The Cricket Club, Episode 6, Channel 31 Telescript (2005)

Equal and Opposite

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The Worms Cricket Club, Act 1, Episode 6, Channel 31 Telescript (2005)

Characters

Rubber, unsporting male, personalized cap: rubber

Razor, unsporting male, personalized cap: lucky

Peter, athletic male, personalized cap: perfect

Amanda, girlish female, personalized cap: mand

Kim, female/male, personalized cap: big easy

Mark, furious male, personalized cap: ham

Julia, strong female, personalized cap: jewel

ACT ONE

A COMMUNITY CRICKET CLUB STUDIO.

AMANDA ENTERS AND STANDS TO THE SIDE OF THE CLUB EMBLEM. THE MUSIC DIES.

AMANDA

When I was asked to present a show for my beloved Worms, the first thing I said to myself was: (PAUSE) I can’t remember. It was something like – you want me. You do. I was told that I could have it any way I wanted. Usually it’s the other way around. I’m going on a bit, I’ll stop. Tonight we’ll be talking equipment. I love and adore equipment. Is it hard to play? It’s hard to play. It’s hard, isn’t it? It’s impossible without equipment. Tonight I’ll be talking to Worm-stars about their gear. I should start by telling everyone about my own. It can be a touchy subject. Equipment can be touchy. Sensitive. So very sensitive. Anyway it can get hairy. Very hairy. So very hairy. As I like to lay back and watch the boys having their fun, I need a nice pillow. Open up my little hamper, lie back and watch the boys going at it. So, a hamper, a pillow and something to fill me up. A little kabana and cheese is lovely. Now, some of you might think this is all a bit wet – it is. Lovely. Come with me, over here.

RUBBER ENTERS THE FRAME.

Over here we have Rubber.

RUBBER
How are you Mandy? You look great.

AMANDA
Lovely. Lovely. So do you. When I make cream buns for arvo tea, when I’m creaming my buns, Rubber, it’s you I think of, sometimes.

RUBBER
I can tell you that when I’m wheeling away, willingly wheeling on a stinking hot day, the last thing I want is to be wheeling away on a hot stinking day. Coming back to the sheds to any white doughy sweeties is just the thing, just the thing.

AMANDA
Very kind of you to say so. Very. Very kind. Equipment. Equipment, Rubber. What sort of blade do you favour?

PAUSE.

RUBBER
English. Well, cane and by extension English.

AMANDA
Marvellous, truly, marvellous. What sort of cherry do you prefer?

PAUSE.

RUBBER
Leather. Well, cork covered in leather.

AMANDA
Leather. Leather, that’s lovely. Leather. Cork too. When I think of cork I think of wine. Pop. Back in. Use the butt of the hand. Back in. Tight. Lovely. Leather. Wet and squeaky. Dead cow. Lovely dead cow skin. Kabana is a kind of leather. Edible leather. Delicious. Wash it down with claret. Delicious. More delicious!

PAUSE.

RUBBER
I’d love to stay and chat – sorry – I have a thing on. It’s a thing. It’s on. It’s not my thing really. It is on. I should go.

AMANDA
Wunderbar! Wunderbar. I’ll let you go.

RUBBER EXITS.

AMANDA
Off you go. Off you go then. Say: hello.
Goodbye. Goodbye! Say: hello.

PAUSE.

SILENCE.

AMANDA
Hello. Hello Raze. Raze. Razor, Hello. Where were we? Things. Things, Raze. Things. How are things?

PAUSE.
RAZOR(BEHIND THE CAMERA)
I have my own cap. It’s a perfect fit. Well it’s a bit loose. Sometimes my head pops right out the top there. I was born with this cap. You’d have to cut it off my very head. It’s what I use. Mine. God-given. No one could ever accuse me of being without a cap.

PAUSE.

AMANDA
That’s very, very nice...for you.

PAUSE.

SILENCE.

AMANDA
Well there you have it. Things. Things can not be ignored. Having these words in my mouth makes me hungry. I’m hungry.

JACK BY MA’S FOLLY.

AMANDA
Back after this.

DARKNESS.

The Worms Cricket Club, Act 1, Episode 6, Channel 31 Telescript (2005)

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