isn’t it obvious?
THE WHITE KING: You just farted again.
SEAMUS: Didn’t you?
DELANEY: I don’t hear you complaining.
THE WHITE KING: I’d like to make a complaint.
DELANEY: Shit.
SEAMUS: Here we go.
THE WHITE KING: What kind of arsehole do you take me for?
SEAMUS: What kind of arsehole are you?
DELANEY: Don’t talk to me about food.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
DELANEY: Who are you?
SEAMUS: Have you ever been introduced?
THE WHITE KING: Fuck off.
SEAMUS: Who do you think you are?
DELANEY: I think I know who you are.
THE WHITE KING: Who am I?
DELANEY: I don’t know.
SEAMUS: Some arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: Do you know who you’re talking to?
SEAMUS: I’m investigating a murder.
DELANEY: There’s a homicidal maniac somewhere out there.
THE WHITE KING: Do I look worried?
DELANEY: Have you just had an accident?
SEAMUS: You don’t smell too good.
THE WHITE KING: I may have just shat myself.
SEAMUS: Let’s get you cleaned up.
DELANEY: Would you like to make a statement?
THE WHITE KING: I have nothing to say to you.
DELANEY: Don’t make me laugh.
SEAMUS: What have you got to say for yourself?
THE WHITE KING: I’m shitting in my pants.
SEAMUS: I hope you have a good lawyer.
DELANEY: I hope you have good underwear.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t worry about my underpants.
DELANEY: I can’t help it.
SEAMUS: You should be worried.
THE WHITE KING: I’m shitting myself.
SEAMUS: You make me sick.
DELANEY: I’ll get a bucket.
THE WHITE KING: It’s a bit late for buckets.
DELANEY: I’ll get a straw.
SEAMUS: Don’t make me laugh.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t laugh.
SEAMUS: Don’t you know it’s rude to point!
DELANEY: What happened to your hand?
THE WHITE KING: Nothing. It’s fine.
DELANEY: Where is it?
SEAMUS: You’ve lost it.
THE WHITE KING: Is that so!
SEAMUS: You heard me.
DELANEY: You’re not the only one.
THE WHITE KING: There’s plenty more where that came from.
DELANEY: I don’t know what you’re saying.
SEAMUS: You’re not the only one.
THE WHITE KING: I’m growing a new one.
SEAMUS: Hands don’t grow back.
DELANEY: I don’t get it.
THE WHITE KING: Hands grow on trees.
DELANEY: Since when do hands grow on trees!
SEAMUS: Hands don’t grow on trees.
THE WHITE KING: We’ll see about that.
SEAMUS: Don’t hold your breath.
DELANEY: I just farted.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t smell anything.
DELANEY: Don’t make me do it again.
SEAMUS: What’s stopping you?
THE WHITE KING: I can’t breathe.
SEAMUS: I’ll open a window.
DELANEY: I’ll get a chair.
THE WHITE KING: I need to sit down.
DELANEY: I’ll get the ladder.
SEAMUS: I can reach.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t breathe in here.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a mask.
DELANEY: Use my underpants.
THE WHITE KING: I couldn’t possibly.
DELANEY: I insist.
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t do that if I was you.
THE WHITE KING: It smells like shit.
SEAMUS: I told you so.
DELANEY: Arsehole.
THE WHITE KING: Did you just call me an arsehole?
DELANEY: No.
SEAMUS: Who are you calling an arsehole?
THE WHITE KING: I don’t know who you’re calling an arsehole.
SEAMUS: You’ll have to excuse my friend.
DELANEY: I need to use your bathroom.
THE WHITE KING: Did you just shit your pants, or something?
DELANEY: You don’t scare me.
SEAMUS: Boo!
THE WHITE KING: Fuck!
SEAMUS: Ha-ha.
DELANEY: Don’t do that.
THE WHITE KING: Shit.
DELANEY: You shat yourself.
SEAMUS: Which hand do you wipe your arse with?
THE WHITE KING: The right one.
SEAMUS: Hasn’t anyone ever told you about toilet paper?
DELANEY: I thought I told you.
THE WHITE KING: I prefer to use my hand.
DELANEY: Let me.
SEAMUS: That’s disgusting.
THE WHITE KING: I wouldn’t do that if I was you.
SEAMUS: I can’t look.
DELANEY: Turn around.
THE WHITE KING: Just fuck off.
DELANEY: I’m only trying to help.
SEAMUS: Is it safe for me to look now?
THE WHITE KING: Is it safe?
SEAMUS: Is it safe?
DELANEY: There’s some maniac out there.
THE WHITE KING: It’s not safe out there.
DELANEY: The bodies are piling up.
SEAMUS: I forgot all about it.
THE WHITE KING: Let me remind you.
SEAMUS: Go right ahead.
DELANEY: They’re dropping like flies.
THE WHITE KING: There’s plenty more where that came from.
DELANEY: Hang on a minute.
SEAMUS: People don’t grow on trees.
THE WHITE KING: They do now.
SEAMUS: Hands. Maybe.
DELANEY: People. Nuhuh.
THE WHITE KING: People. Yes.
DELANEY: People don’t grow on trees.
SEAMUS: You fucking fruitcake.
THE WHITE KING: Why don’t you grow a fucking brain?
SEAMUS: Don’t make me laugh.
DELANEY: Who’s laughing?
THE WHITE KING: I’m getting out of here.
DELANEY: Are you having a laugh?
SEAMUS: I’m not laughing.
ACT TWO or possibly THREE
SEAMUS: Look out!
DELANEY: She’s got a whipper-snipper!
THE ACTRESS: Have you got any petrol I can borrow?
SEAMUS: What do you need it for?
DELANEY: Let’s have a look.
THE ACTRESS: I ran out.
SEAMUS: There’s your problem.
DELANEY: You’ve got a hand stuck in here.
THE ACTRESS: Can you get it out for me?
SEAMUS: Who’s hand is this?
DELANEY: Somebody is probably out looking for it.
THE ACTRESS: Not bloody likely.
SEAMUS: I don’t know about that.
DELANEY: How can you be so sure?
THE ACTRESS: That’s got it.
SEAMUS: Watch out with that.
DELANEY: You’re going to take somebody’s head off with that.
THE ACTRESS: Your fly is undone.
SEAMUS: I’m not falling for that one.
DELANEY: Watch out with that.
THE ACTRESS: Your shoelace is undone.
SEAMUS: You nearly got me.
DELANEY: Watch out.
THE ACTRESS: There’s someone behind you.
SEAMUS: There’s nobody there.
DELANEY: You’re going to take somebody’s head off.
THE ACTRESS: There’s a homicidal maniac behind you.
SEAMUS: There’s nobody behind me.
DELANEY: Watch it.
THE ACTRESS: They’re behind you.
SEAMUS: You have the right to remain silent.
DELANEY: Anything you do say could be used against you.
THE ACTRESS: Put a sock in it.
SEAMUS: That shut you up.
DELANEY: I’m not saying a thing.
THE ACTRESS: Put this in your mouth.
SEAMUS: Put your hands behind your back, madam.
DELANEY: Don’t call me that.
THE ACTRESS: You’re kidding, aren’t you!
SEAMUS: You must be gagging.
DELANEY: Don’t touch me.
THE ACTRESS: Stop wriggling.
SEAMUS: Hold still.
DELANEY: Get off.
THE ACTRESS: Your fly’s undone.
SEAMUS: Your fly is undone.
DELANEY: How embarrassing.
THE ACTRESS: Get off.
SEAMUS: I’m off. I’m off.
DELANEY: Get off me.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to kill you.
SEAMUS: What did I do!
DELANEY: I didn’t do anything.
THE ACTRESS: I’m not talking to you.
SEAMUS: I’m not talking to you.
DELANEY: I’m not doing anything.
THE ACTRESS: I’m really going to kill you now.
SEAMUS: Drop the act, sister.
DELANEY: Drop it, dirt-bag.
THE ACTRESS: Who you calling a dirt-bag?
SEAMUS: Drop it, shit-sack.
DELANEY: Just drop it.
THE ACTRESS: I was talking to you.
SEAMUS: Reach for the sky.
DELANEY: Drop it. Dirt. Sack.
THE ACTRESS: I have only come to clean the pool.
SEAMUS: With what?
DELANEY: With that?
THE ACTRESS: I’m sorry if you don’t think it’s appropriate.
SEAMUS: No you’re not.
DELANEY: Try this.
THE ACTRESS: What is this?
SEAMUS: Some kind of knife.
DELANEY: Watch out with that.
THE ACTRESS: What does it do?
SEAMUS: It cuts things.
DELANEY: Be careful with that.
THE ACTRESS: What does this bit do?
SEAMUS: That bit?
DELANEY: That bit stabs.
THE ACTRESS: Nice. Very nice.
SEAMUS: Now. Just watch out with that.
DELANEY: That’s. Sharp.
THE ACTRESS: Yes. It is.
SEAMUS: Watch out.
DELANEY: You’re going to take an eye out with that.
THE ACTRESS: I’m nodding my head.
SEAMUS: I can see that.
DELANEY: I’m counting to ten.
THE ACTRESS: Can I just cut you off there?
SEAMUS: With what?
DELANEY: With my fingers.
THE ACTRESS: Can I just cut in here?
SEAMUS: Fuck off.
DELANEY: You might need something to help you to sleep.
THE ACTRESS: Are you a doctor?
SEAMUS: Fuck. Off.
DELANEY: Does this answer your question?
THE ACTRESS: Where did you get that?
SEAMUS: Oh. Fucking great.
DELANEY: Will you answer my question now?
THE ACTRESS: Sorry, what was the question?
SEAMUS: Right. Don’t. Fucking. Move. Not one. Fucking. Millimetre.
DELANEY: Gun!
THE ACTRESS: What does it do?
SEAMUS: Just you try it.
DELANEY: It shoots things.
THE ACTRESS: Like a camera?
SEAMUS: Can you get one with us together?
DELANEY: Can you not point that thing at my head?
THE ACTRESS: Can you give me a smile?
SEAMUS: I can’t hold it for much longer.
DELANEY: How do you do that?
THE ACTRESS: What are you smiling for!
SEAMUS: I want to try and remember this as a happy occasion.
DELANEY: There’s a fucking maniac out there somewhere.
THE ACTRESS: Shut your eyes.
SEAMUS: I can’t see anything.
DELANEY: Cheese!
THE ACTRESS: Nothing happened.
SEAMUS: I can’t see.
DELANEY: Hand it over.
THE ACTRESS: Nice!
SEAMUS: What is it?
DELANEY: Nice. And slow.
THE ACTRESS: It doesn’t fucking work.
SEAMUS: I’m opening my eyes now.
DELANEY: Down on the ground!
THE ACTRESS: I don’t want to die! I don’t. Want. To. Die. I don’t want to die.
SEAMUS: It’s only a stupid hand gun.
DELANEY: See?
THE ACTRESS: What?
SEAMUS: Look.
DELANEY: See?
THE ACTRESS: It’s only a stupid hand gun!
SEAMUS: You’re not going to die.
DELANEY: Pull my finger. Slowly.
THE ACTRESS: Like this?
SEAMUS: Down. Down on the ground! Down. On the ground.
DELANEY: You’re not dead?
THE ACTRESS: What is that smell?
SEAMUS: Get down. Down on the ground.
DELANEY: I’m going to end this.
THE ACTRESS: What are you doing?
SEAMUS: Down. Down on the ground. Down.
DELANEY: Is there anything that you’d like to say?
THE ACTRESS: Can I hear music?
SEAMUS: What kind of music?
DELANEY: I don’t think so.
THE ACTRESS: Appropriate to the situation.
SEAMUS: Now is not the time.
DELANEY: I want you to count backwards from one hundred.
THE ACTRESS: Can you do that for me?
SEAMUS: Where do I start?
DELANEY: Can you feel this?
THE ACTRESS: Feel what?
SEAMUS: Doesn’t that hurt?
DELANEY: I’m going to ask you a few questions now.
THE ACTRESS: Where is the bathroom?
SEAMUS: Do you know where the kitchen is?
DELANEY: What is your full name?
THE ACTRESS: I’m not going down the sink.
SEAMUS: It’s all just pipes.
DELANEY: I’ll get the plunger.
THE ACTRESS: I’m not shitting in the sink.
SEAMUS: I really need to go.
DELANEY: Do you have any medical conditions I should know about?
THE ACTRESS: Just who do you think you are?
SEAMUS: I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.
DELANEY: We have reason to believe that your life is in danger.
THE ACTRESS: Don’t make me laugh.
SEAMUS: Did you just fart!
DELANEY: I beg your pardon?
THE ACTRESS: Can anyone smell gas?
SEAMUS: What are we having for dinner?
DELANEY: What did we have for lunch?
THE ACTRESS: Can I just say one thing?
SEAMUS: What?
DELANEY: It’s all coming back to me now.
THE ACTRESS: How would you like it if I stuck this knife up your arse?
SEAMUS: What!
DELANEY: What did you just say?
THE ACTRESS: There’s a psychopath at large.
SEAMUS: Where!
DELANEY: That’s not what you said.
THE ACTRESS: How would you like it?
SEAMUS: I don’t want to die.
DELANEY: Suck it up, princess.
THE ACTRESS: What did you just say?
SEAMUS: What did you just call me?
DELANEY: How would you like it if I stuck this knife up your arse?
THE ACTRESS: Give it here.
SEAMUS: I’m beginning to think you might be some kind of maniac.
DELANEY: I was only asking.
THE ACTRESS: Have you got a sharpener I can borrow?
SEAMUS: Stick it up your arse.
DELANEY: Be careful with that.
THE ACTRESS: For some unexplained reason, I’m trying to kill you.
SEAMUS: I’m well aware of what you’re trying to do.
DELANEY: I’m putting this somewhere you won’t be able to reach it.
THE ACTRESS: Can I make a suggestion?
SEAMUS: Stick it up your arse.
DELANEY: Can you just stop interrupting me!
THE ACTRESS: You don’t want to get on my bad side.
SEAMUS: What is it you’re trying to say?
DELANEY: I think we can eliminate you as a suspect.
THE ACTRESS: Do you mind if I tape your mouth?
SEAMUS: Is that some kind of joke?
DELANEY: If it is, I’m not laughing.
THE ACTRESS: Can I just put these undies in your mouth for a second?
SEAMUS: Where did you get those?
DELANEY: Tastes a bit funny.
THE ACTRESS: Sorry. What?
SEAMUS: I wouldn’t eat that if I was you.
DELANEY: It’s a bit late.
THE ACTRESS: Is there any way I can get you to shut up?
SEAMUS: Do you mind if I record this conversation?
DELANEY: For what purpose?
THE ACTRESS: Put your hands together for me, please.
SEAMUS: Let me be the first to congratulate you.
DELANEY: It was nothing really.
THE ACTRESS: Let’s see you get out of this one.
SEAMUS: What was I going to say?
DELANEY: Just shut you eyes for a minute.
THE ACTRESS: How long has it been?
SEAMUS: Do I know you?
DELANEY: What role did you play in this murder?
THE ACTRESS: Murder?
SEAMUS: I thought I recognised you.
DELANEY: There’s been a homicide.
THE ACTRESS: Homicide?
SEAMUS: Don’t play dumb with me.
DELANEY: How would you describe your relationship to the victim?
THE ACTRESS: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SEAMUS: Don’t make me get rough with you.
DELANEY: Will these photographs help?
THE ACTRESS: I don’t anything about any photographs.
SEAMUS: Can I waste this arsehole?
DELANEY: I thought you’d never ask.
THE ACTRESS: Are calling me an arsehole?
SEAMUS: Doughnut?
DELANEY: Arsehole.
THE ACTRESS: I couldn’t possibly.
ACT THREE or possibly TWO
DELANEY: Don’t laugh.
SEAMUS: Who’s laughing?
THE WHITE KING: Who is that?
THE ACTRESS: It’s only me.
DELANEY: Who the fuck are you?
SEAMUS: Yes. Who the fuck are you?
THE WHITE KING: You’ll have to excuse me.
THE ACTRESS: You might have heard of me.
DELANEY: Where do you think you’re going?
SEAMUS: You’re not going anywhere.
THE WHITE KING: I don’t know about that.
THE ACTRESS: You might have seen my face before.
DELANEY: I never forget a face.
SEAMUS: Who are you?
THE WHITE KING: Who do you think?
THE ACTRESS: Have a stab in the dark.
DELANEY: You can’t get me that easily.
SEAMUS: You have to blow his head off.
THE WHITE KING: I’ll get my elephant gun.
THE ACTRESS: That should do it.
DELANEY: I’ve lost all feeling in my mind.
SEAMUS: It’s funny you should say that.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t seem to find it.
THE ACTRESS: Have you looked in your hands?
DELANEY: I’ve got a question for you.
SEAMUS: Shoot.
THE WHITE KING: How does it work?
THE ACTRESS: Let me show you.
DELANEY: Would you mind not pointing that thing at me?
SEAMUS: Is it loaded?
THE WHITE KING: I can’t see anything.
THE ACTRESS: I wouldn’t look down the barrel if I was you.
DELANEY: You’re going to take somebody’s head off with that thing.
SEAMUS: Now you’re talking.
THE WHITE KING: What are you saying?
THE ACTRESS: I’m not you.
DELANEY: Don’t you know it’s rude to point a gun at somebody?
SEAMUS: Point it higher.
THE WHITE KING: You want me to blow your head clean off?
THE ACTRESS: Go ahead.
DELANEY: It’s the only way.
SEAMUS: It’s the only way to be sure.
THE WHITE KING: That was lucky.
THE ACTRESS: Fucking hell.
DELANEY: You missed me.
SEAMUS: You got me.
THE WHITE KING: It’s not loaded.
THE ACTRESS: That’s funny.
DELANEY: That doesn’t explain this hole in my head.
SEAMUS: That’s your fucking mouth.
THE WHITE KING: I thought as much.
THE ACTRESS: I could have fucking sworn it was.
DELANEY: I wonder if I could eat my own fist.
SEAMUS: Try mine.
THE WHITE KING: Did that hurt?
THE ACTRESS: What does is taste like?
DELANEY: Do you want a knuckle sandwich?
SEAMUS: Don’t you touch her.
THE WHITE KING: I’ll blow your head clean off.
THE ACTRESS: I need to get a pen.
DELANEY: There’s nothing to see here.
SEAMUS: I’ve got a pen you can have.
THE WHITE KING: Can you reach it?
THE ACTRESS: It looks like the pen I lost.
DELANEY: What’s it doing in your back?
SEAMUS: How did that get there?
THE WHITE KING: What does it feel like to have a pen stuck in your back?
THE ACTRESS: I’ll show you what it’s like.
DELANEY: What are trying to do?
SEAMUS: You bloody maniac.
THE WHITE KING: Stay away from me.
THE ACTRESS: Have you got any poison I can borrow?
DELANEY: Is rat poison any good?
SEAMUS: Got anything stronger.
THE WHITE KING: I need a drink.
THE ACTRESS: Let me get that for you.
DELANEY: This tastes funny.
SEAMUS: I’m not drinking that.
THE WHITE KING: What did you put in this?
THE ACTRESS: It will help you to sleep.
DELANEY: I can’t sleep.
SEAMUS: Have you got anything for a headache?
THE WHITE KING: This will give you a headache.
THE ACTRESS: Try it with bullets.
DELANEY: Watch out with that
SEAMUS: Are you trying to kill me?
THE WHITE KING: What does it look like?
THE ACTRESS: It looks like we’re out of bullets.
DELANEY: Try these pellets.
SEAMUS: Where did you get those?
THE WHITE KING: You. Dirty. Rat.
THE ACTRESS: It’s an elephant gun.
DELANEY: Eat it.
SEAMUS: God. Please. No.
THE WHITE KING: Say your prayers.
THE ACTRESS: I think it might be jammed.
DELANEY: Eat it.
SEAMUS: I’m not eating it.
THE WHITE KING: Just try one.
THE ACTRESS: I’m about to stab you in the head with this pen.
DELANEY: I fucking dare you to do it.
SEAMUS: I’m scratching my head.
THE WHITE KING: Now what are you doing!
THE ACTRESS: I’m thinking.
DELANEY: How do you do that?
SEAMUS: I’m thinking.
THE WHITE KING: What are you thinking about?
THE ACTRESS: What am I going to do with your body?
DELANEY: I’ve got it covered.
SEAMUS: I’ll get a thing for digging.
THE WHITE KING: I’ve got a spade somewhere.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to fucking bury you.
DELANEY: I’ll get the dirt.
SEAMUS: I’m going to start digging right now.
THE WHITE KING: Not. So. Fast.
THE ACTRESS: I thought I told you to shut up!
DELANEY: How’s that hole coming along?
SEAMUS: I beg your pardon!
THE WHITE KING: Are you telling me to shut up!
THE ACTRESS: I thought I told you.
DELANEY: How big is your hole!
SEAMUS: There’s plenty of space in here.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
THE ACTRESS: Do you think you could fit your whole hand in your mouth?
DELANEY: That ought to shut you up for a while.
SEAMUS: I can’t hear you!
THE WHITE KING: I don’t think we’ve ever met.
THE ACTRESS: I’m not shaking your hand.
DELANEY: You never know where it might have been.
SEAMUS: I heard that!
THE WHITE KING: Nobody’s talking to you!
THE ACTRESS: Please put your hands together for me.
DELANEY: I’ll get the rope.
SEAMUS: What are you talking about?
THE WHITE KING: Was it something I said?
THE ACTRESS: Put your hands together.
DELANEY: What am I thinking!
SEAMUS: I’m not a mind-reader.
THE WHITE KING: Don’t you know who I am?
THE ACTRESS: Don’t make this harder than it already is.
DELANEY: I’ve got a pair of handcuffs in my undies.
SEAMUS: You don’t wear underpants.
THE WHITE KING: I’m not putting my hands together for you.
THE ACTRESS: Say your prayers, motherfucker.
DELANEY: What made me think I had undies on?
SEAMUS: Who’s a motherfucker?
THE WHITE KING: Oh. Bravo.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to put you in a wheelchair.
DELANEY: Let me get that for you.
SEAMUS: Where did that come from?
THE WHITE KING: Don’t fucking push me.
THE ACTRESS: I’m only trying to help.
DELANEY: Stop acting like a fucking maniac.
SEAMUS: You’re not. Are you?
THE WHITE KING: You’re a fucking maniac.
THE ACTRESS: As if I am!
DELANEY: I heard you.
SEAMUS: There’s no need to shout.
THE WHITE KING: Stop pushing me around.
THE ACTRESS: I’m going to kill you.
DELANEY: Did you hear that!
SEAMUS: I fucking heard that!
THE WHITE KING: What did you just say?
THE ACTRESS: I think I said that I was going to kill you.
DELANEY: I’m taking you in for questioning.
SEAMUS: Can I ask a question?
THE WHITE KING: What is it?
THE ACTRESS: How do you feel about needles?
DELANEY: I hate needles.
SEAMUS: I like noodles!
THE WHITE KING: What’s in this?
THE ACTRESS: It’s just a bit of stuff.
DELANEY: I have reason to believe this will enhance your performance.
SEAMUS: Can anyone hear me?
THE WHITE KING: Why do you look so serious suddenly?
THE ACTRESS: Eat this.
DELANEY: I’m not eating that.
SEAMUS: I’ll eat it.
THE WHITE KING: I think I need to sit down.
THE ACTRESS: Eat it.
DELANEY: What’s in it?
SEAMUS: I’ll eat it!
THE WHITE KING: What am I saying?
THE ACTRESS: I need to take a shit.
DELANEY: I have to sit down for this
SEAMUS: I’ll eat it.
THE WHITE KING: I am sitting.
THE ACTRESS: Eat shit!
DELANEY: Are you quite finished!
SEAMUS: What was that for!
THE WHITE KING: My legs!
THE ACTRESS: Can you walk?
DELANEY: What do you call this?
SEAMUS: I’m getting out of here.
THE WHITE KING: I can’t feel my legs.
THE ACTRESS: Do you call that walking!
DELANEY: I’d call it a bit of a hole.
SEAMUS: I’m glad you like it.
THE WHITE KING: Can you explain yourself?
THE ACTRESS: Aren’t you dead yet?
DELANEY: What’s that shit in your hair?
SEAMUS: I have a note from my mum.
THE WHITE KING: It looks like a child wrote this.
THE ACTRESS: You should be dead by now.
DELANEY: It looks like somebody shat on your head.
SEAMUS: I don’t know what you mean.
THE WHITE KING: Can you read what this says?
THE ACTRESS: Why don’t you just die!
DELANEY: It’s a load of shit.
SEAMUS: Who asked you, anyway?
THE WHITE KING: Who wrote this?
THE ACTRESS: Open your mouth for me.
DELANEY: I’m not falling for that one.
SEAMUS: I’ll do it!
THE WHITE KING: What are you feeding me?
THE ACTRESS: Don’t you know rat pellets when you see them?
DELANEY: Now, what am I going to have for dinner!
SEAMUS: Here comes the aeroplane.
THE WHITE KING: My ticket out of here!
THE ACTRESS: Have another mouthful.
DELANEY: Something will turn up.
SEAMUS: Do you think they saw us?
THE WHITE KING: I’ve had enough of this.
THE ACTRESS: One more mouthful.
DELANEY: Can you do something for me?
SEAMUS: This should help to explain things.
THE WHITE KING: Not this again!
THE ACTRESS: What does it say?
DELANEY: Tell me what this says.
SEAMUS: What’s it say?
THE WHITE KING: I don’t know how to say this.
THE ACTRESS: Is that all you can say?
DELANEY: Read it.
SEAMUS: Can I just say something?
THE WHITE KING: I can’t read this.
THE ACTRESS: Allow me.
DELANEY: It’s not for you.
SEAMUS: What’s it say?
THE WHITE KING: How can I say this?
THE ACTRESS: You have it upside-down.
DELANEY: What does it say then?
SEAMUS: Something tells me you just farted again.
THE WHITE KING: Oh. I die.
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