NormSTAR WARS IN THREE ACTS OF 81 THROWAWAY LINES
A STORMTROOPER, A TROOPER
DARTH VADER, A LORD
THE EMPEROR, A RULER
PETER CUSHING, AN ACTOR
1. A STORMTROOPER: Those WERE the droids I was looking for.
2. DARTH VADER: What’s up YOUR arse!
3. A STORMTROOPER: Nothing.
4. DARTH VADER: What is it! What have you DONE?
5. A STORMTROOPER: Just fuck off. Nothing.
6. DARTH VADER: If there’s no milk left. You’re fucked.
7. A STORMTROOPER: I may have made a mistake.
8. DARTH VADER: What have you done!
9. A STORMTROOPER: Promise you won’t get mad?
10. DARTH VADER: What have you done?
11. A STORMTROOPER: I may have made a mistake.
12. DARTH VADER: What??
13. A STORMTROOPER: I may have accidentally let the droids go.
14. DARTH VADER: What!!
15. A STORMTROOPER: I thought they weren’t the droids we were looking for.
16. DARTH VADER: And now you think they were!
17. A STORMTROOPER: I think they might have been.
18. DARTH VADER: Oh, great. That’s wonderful. Just fucking wonderful. Wonderful. Fucking wonderful.
19. A STORMTROOPER: Sorry.
20. DARTH VADER: You’re not sorry!
21. A STORMTROOPER: You don’t think that I’m sorry?
22. DARTH VADER: You don’t want me to find the droids we’re looking for!
23. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t want you to find the droids we’re looking for.
24. DARTH VADER: You’re going to make it up to me!
25. A STORMTROPPER: I’m going to make it up to you.
26. DARTH VADER: How can you ever make it up to me?
27. A STORMTROOPER: Don’t know??
28. DARTH VADER: Somehow!
29. A STORMTROOPER: How?
30. DARTH VADER: You can start by making me a cup of tea!
31. A STORMTROOPER: You’re always yelling at me.
32. DARTH VADER: You’re this close. This close. To getting fired. This close.
33. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t breathe.
34. DARTH VADER: Open a window. Maybe you might see the droids we’re looking for!
35. A STORMTROOPER: Very funny.
36. DARTH VADER: Am I laughing?
37. A STORMTROOPER: Hard question.
38. DARTH VADER: Do is it look like I’m laughing to you?
39. A STORMTROOPER: Here’s your tea.
40. DARTH VADER: Very fucking funny!
41. A STORMTROOPER: What?
42. DARTH VADER: I’m lactose intolerant. Fuck me. Fucking dumb fuck.
43. A STORMTROOPER: What?
44. DARTH VADER: Oh, you fuck.
45. A STORMTROOPER: What?
46. DARTH VADER: This has milk in it. I can’t drink milk! I’m lactose intolerant.
47. A STORMTROOPER: Sorry.
48. DARTH VADER: If I drink milk I get terrible gas. Have you ever tried having terrible gas when you’re wearing your suit! Have you? Have you!
49. A STRORMTROOPER: Maybe.
50. DARTH VADER: Maybe! Maybe! You mean you don’t know! You don’t know if you’ve ever had gas in your suit?
51. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t know.
52. DARTH VADER: Do you know why I need a gas mask? Do you! You fuck!
53. A STORMTROOPER: Smoking. I thought.
54. DARTH VADER: When have you ever seen me with a cigarette in my hand! A single cigarette. Have you?
55. A STORMTROOPER: Oh. Not sure.
56. DARTH VADER: You’re a fuckwit. You’re fired.
57. A STORMTROOPER: Oh.
58. DARTH VADER: You’re no longer required. Your services have been terminated. You’re fired. Fuck off! Lactose intolerant! You fuck! You dumb! Fuck!
59. A STORMTROOPER: I think I might know where the droids might be...
60. DARTH VADER: What! Where? Tell me! Tell me. Where! Where are the droids!
61. A STORMTROOPER: No. Only if I can keep my job.
62. DARTH VADER: What? Yes. Fine. You’ve still got your job. You’re not fired. I can tolerate lactose. Lactose? It’s fine. Where are they? The droids. The droids. Where are the droids?
63. A STORMTROOPER: Not until you drink all of your tea.
64. DARTH VADER: Can you make me another one? I can’t drink milk. Fine. Fine. See! All gone. Now where are they?
65. A STORMTROOPER: No. They weren’t the droids we’re looking for.
66. DARTH VADER: What?
67. A STORMTROOPER: I’m not even sure they were droids.
68. DARTH VADER: You mean you don’t know where the droids are?
69. A STORMTROOPER: No. Not really.
70. DARTH VADER: Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Shit.
71. A STORMTROOPER: Something wrong? Biscuit?
72. DARTH VADER: What are they?
73. A STORMTROOPER: Assorted.
74. DARTH VADER: Shit!
75. A STORMTROOPER: What?
76. DARTH VADER: I just have to find those droids.
77. A STORMTROOPER: It’s all right. We’ll find them.
78. DARTH VADER: Shit. The Emperor is going to fucking kill me if I don’t. He’s a fucking nutty old fuck. A fucking old nut. He’s fucking nuts. He’s going to fucking kill me.
79. A STORMTROOPER: Don’t worry. We’ll find the droids.
80. DARTH VADER: I hope you’re right. I fucking hope you’re right.
81. A STORMTROOPER: Why? What’s the worst thing that can happen?
1. THE EMPEROR: What’s up with you?
2. DARTH VADER: Nothing. Why?
3. THE EMPEROR: You just look a bit funny. That’s all.
4. DARTH VADER: No. Everything’s fine.
5. A STORMTROOPER: We haven’t seen the droids you’re looking for. If that’s what you mean.
6. THE EMPEROR: What?
7. DARTH VADER: Nothing. What? Nothing!
8. THE EMPEROR: What’s that?
9. A STORMTROOPER: Is that what you mean?
10. THE EMPEROR: What’s this about the droids we’re looking for?
11. DARTH VADER: Why did you say that? What is wrong with you!
12. THE EMPEROR: Why are we looking for droids now?
13. DARTH VADER: Did I not tell you? We’re looking for a couple of droids.
14. THE EMPEROR: And why are we out looking for a couple of fucking droids?
15. A STORMTROOPER: They may have escaped us.
16. THE EMPEROR: Oh, so fucking what!
17. DARTH VADER: Yeah. I know! It’s just a couple of fucking droids.
18. THE EMPEROR: Can anyone else smell something funny? Like rotten eggs. Or. Shit.
19. DARTH VADER: I can’t smell anything.
20. THE EMPEROR: Smells like. Like. Burning plastic. Or. Gas. Something. Can you smell it?
21. DARTH VADER: You can’t smell anything, can you?
22. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t smell anything.
23. DARTH VADER: Biscuit?
24. THE EMPEROR: Nah. I’m good.
25. DARTH VADER: I just had a feeling I haven’t had for a long time.
26. A STORMTROOPER: What is it?
27. DARTH VADER: Oh. I think it’s heartburn.
28. THE EMPEROR: It’s not GORD, is it?
29. A STORMTROOPER: What is GORD?
30. DARTH VADER: It’s not GORD.
31. THE EMPEROR: What is it then?
32. DARTH VADER: Heartburn, I think I said. Is that what I said!
33. THE EMPEROR: Heartburn is a symptom of GORD.
34. DARTH VADER: It’s not GORD.
35. A STORMTROOPER: It’s heartburn.
36. THE EMPEROR: When did you eat last?
37. DARTH VADER: I just had a snack before.
38. THE EMPEROR: Is that what I can smell?
39. A STORMTROOPER: I had the same thing.
40. DARTH VADER: When have you ever had heartburn!
41. A STORMTROOPER: I mean I had GORD.
42. THE EMPEROR: What did you have?
43. A STORMTROOPER: I had heartburn. Reflux.
44. DARTH VADER: I just had a snack just before.
45. THE EMPEROR: What did you have!
46. DARTH VADER: I had exactly what I had yesterday.
47. THE EMPEROR: I get it. You just had what you had yeterday.
48. DARTH VADER: What did I say!
49. THE EMPEROR: Can you speak up!
50. DARTH VADER: You fucking deaf fuck.
51. THE EMPEROR: I’m going to find your son. And then I’m going to electrocute him until he pisses himself.
52. DARTH VADER: That’s not funny.
53. THE EMPEROR: And I’m going to enjoy it.
54. DARTH VADER: I have no son.
55. A STORMTROOPER: Have you ever tried going to the toilet in one of these?
56. DARTH VADER: You should try it in this thing.
57. THE EMPEROR: Make me a drink?
58. A STORMTROOPER: What are you having?
59. THE EMPEROR: Any camomile tea left?
60. DARTH VADER: I went to the toilet once in a cup.
61. A STORMTROOPER: I went in the fridge, just before.
62. THE EMPEROR: Are you on drugs?
63. DARTH VADER: That’s what I can smell! I thought I smelled shit.
64. A STORMTROOPER: I have a feeling those droids might come back to haunt us.
65. THE EMPEROR: I don’t believe in ghosts. So. Who gives a fuck!
66. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t believe I let that old paedophile and his lover make me think they weren’t the droids I was looking for!
67. DARTH VADER: Old paedophile? What old paedophile?
68. THE EMPEROR: People think I’m a paedophile just because of the way I look.
69. A STORMTROOPER: That old paedophile who made me think they weren’t the droids I was looking for. Old guy. Funny looking. English, I think. He smelt like one anyway. Pwoaaar.
70. THE EMPEROR: I’m not though, you know.
71. A STORMTROOPER: I thought you were.
72. THE EMPEROR: I’m not English. People think I am. But I’m not. Smell. See? Not English.
73. A STORMTROOPER: Fuck me. I thought you were. Fuck. Me.
74. DARTH VADER: Old paedophile. Old paedophile. Beard? Yes? Beard? Shit. I just had a feeling I have not had for a long time.
75. A STROMTROOPER: If I don’t shave for a couple of days it starts to itch.
76. THE EMPEROR: Do you mean shaving your balls? I haven’t had to shave my balls for many years.
77. DARTH VADER: That’s because you’re an old fuck.
78. THE EMPEROR: I don’t have to listen this. I’m going to find your son. And I’m going to apply electrodes to his nuts. And I’m going to like it. And you’re going to watch me. You stupid fuck.
79. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t shave my balls, either! I use mum’s tweezers. It’s much less uncomfortable.
80. DARTH VADER: Fuck you. I told you. I have no fucking son.
81. A STORMTROOPER: Who are we going to take orders from now?
1. DARTH VADER: Why are you acting like such a DICK?
2. PETER CUSHING: Don’t point YOUR fucking finger at ME.
3. DARTH VADER: Say that again!
4. PETER CUSHING: What! Are you deaf?
5. DARTH VADER: Say it again!
6. PETER CUSHING: Do you really want me to!
7. DARTH VADER: You’re this close to getting strangled. This. Close. This close.
8. PETER CUSHING: Go on then.
9. A STORMTROOPER: I. Can’t. Breathe.
10. DARTH VADER: Up yours.
11. A STORMTROOPER: That feels better. Much better.
12. PETER CUSHING: You walk around here like your farts don’t stink.
13. DARTH VADER: I do!
14. PETER CUSHING: I don’t even fart so...
15. DARTH VADER: That’s because you are anally retentive so...
16. PETER CUSHING: Are YOU calling ME anal?
17. DARTH VADER: You don’t scare me.
18. A STORMTROOPER: Can I say something?
19. DARTH VADER: Yeah, what!
20. A STORMTROOPER: I can smell gas.
21. PETER CUSHING: Did you leave the fucking oven on!
22. DARTH VADER: We don’t even have a fucking oven!
23. PETER CUSHING: Well how do I fucking know that!
24. A STORMTROOPER: Maybe I left the microwave on.
25. DARTH VADER: You don’t know how close you are to fucking getting fucking...
26. PETER CUSHING: Am I getting close?
27. DARTH VADER: Guess.
28. A STORMTROOPER: I checked. It’s not the microwave. It almost smells like yesterday’s lunch.
29. DARTH VADER: You’re this close.
30. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t breathe.
31. PETER CUSHING: How big’s your dick?
32. DARTH VADER: Like this.
33. A STORMTROOPER: Can’t.
34. DARTH VADER: Maybe this.
35. A STORMTROOPER: Breathe.
36. DARTH VADER: Why do you ask?
37. PETER CUSHING: Why don’t you go fuck yourself?
38. A STORMTROOPER: That’s better. God.
39. DARTH VADER: Up yours!
40. A STORMTROOPER: That’s better. That’s much better. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was really going to die.
41. PETER CUSHING: Why don’t you!
42. DARTH VADER: Have you ever tried killing a Stormtrooper?
43. A STROMTROOPER: Go on. See if you can. Use my blaster. Go on. See if your blasters have any effect on my armour. Go on. Here.
44. PETER CUSHING: No thanks.
45. DARTH VADER: Shoot. Shoot. Shoot him now. Shoot him now. Now! Now. Shoot him.
46. PETER CUSHING: Don’t shoot me. Don’t shoot me, please. I’ll do anything.
47. DARTH VADER: You have to shoot him, now.
48. A STORMTROOPER: I have to shoot you now. Hold still.
49. PETER CUSHING: Ha-ha. You missed. You missed me, you dumb fuck. You missed me. I’ll never forget this. You’re fucked. I’ll remember this. You’re fucked.
50. DARTH VADER: What the fuck is the matter with you? Point-blank range. And you missed? You dumb fuck. I need a fucking drink.
51. A STORMTROOPER: I think I just ate my own vomit.
52. DARTH VADER: Why didn’t you aspirate it in your mask!
53. A STORMTROOPER: Do you want me to die?
54. DARTH VADER: You’re this close.
55. PETER CUSHING: Stop it.
56. A STORMTROOPER: Oh, stop it. I’ve got a blaster.
57. DARTH VADER: You’re weapons have no effect on me!
58. PETER CUSHING: Shoot him. Shoot him. Now! Shoot him. I’ll forget everything if you shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him, now.
59. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t feel very well.
60. DARTH VADER: I just had a feeling I have not had for a very long time.
61. PETER CUSHING: What is it?
62. DARTH VADER: I think I may have soiled myself.
63. PETER CUSHING: That’s got to hurt. Fuck.
64. DARTH VADER: Is my other suit back from the cleaners yet?
65. A STORMTROOPER: What’s wrong?
66. DARTH VADER: I just realised. Shit. Fuck. Shit! I have no other suit. Well that’s just fucked.
67. A STORMTROOPER: I have a suit you can use.
68. PETER CUSHING: Pwoaoorrr. You smell, Lord Vader. I think you definitley might have shat yourself.
69. DARTH VADER: Hey, fuck you. I have a medical condition. You fuck. You fucking Englishman.
70. PETER CUSHING: Whatever. I feel like blowing something up.
71. A STORMTROOPER: Are you going to crash here?
72. PETER CUSING: Is that cool?
73. DARTH VADER: Oh, fuck off. If you’re staying, I’m out of here.
74. A STORMTROOPER: Read my lips.
75. PETER CUSHING: I don’t know what you’re saying.
76. DARTH VADER: Did you hear that? It sounded like an intruder.
77. PETER CUSHING: Don’t be so fucking stupid.
78. DARTH VADER: I’m going to check it out. When I come back I expect you to not be here. Okay? You fucker!
79. PETER CUSHING: I’m fucking staying. And I’m doing what I want whether you like it or not. So fuck you.
80. A STORMTROOPER: Did you hear that?
81. PETER CUSHING: It sounded like an intruder.
DARTH VADER, A LORD
THE EMPEROR, A RULER
PETER CUSHING, AN ACTOR
1. A STORMTROOPER: Those WERE the droids I was looking for.
2. DARTH VADER: What’s up YOUR arse!
3. A STORMTROOPER: Nothing.
4. DARTH VADER: What is it! What have you DONE?
5. A STORMTROOPER: Just fuck off. Nothing.
6. DARTH VADER: If there’s no milk left. You’re fucked.
7. A STORMTROOPER: I may have made a mistake.
8. DARTH VADER: What have you done!
9. A STORMTROOPER: Promise you won’t get mad?
10. DARTH VADER: What have you done?
11. A STORMTROOPER: I may have made a mistake.
12. DARTH VADER: What??
13. A STORMTROOPER: I may have accidentally let the droids go.
14. DARTH VADER: What!!
15. A STORMTROOPER: I thought they weren’t the droids we were looking for.
16. DARTH VADER: And now you think they were!
17. A STORMTROOPER: I think they might have been.
18. DARTH VADER: Oh, great. That’s wonderful. Just fucking wonderful. Wonderful. Fucking wonderful.
19. A STORMTROOPER: Sorry.
20. DARTH VADER: You’re not sorry!
21. A STORMTROOPER: You don’t think that I’m sorry?
22. DARTH VADER: You don’t want me to find the droids we’re looking for!
23. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t want you to find the droids we’re looking for.
24. DARTH VADER: You’re going to make it up to me!
25. A STORMTROPPER: I’m going to make it up to you.
26. DARTH VADER: How can you ever make it up to me?
27. A STORMTROOPER: Don’t know??
28. DARTH VADER: Somehow!
29. A STORMTROOPER: How?
30. DARTH VADER: You can start by making me a cup of tea!
31. A STORMTROOPER: You’re always yelling at me.
32. DARTH VADER: You’re this close. This close. To getting fired. This close.
33. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t breathe.
34. DARTH VADER: Open a window. Maybe you might see the droids we’re looking for!
35. A STORMTROOPER: Very funny.
36. DARTH VADER: Am I laughing?
37. A STORMTROOPER: Hard question.
38. DARTH VADER: Do is it look like I’m laughing to you?
39. A STORMTROOPER: Here’s your tea.
40. DARTH VADER: Very fucking funny!
41. A STORMTROOPER: What?
42. DARTH VADER: I’m lactose intolerant. Fuck me. Fucking dumb fuck.
43. A STORMTROOPER: What?
44. DARTH VADER: Oh, you fuck.
45. A STORMTROOPER: What?
46. DARTH VADER: This has milk in it. I can’t drink milk! I’m lactose intolerant.
47. A STORMTROOPER: Sorry.
48. DARTH VADER: If I drink milk I get terrible gas. Have you ever tried having terrible gas when you’re wearing your suit! Have you? Have you!
49. A STRORMTROOPER: Maybe.
50. DARTH VADER: Maybe! Maybe! You mean you don’t know! You don’t know if you’ve ever had gas in your suit?
51. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t know.
52. DARTH VADER: Do you know why I need a gas mask? Do you! You fuck!
53. A STORMTROOPER: Smoking. I thought.
54. DARTH VADER: When have you ever seen me with a cigarette in my hand! A single cigarette. Have you?
55. A STORMTROOPER: Oh. Not sure.
56. DARTH VADER: You’re a fuckwit. You’re fired.
57. A STORMTROOPER: Oh.
58. DARTH VADER: You’re no longer required. Your services have been terminated. You’re fired. Fuck off! Lactose intolerant! You fuck! You dumb! Fuck!
59. A STORMTROOPER: I think I might know where the droids might be...
60. DARTH VADER: What! Where? Tell me! Tell me. Where! Where are the droids!
61. A STORMTROOPER: No. Only if I can keep my job.
62. DARTH VADER: What? Yes. Fine. You’ve still got your job. You’re not fired. I can tolerate lactose. Lactose? It’s fine. Where are they? The droids. The droids. Where are the droids?
63. A STORMTROOPER: Not until you drink all of your tea.
64. DARTH VADER: Can you make me another one? I can’t drink milk. Fine. Fine. See! All gone. Now where are they?
65. A STORMTROOPER: No. They weren’t the droids we’re looking for.
66. DARTH VADER: What?
67. A STORMTROOPER: I’m not even sure they were droids.
68. DARTH VADER: You mean you don’t know where the droids are?
69. A STORMTROOPER: No. Not really.
70. DARTH VADER: Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Shit.
71. A STORMTROOPER: Something wrong? Biscuit?
72. DARTH VADER: What are they?
73. A STORMTROOPER: Assorted.
74. DARTH VADER: Shit!
75. A STORMTROOPER: What?
76. DARTH VADER: I just have to find those droids.
77. A STORMTROOPER: It’s all right. We’ll find them.
78. DARTH VADER: Shit. The Emperor is going to fucking kill me if I don’t. He’s a fucking nutty old fuck. A fucking old nut. He’s fucking nuts. He’s going to fucking kill me.
79. A STORMTROOPER: Don’t worry. We’ll find the droids.
80. DARTH VADER: I hope you’re right. I fucking hope you’re right.
81. A STORMTROOPER: Why? What’s the worst thing that can happen?
1. THE EMPEROR: What’s up with you?
2. DARTH VADER: Nothing. Why?
3. THE EMPEROR: You just look a bit funny. That’s all.
4. DARTH VADER: No. Everything’s fine.
5. A STORMTROOPER: We haven’t seen the droids you’re looking for. If that’s what you mean.
6. THE EMPEROR: What?
7. DARTH VADER: Nothing. What? Nothing!
8. THE EMPEROR: What’s that?
9. A STORMTROOPER: Is that what you mean?
10. THE EMPEROR: What’s this about the droids we’re looking for?
11. DARTH VADER: Why did you say that? What is wrong with you!
12. THE EMPEROR: Why are we looking for droids now?
13. DARTH VADER: Did I not tell you? We’re looking for a couple of droids.
14. THE EMPEROR: And why are we out looking for a couple of fucking droids?
15. A STORMTROOPER: They may have escaped us.
16. THE EMPEROR: Oh, so fucking what!
17. DARTH VADER: Yeah. I know! It’s just a couple of fucking droids.
18. THE EMPEROR: Can anyone else smell something funny? Like rotten eggs. Or. Shit.
19. DARTH VADER: I can’t smell anything.
20. THE EMPEROR: Smells like. Like. Burning plastic. Or. Gas. Something. Can you smell it?
21. DARTH VADER: You can’t smell anything, can you?
22. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t smell anything.
23. DARTH VADER: Biscuit?
24. THE EMPEROR: Nah. I’m good.
25. DARTH VADER: I just had a feeling I haven’t had for a long time.
26. A STORMTROOPER: What is it?
27. DARTH VADER: Oh. I think it’s heartburn.
28. THE EMPEROR: It’s not GORD, is it?
29. A STORMTROOPER: What is GORD?
30. DARTH VADER: It’s not GORD.
31. THE EMPEROR: What is it then?
32. DARTH VADER: Heartburn, I think I said. Is that what I said!
33. THE EMPEROR: Heartburn is a symptom of GORD.
34. DARTH VADER: It’s not GORD.
35. A STORMTROOPER: It’s heartburn.
36. THE EMPEROR: When did you eat last?
37. DARTH VADER: I just had a snack before.
38. THE EMPEROR: Is that what I can smell?
39. A STORMTROOPER: I had the same thing.
40. DARTH VADER: When have you ever had heartburn!
41. A STORMTROOPER: I mean I had GORD.
42. THE EMPEROR: What did you have?
43. A STORMTROOPER: I had heartburn. Reflux.
44. DARTH VADER: I just had a snack just before.
45. THE EMPEROR: What did you have!
46. DARTH VADER: I had exactly what I had yesterday.
47. THE EMPEROR: I get it. You just had what you had yeterday.
48. DARTH VADER: What did I say!
49. THE EMPEROR: Can you speak up!
50. DARTH VADER: You fucking deaf fuck.
51. THE EMPEROR: I’m going to find your son. And then I’m going to electrocute him until he pisses himself.
52. DARTH VADER: That’s not funny.
53. THE EMPEROR: And I’m going to enjoy it.
54. DARTH VADER: I have no son.
55. A STORMTROOPER: Have you ever tried going to the toilet in one of these?
56. DARTH VADER: You should try it in this thing.
57. THE EMPEROR: Make me a drink?
58. A STORMTROOPER: What are you having?
59. THE EMPEROR: Any camomile tea left?
60. DARTH VADER: I went to the toilet once in a cup.
61. A STORMTROOPER: I went in the fridge, just before.
62. THE EMPEROR: Are you on drugs?
63. DARTH VADER: That’s what I can smell! I thought I smelled shit.
64. A STORMTROOPER: I have a feeling those droids might come back to haunt us.
65. THE EMPEROR: I don’t believe in ghosts. So. Who gives a fuck!
66. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t believe I let that old paedophile and his lover make me think they weren’t the droids I was looking for!
67. DARTH VADER: Old paedophile? What old paedophile?
68. THE EMPEROR: People think I’m a paedophile just because of the way I look.
69. A STORMTROOPER: That old paedophile who made me think they weren’t the droids I was looking for. Old guy. Funny looking. English, I think. He smelt like one anyway. Pwoaaar.
70. THE EMPEROR: I’m not though, you know.
71. A STORMTROOPER: I thought you were.
72. THE EMPEROR: I’m not English. People think I am. But I’m not. Smell. See? Not English.
73. A STORMTROOPER: Fuck me. I thought you were. Fuck. Me.
74. DARTH VADER: Old paedophile. Old paedophile. Beard? Yes? Beard? Shit. I just had a feeling I have not had for a long time.
75. A STROMTROOPER: If I don’t shave for a couple of days it starts to itch.
76. THE EMPEROR: Do you mean shaving your balls? I haven’t had to shave my balls for many years.
77. DARTH VADER: That’s because you’re an old fuck.
78. THE EMPEROR: I don’t have to listen this. I’m going to find your son. And I’m going to apply electrodes to his nuts. And I’m going to like it. And you’re going to watch me. You stupid fuck.
79. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t shave my balls, either! I use mum’s tweezers. It’s much less uncomfortable.
80. DARTH VADER: Fuck you. I told you. I have no fucking son.
81. A STORMTROOPER: Who are we going to take orders from now?
1. DARTH VADER: Why are you acting like such a DICK?
2. PETER CUSHING: Don’t point YOUR fucking finger at ME.
3. DARTH VADER: Say that again!
4. PETER CUSHING: What! Are you deaf?
5. DARTH VADER: Say it again!
6. PETER CUSHING: Do you really want me to!
7. DARTH VADER: You’re this close to getting strangled. This. Close. This close.
8. PETER CUSHING: Go on then.
9. A STORMTROOPER: I. Can’t. Breathe.
10. DARTH VADER: Up yours.
11. A STORMTROOPER: That feels better. Much better.
12. PETER CUSHING: You walk around here like your farts don’t stink.
13. DARTH VADER: I do!
14. PETER CUSHING: I don’t even fart so...
15. DARTH VADER: That’s because you are anally retentive so...
16. PETER CUSHING: Are YOU calling ME anal?
17. DARTH VADER: You don’t scare me.
18. A STORMTROOPER: Can I say something?
19. DARTH VADER: Yeah, what!
20. A STORMTROOPER: I can smell gas.
21. PETER CUSHING: Did you leave the fucking oven on!
22. DARTH VADER: We don’t even have a fucking oven!
23. PETER CUSHING: Well how do I fucking know that!
24. A STORMTROOPER: Maybe I left the microwave on.
25. DARTH VADER: You don’t know how close you are to fucking getting fucking...
26. PETER CUSHING: Am I getting close?
27. DARTH VADER: Guess.
28. A STORMTROOPER: I checked. It’s not the microwave. It almost smells like yesterday’s lunch.
29. DARTH VADER: You’re this close.
30. A STORMTROOPER: I can’t breathe.
31. PETER CUSHING: How big’s your dick?
32. DARTH VADER: Like this.
33. A STORMTROOPER: Can’t.
34. DARTH VADER: Maybe this.
35. A STORMTROOPER: Breathe.
36. DARTH VADER: Why do you ask?
37. PETER CUSHING: Why don’t you go fuck yourself?
38. A STORMTROOPER: That’s better. God.
39. DARTH VADER: Up yours!
40. A STORMTROOPER: That’s better. That’s much better. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was really going to die.
41. PETER CUSHING: Why don’t you!
42. DARTH VADER: Have you ever tried killing a Stormtrooper?
43. A STROMTROOPER: Go on. See if you can. Use my blaster. Go on. See if your blasters have any effect on my armour. Go on. Here.
44. PETER CUSHING: No thanks.
45. DARTH VADER: Shoot. Shoot. Shoot him now. Shoot him now. Now! Now. Shoot him.
46. PETER CUSHING: Don’t shoot me. Don’t shoot me, please. I’ll do anything.
47. DARTH VADER: You have to shoot him, now.
48. A STORMTROOPER: I have to shoot you now. Hold still.
49. PETER CUSHING: Ha-ha. You missed. You missed me, you dumb fuck. You missed me. I’ll never forget this. You’re fucked. I’ll remember this. You’re fucked.
50. DARTH VADER: What the fuck is the matter with you? Point-blank range. And you missed? You dumb fuck. I need a fucking drink.
51. A STORMTROOPER: I think I just ate my own vomit.
52. DARTH VADER: Why didn’t you aspirate it in your mask!
53. A STORMTROOPER: Do you want me to die?
54. DARTH VADER: You’re this close.
55. PETER CUSHING: Stop it.
56. A STORMTROOPER: Oh, stop it. I’ve got a blaster.
57. DARTH VADER: You’re weapons have no effect on me!
58. PETER CUSHING: Shoot him. Shoot him. Now! Shoot him. I’ll forget everything if you shoot him. Shoot him. Shoot him, now.
59. A STORMTROOPER: I don’t feel very well.
60. DARTH VADER: I just had a feeling I have not had for a very long time.
61. PETER CUSHING: What is it?
62. DARTH VADER: I think I may have soiled myself.
63. PETER CUSHING: That’s got to hurt. Fuck.
64. DARTH VADER: Is my other suit back from the cleaners yet?
65. A STORMTROOPER: What’s wrong?
66. DARTH VADER: I just realised. Shit. Fuck. Shit! I have no other suit. Well that’s just fucked.
67. A STORMTROOPER: I have a suit you can use.
68. PETER CUSHING: Pwoaoorrr. You smell, Lord Vader. I think you definitley might have shat yourself.
69. DARTH VADER: Hey, fuck you. I have a medical condition. You fuck. You fucking Englishman.
70. PETER CUSHING: Whatever. I feel like blowing something up.
71. A STORMTROOPER: Are you going to crash here?
72. PETER CUSING: Is that cool?
73. DARTH VADER: Oh, fuck off. If you’re staying, I’m out of here.
74. A STORMTROOPER: Read my lips.
75. PETER CUSHING: I don’t know what you’re saying.
76. DARTH VADER: Did you hear that? It sounded like an intruder.
77. PETER CUSHING: Don’t be so fucking stupid.
78. DARTH VADER: I’m going to check it out. When I come back I expect you to not be here. Okay? You fucker!
79. PETER CUSHING: I’m fucking staying. And I’m doing what I want whether you like it or not. So fuck you.
80. A STORMTROOPER: Did you hear that?
81. PETER CUSHING: It sounded like an intruder.
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