NormThe Worms Cricket Club, Act 1, Episode 6, Channel 31 Telescript (2005)
Characters
Rubber, unsporting male, personalized cap: rubber
Razor, unsporting male, personalized cap: lucky
Peter, athletic male, personalized cap: perfect
Amanda, girlish female, personalized cap: mand
Kim, female/male, personalized cap: big easy
Mark, furious male, personalized cap: ham
Julia, strong female, personalized cap: jewel
ACT ONE
A COMMUNITY CRICKET CLUB STUDIO.
AMANDA ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE SIDE OF THE CLUB EMBLEM. THE MUSIC DIES.
AMANDA
RUBBER ENTERS THE FRAME.
Over here we have Rubber.
RUBBER
How are you Mandy? You look great.
AMANDA
Lovely. Lovely. So do you. When I make cream buns for arvo tea, when I’m creaming my buns, Rubber, it’s you I think of, sometimes.
RUBBER
I can tell you that when I’m wheeling away, willingly wheeling on a stinking hot day, the last thing I want is to be wheeling away on a hot stinking day. Coming back to the sheds to any white doughy sweeties is just the thing, just the thing.
AMANDA
Very kind of you to say so. Very. Very kind. Equipment. Equipment, Rubber. What sort of blade do you favour?
PAUSE.
RUBBER
English. Well, cane and by extension English.
AMANDA
Marvellous, truly, marvellous. What sort of cherry do you prefer?
PAUSE.
RUBBER
Leather. Well, cork covered in leather.
AMANDA
Leather. Leather, that’s lovely. Leather. Cork too. When I think of cork I think of wine. Pop. Back in. Use the butt of the hand. Back in. Tight. Lovely. Leather. Wet and squeaky. Dead cow. Lovely dead cow skin. Kabana is a kind of leather. Edible leather. Delicious. Wash it down with claret. Delicious. More delicious!
PAUSE.
RUBBER
I’d love to stay and chat – sorry – I have a thing on. It’s a thing. It’s on. It’s not my thing really. It is on. I should go.
AMANDA
Wunderbar! Wunderbar. I’ll let you go.
RUBBER EXITS.
AMANDA
Off you go. Off you go then. Say: hello.
Goodbye. Goodbye! Say: hello.
PAUSE.
SILENCE.
AMANDA
Hello. Hello Raze. Raze. Razor, Hello. Where were we? Things. Things, Raze. Things. How are things?
PAUSE.
RAZOR(BEHIND THE CAMERA)
I have my own cap. It’s a perfect fit. Well it’s a bit loose. Sometimes my head pops right out the top there. I was born with this cap. You’d have to cut it off my very head. It’s what I use. Mine. God-given. No one could ever accuse me of being without a cap.
PAUSE.
AMANDA
That’s very, very nice...for you.
PAUSE.
SILENCE.
AMANDA
Well there you have it. Things. Things can not be ignored. Having these words in my mouth makes me hungry. I’m hungry.
JACK BY MA’S FOLLY.
AMANDA
Back after this.
DARKNESS.
