NormA portrait of the artist as a big fan (14/02/2009-18/02/2011)
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Sir Paul McCartney’s Divorce Court statement.
Heather Mills listens disinterestedly to Sir Paul's statement in court.
Your Honour,
Do you want to know a secret for the benefit of Mr Kite and the other jurors? What was typical of a day in the life of Heather and I, before the end, before her ‘revolution 9 (at last count), before the taxman, when we were in a ‘love me do’ mood? Don’t let me down, Your Honour. Don’t say ‘You can’t do that.’ or act like a Mean Mr Mustard. Hold onto your Maxwell’s silver hammer. You know what to do.
When I belonged to the Lonely Heart’s Club, I used to drive my car eight days a week, any time at all. Sometimes to nowhere, man, or on the long and winding road past the fool on the hill to Penny Lane where there’s a place I pray to Lady Madonna. Sometimes alone. Sometimes with a little help from my friends. It seems like yesterday when I saw her [Heather ] standing there with the local postman, Judas, being chased by a dog until he said, ‘Hey bulldog,’ and it ran off, cocked its leg on some Norwegian wood. Then I saw Heather Jude, come together. He grabbed a handful of her octopus’s garden intent on going the magical mystery tour on her rocky raccoon. He wanted a bit of rock n roll music. I heard her say, ‘Please Mr Postman, leave my kitten alone. Let it be.’ Then ‘Help!’ I got out. I was scared. I felt like I was back in the USSR. I began to shout, “Hey, Jude! I’ll get you!” Jude ran off. Hello, goodbye?
I should have known better than to think, ‘got to get you into my life,’ about Heather. ‘Act naturally or run for your life,’ I said to myself. But a little voice said, ‘She loves you.’ So, I turned to her, and said, ‘I want to tell you I want to hold your hand, I want to be your man’ I said, ‘I’ll give you all my loving and I’ll keep you satisfied. We can work it out when I’m 64.” She said, she said, ‘It won’t be long before you’re 70.’ Her hair was a mess. ‘Lend me your comb,’ she said. So I did. It disappeared in her hair. I said, ‘You’re going to lose that, girl.’ She said, ‘Baby you’re a rich man. One comb won’t matter.’ I should have known then she was a ‘Money. That’s what I want’ type.
A local druggie on LSD known to Heather as Elizabeth-Michelle was crashed out on the pavement. ‘I am the walrus,’ she kept saying. ‘You make me dizzy miss LIzzy-Mitch,” Heather said. Are you on drugs?’ I asked her. ‘I’m only sleeping,’ she said. ‘I’m so tired.’ ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ I said. ‘That’s alright mama,’ Heather said, so I let it be.
A blackbird flew overhead. I looked up. The clouds looked like strawberry fields, forever and ever and ever, making patterns like my ex parachuting girlfriend Lucy in the sky with diamonds on. They began to scatter. ‘Here comes the sun,’ I said. ‘Want to catch the train? I’ve got a ticket to ride the Helter Skelter at Brighton. I’ll buy you a hippy hippy shake or a yellow submarine from the Twist & Shout ice-creamery. ‘Are you asking me if ‘I’ll follow the sun?’ I nodded. ‘Why don’t we do it in the road? Please, please me? There’s no reason you’ve got to hide your love away. Then she undid my zipper and to use a local Liverpudlian expression, came in through the bathroom window, and I got a touch of the cry-baby-cry ‘while my guitar gently weeps in my eyes. It wasn’t even my birthday. All she said was, ‘Happiness is a warm gun, Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, your honour. The end.
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PM Rudd admits colleagues researched Orble posts to formulate 17 page sorry speech.
Heather Mills, the former mistress of Humphrey B Bear and Paul McCartney, with her current partner Star Spangled Scientology Bear.
A spokesperson for the Prime Minster’s research department has admitted that the wording of the Sorry Speech was deemed so critical to the Labour Party’s continuing success that she spent the last week without sleep just going over and over the multitude of Sorry posts on Orble.
“When I was handed the job, I automatically Googled ‘sorry’ and the first 3,000 hits were Orble posts. Most of them began with ‘Sorry I haven’t posted for a while,’ which I found quite strange because no-one I know gives a shit about whether some unknown blogger on some unknown site is away, busy reading and dowloading celebrity gossip, having computer or relationship problems, learning to paint, suffering from writer’s block, PMT, untreated nastiness, or thinks they’re so important that people in the real world would have pined over missing their posts after they’d only been away for six-to-twelve hours.
I’d never even heard of Orble before I Googled ‘sorry’. It’s probably because I’ve never been on Seek to look for an unpaid writing job, although being in politics I’m no stranger to false promises. If it wasn’t for the sincere yet deluded outpouring of self-obsessed, attention-seeking angst, and sanctimonious bigotry and grief, which was deemed the crucial ingredient of the Sorry Apology wording, I’d probably still wish I’d never heard of Orble.
But my God, can Orble bloggers make something out of nothing by considering their own thoughts noteworthy, and present themselves as vehemently sincere on subjects they know or care so little about to the point where they do nothing about their convictions other than write pages and pages of diatribe. It was just what PM Rudd was looking for.”
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Humphrey refuses to say Sorry.
Humphrey and John Howard enjoy a racist joke together.
In a 17 page draft of a formal statement to be issued today by Humphrey's lawyer, Mr Squiggle, Humphrey has refused to say sorry to the indigenous peoples of this land primarily because he can’t speak in order to ‘say’ sorry – he’s a mute tap dancing bear.
In Humphrey’s statement, he states:
‘Today, while the Prime Minister and various other brown-nosers are reflecting on past mistreatment of the indigenous, I will be masticating and salivating on how political arse-licking of an in itself produces brown noses, and the odd brown streak in the underpants of both front and back benchers.
Humphrey's overseas cousin Hugh in a Govt approved prison, the Villawood Zoo.
I will be reflecting in particular on the mistreatment of my brother bears of the rarely publicised or spoken about Stolen Bear Generation, still serving time in zoos all over the country for crimes they never committed, and koalas who have been abused as marketing tools for foreign dignitaries, had their photographs used without permission or royalty payments to aid government policies, and their natural habitats destroyed by the destruction of non-blemished eucalypts, as related in the horrific chapters 5, 13, and 17 of Blinky Bill, to make way for farms populated by foreign sheep (the Stolen White Generation) who are subsequently shipped to the Middle East rather than back to England where they belong, only doubling their Diaspora.
Indira Ghandi stealing a koala from its family with government backing from the Minister for the Environment.
The time has come for a new history book, and to turn the pages in order to read the book, or to scroll down if you purchase an electronic copy. The book I would recommend is a new copy of an old favourite, Blinky Bill, so that all Australians are educated on how to treat domestic bears, by placing them in habitats like human houses, and supplementing the incomes of those 4% who can’t get employment with government handouts, discount taxi fares and handicapped parking permits.
Blinky Bill leaving town after loggers destroyed his home.
Until the government is prepared to say sorry to brown bears and bears of all colours, including those living between the Cape of Carpentaria and Esperance and beyond (even the polar bears who immigrated to the Antarctic), the children, descendants, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles, friends, overseas vistitors, acquaintances & etc, for the profound grief suffering and loss they have inflicted upon us, I for one will not be apologising to my brown human brothers.
A koala protesting outside Canberra earlier today with a stolen aboriginal.
Until the future is one where Parliament recognises the eucalypts belong to us, and they stop cutting them down and turning them into parliamentary wall-cladding, and promise never to do it again, and recognise bears as equal to humans, I will not be going to Canberra today. I will be spending the day with John and Jeanette Howard reading Captain Cook’s journal.’
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Tony Mokbel sues Channel 9 for taking Humphrey B Bear off TV.
Tony Mokbel in prison (left) and Tony Mokbel in disguise before he was captured (right).
Alleged Melbourne underworld drug lord, alleged murderer, known fugitive, and self-confessed Humphrey B Bear fan, Tony Mokbel, the man of many bad hair days, is suing channel 9 for millions of dollars in compensation over the emotional stress he suffered in prison after they took his favourite TV character's program off Greek television. "If Humphrey isn't put back on TV in Greece, I want to be extradited back to Australia immediately."
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Rare brown dolphin not brown after all.
Greenpeace activists washing and recycling their children's disposable nappies.
Photographic images of a rare brown dolphin seen swimming alongside whales harpooned by Japanese ‘scientists’ and posted on U-Tube by environmental group Greenpeace, have been removed after it was discovered well-meaning environmentally-friendly members of the Rainbow Warrior had been washing their children’s disposable nappies in the sea and recycling them.
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Indigenous groups told to join PMs Sorry Apology.
PM Menzies congratulates the U17 Winners of Steal an Aboriginal Family Competition
Prime Minister Rudd has told aboriginals who were not part of the Stolen Generation they are expected to apologise along with other Australians.
People who cast informal votes, or refused to vote for the governments of the day between 1890 and 1960 have been exempted but ex-pats who were living in Australia at the time are expected to ring Canberra by Friday, or they will be stripped of Australian citizenship and not allowed back into the country. Anyone holidaying in Australia two weeks either side of the apology date is expected to make a voluntary donation of at least fifty dollars.
A new tax (SGT or Stolen Generation Tax)will be introduced for the estates of all dead people, who died since the first child was stolen, and if they don’t have an estate, their relatives will be taxed twice. If their relatives are unemployed it will be taken from their Centrelink payments. If they are in jail, two weeks will be added to their sentences. “This is the country of the fair go where everyone chips in,” Mr Rudd said.
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Rudd reveals first list of bright minds and topics for his 2020 Summit.
Kevin Rudd's favourite band 'The Wiggles' will perform at the 2020 Summit
Balancing Mortgage Rates and Inflation for First Home Buyers – David Hicks and Schapelle Corby
David and Schapelle will teach people how to live on next to nothing for anywhere from 5-20 years.
Climate Change – Wayne Carey.
Wayne will speak on adapting to and coping with climate change, and how he once played a full quarter of a two-hour football match one Sunday on a cold Melbourne day and another quarter the next Saturday on a hot Brisbane day with only six days recovery in between.
Stiffer Jail Terms for Child Sexual Predators – Bindi Irwin
Bindi will model her new kiddy bikini range ‘Bite Me’ while she sings a song with the Wiggles unplugged in their Speedos.
National Security and Terrorism – Beaconsfield Mine Disaster Survivors Todd Russell and Brant Webb.
Todd and Brant will talk about the necessity of mining in the CBDs of capital cities, and converting the shafts to accommodation, and how all Australians would be safe for weeks if they were at least a kilometre underground, rather than living in hi-rise buildings.
Obesity – Pauline Hanson
Pauline will cook battered fish and chips to teach nutrition to Australians growing fat on Asian takeways like sushi and steamed rice.
Rising Oil Prices and Alternative Fuels – Casey Stoner and Mark Webber.
Casey will give a slide show of him as a 4 year old riding a home-made raft made from recycled outdoor dunnies in the sea near the Phillip Island race track using a shovel as a paddle, and Mark will do a PowerPoint demonstration of famous Australian stamps based on the native ducks of Albert Park Lake.
Unemployment & Poverty – Russell Crowe
Russell will appear via live video streaming from a Hollywood party and explain how to make 12 crates of Moet last the whole night. The 60 second clip will include Russell punching out at least three freeloaders.
Aboriginal Land Rights – Lindy Chamberlain.
Lindy will give a demonstration of how to kill a dingo (with a doll in its mouth) by boomerang without harming the toy.
Racism & Religious Intolerance – Tony Mokbel
A letter from Tony will be read out about how he and his Greek Orthodox mates once mingled with Catholic Italians at a Lygon Street church fair, how they taught him to make the perfect latte without a cappuccino machine by firing blanks into milk jug, and how they sold the lattes to Muslim shoppers at cost price.
Drugs and Alcohol – Corey Delaney’s Parents
Corey’s mum and dad will host a 45 second rave party followed by a demonstration of home nipple-piercing using a nail gun bought with frequent flyer points.
Getting Australia to qualify for the 2010 Football World Cup – John Howard.
The former PM will auction his famous Wallabies tracksuit to the highest bidder, and donate the proceeds to the financially-strapped Socceroos.
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Australian Cricketers admit they drop catches on purpose to give India a chance of winning a match.
An image sent to Cricket Australia via mobile phone by India's Cricket Board.
After Australia thrashed India in the no-contest 20/20 cricket match on Friday night in front of 85,000 spectators, James Sutherland of Cricket Australia called the Australian cricket team into a twelve hour meeting, and finally convinced them to give India a chance of winning at least one match before they go home, so that spectators would turn up to the matches and sponsors would still pour millions of dollars into cricket. Ricky Ponting reluctantly agreed, and instructed Australia’s one day cricketers to drop at least three catches in the first twenty overs to give India a chance of competing. Michael Symonds confirmed that this morning’s fielding session at the Gabba was all about how to drop a catch and throw the ball at least five metres wide of the stumps, and that the Australians had spent hours watching the Indian side fielding to work out exactly how to go about fielding badly. Sutherland said that if Australia thrashed India today, he would work on bad running between the wickets, and racially abusing Indians so that our best players are banned.
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