NormThe Flats 2.0
1
You live in a flat.
You live with your mum.
You live with your dad.
You live with your brothers.
You live with your sisters.
You don’t know what to make of this.
If you take after your mum go to page 2.
If you take after your dad go to page 3.
2
You take after your mum.
Your dad beats the shit out of your mum.
Your dad takes off after you.
Your mum beats the shit out of your brother.
Your dad beats the shit out of you.
You don’t know how to take this.
If you take it out on a cat go to page 4.
If you turn to tricks to page 5.
3
You take after your dad.
Your dad beats the shit of your sister.
Your mum takes off after you.
Your dad beats the shit out of your brother.
Your mum beats the shit out of you.
You don’t know how to take this.
If you get to told you’re something of a mongrel go to page 6.
If you get told you’re something of a chicken go to page 7.
4
You take it out on a cat.
You take a cat.
You take another cat.
You tie their tails together.
You hang them on the line.
You leave them alone.
If you hang out by yourself go to page 8.
If you hang out with friends go to page 9.
5
You turn to tricks.
You take a rabbit.
You take a hat.
You take the rabbit of the hat.
You take it to the streets.
You make a killing.
If you get a pigeon go to page 10.
If you get a girl go to page 11.
6
You get told you’re something of a mongrel.
You get half a mongrel.
You get another half a mongrel.
You put two and two together.
You dig a bit of a pit.
You sit a bit in the pit.
If you take a shit go to page 12.
If you take a piss go to page 13.
7
You get told you’re something of a chicken.
You get to thinking you are.
You take to books, books, and more books.
You take to thinking in terms of words.
You learn as much shit as you can.
You keep it to yourself.
If you go to school go to page 14.
If you go to church go to page 15.
8
You hang out by yourself.
You get met by a bully.
You get the shit beaten out of you.
You get used to it.
You get made a fool of.
You can’t take it.
If you’ve got a big idea go to page 16.
If you’ve got a big problem go to page 17.
9
You hang out with friends.
You run into a kid on their own.
You give them a fat lip.
You give them a black eye.
You give them a blood nose.
You tie their shoes together.
If you have to laugh go to page 18.
If you have to remain silent go to page 19.
10
You get a pigeon.
You stuff it in your pants.
You wave your hands.
You say the magic words.
You don’t know what to say.
You kill the pigeon.
If you go and get a pack of cards go to page 20.
If you go and get a pack of matches go to page 21.
11
You get your sister.
You cut her in half.
You pull her apart.
You wave your magic wand.
You put her back together.
You get a clap.
If you take the hand go to page 22.
If you take the money go to page 23.
12
You take a shit.
You get a good whiff.
You get a sore arse.
You make a bit of a splash.
You piss on your shit.
You run out of toilet paper.
If you wipe your arse with your right hand go to page 24.
If you wipe your arse with your left hand go to page 25.
13
You take a piss.
You might want to sit down for this.
You might want to pass wind.
You might want to piss blood.
You might want to get some fresh air.
You might want to get something to eat.
If you eat shit go to page 26.
If you eat a horse’s arse go to page 27.
14
You go to school.
You scribble pictures in books.
You get books to take home.
You put a hole in your pants.
You get to block out your mum.
You get to shut your dad out.
If you get put in hospital go to page 28.
If you get put in a box go to page 29.
15
You go to church.
You get to sing songs.
You get given something to read.
You get to see some pictures.
You get to hear stories.
You get to drink alcohol.
If you drink the blood of a man go to page 30.
If you eat flesh of a man go to page 31.
16
You’ve got a big idea.
You get a bit of pipe.
You get the bully.
You give them a beating you won’t forget.
You won’t have to remind them either.
You walk about a foot taller.
If you go for a walk go to page 32.
If you go for a wank go to page 33.
17
You’ve got a big problem.
You take it out on yourself.
You get a bit of string.
You hang yourself on the line.
You fall flat on your arse.
You have got no idea.
If you go jump in the lake go to page 34.
If you go get a change of pants go to page 35.
18
You have to laugh.
You get a pipe.
You take a hit.
You get the feeling everyone is looking at you.
You give them the idea you don’t think they are.
You get the feeling you shit your pants.
If you think you shit your pants go to page 36.
If you think you only farted go to page 37.
19
You remain silent.
You fart.
You keep it quiet.
You smell.
You give the dog a dirty look.
You kick the dog.
If you strangle the dog go to page 38.
If you hang a shit go to page 39.
20
You go and get a pack of cards.
You go and make a house.
You go and blow it all.
You go and play with others.
You have some cents left.
You get a shit hand.
If you give in go to page 40.
If you take a chance go page 41.
21
You go and get a pack of matches.
You go and burn your fingers.
You go and burn a house down.
You go and get a book.
You make a bomb.
You blow your hand off.
If you have one hand left go to page 42.
If you just lost a hand go to page 43.
22
You take the hand.
You get your sister.
You put your sister in a box.
You wait a while.
You open the box.
Your sister has gone.
If you get your sister back go to page 44.
If you bury your sister go to page 45.
23
You take the money.
You get your sister.
You count to ten.
You put your sister to sleep.
You tell her to do something.
You click your fingers.
If you take your sister for a ride go to page 46.
If you give your sister a rest go to page 47.
24
You wipe your arse with your right hand.
You sit on the edge of your seat.
You get a bit of a sore arse.
You hear somebody farted.
You can’t smell anything.
You give your nose a pick.
If you eat boogers go to page 48.
If you hear that you fart go to page 49.
25
You wipe your arse with your left hand.
You eat shit with the other one.
You meet your sister.
You like your sister.
You don’t like her dog either.
You see her on the stairs.
If you take off after your sister go to page 50.
If you take after your sister go to page 51.
26
You eat shit.
You get a bad tooth.
Your face blows up.
You can’t sleep.
You take to drugs.
You get hooked on painkillers.
If you go to a reputable dealer go to page 52.
If you go to a licensed chemist go to page 53.
27
You eat a horse’s arse.
You get a bad heart.
You get a fat arse.
You get a fat gut.
You get a fat face.
You get a pain in the arse.
If you see what’s on television go to page 54.
If you see a doctor go to page 55.
28
You get put in a hospital.
You shit in your hands.
You write on the walls.
You spill your guts.
You get told not to say a thing.
You get hit with a bit of a stick.
If you get better go to page 56.
If you eat butter go to page 57.
29
You get put in a box.
You shit your pants.
You piss yourself.
You get hosed down.
You get a feed.
You get a kick up the arse.
If you chuck a spastic go to page 58.
If you go all floppy and shit go to page 59.
30
You drink the blood of a man.
You hit the streets.
You bump into somebody you don’t know.
You’re reminded of your father.
You burn them.
You hear dying screams.
If you walk on by go to page 60.
If you get off on it go to page 61.
31
You eat the flesh of a man.
You take the life of another.
You eat another alive.
You dirty rat.
You run into some cat.
You climb the walls.
If you chew up the clock go to page 62.
If you face the music go to page 63.
32
You go for a walk.
You bump into your brother.
Your brother stops you in your tracks.
Your sister is having it off with another man.
You go off your trolley.
You find out where they are.
If you tear your sister a new arsehole go to page 64.
If you never had a sister go to page 65.
33
You go for a wank.
You get some porn.
You get a job in the business.
You meet a big businessman.
You get offered some other work.
You could do with the work.
If you go without go to page 66.
If you go with the businessman go to page 67.
34
You go jump in the lake.
You put a rock around your ankle.
You can’t swim.
You take a wrong turn.
You get lost looking.
You get a sore leg.
If you lose the rock go to page 68.
If you lose the leg go to page 69.
35
You go get a change of pants.
You find a nice pair.
You take them.
You take the leg up a little.
You go out on the town.
You stop traffic.
If you go around with friendly strangers go to page 70.
If you go on the straight and narrow go to page 71.
36
You think you shit your pants.
You change your strides.
You take shorter steps.
You put your hand down your pants.
You get a handful of air.
You make a mistake.
If you don’t make mistakes go to page 72.
If you take full responsibility go to page 73.
37
You think you only farted.
You don’t have any solid evidence.
You take a bottle.
You sit on it.
You get off.
You close the lid.
If you lose your bottle go to page 74.
If you find a mark in your undies go to page 75.
38
You strangle the dog.
You kick the cat.
You kick your sister’s ass.
You give it a slap.
You smell a rat.
You set a trap.
If you smell the cheese go to page 76.
If you eat a handful of pellets go to page 77.
39
You hang a shit.
You throw it over your shoulder.
You land in a drinking hole.
You get in a fight.
You take a stick.
You use the stick.
If you go too far go to page 78.
If you go don’t go far enough go to page 79.
40
You give in.
You get shown the door.
You get your finger caught in the door.
You give your right arm to get out.
You put your back out.
You beg for help.
If you take something for nothing go to page 80.
If you give anything for something go to page 81.
41
You take a chance.
You put your arse on the line.
You get lucky.
You shave your arse.
You give some arsehole the shits.
You take a beating off them.
If you go weak at the knees go to page 82.
If you just stand there and take it go to page 83.
42
You have one hand left.
You make a mean cocktail.
You set the joint on fire.
You blow them away.
You get some new shoes.
You put some shit in your hair.
If you smell like shit go to page 84.
If your teeth fall out go to page 85.
43
You just lost a hand.
You might need a hand.
You get strapped for funds.
You get a tap on the shoulder.
You take a look around.
You take a deep breath.
If you hold your breath go to page 86.
If you let one go go to page 87.
44
You get your sister back.
You whack her in the freezer.
You get a cold and hard look.
You dump her on the side of the road.
You get an icy pole.
You get some fish fingers.
If you have them with mayonnaise go to page 88.
If you have them with tomato sauce go to page 89.
45
You bury your sister.
You pick her up out of the corner of your eye.
You drop her like a can of beans.
You ram your fist into her temple.
You jam her head in a vice.
You tighten the screws.
If you go get a saw go to page 90.
If you go get a hammer go to page 91.
46
You take your sister for a ride.
You give her a bunch of five flowers.
You take her out for a meal.
You give her a new dress.
You get in her pants.
You have your way with her.
If you get married go to page 92.
If you get cold feet go to page 93.
47
You give your sister a rest.
You give her a squeeze.
You wrap your fingers around her neck.
You drop her like a sack of meat.
You get itchy in the sack.
You put a bit of cream on it.
If you have nuts go to page 94.
If you are nuts go to page 95.
48
You eat boogers.
You get some stuck in your teeth.
You suck your teeth.
You pull your hair out.
You get a bit of hair.
You clean your teeth.
If you can kiss my arse go to page 96.
If you can suck my balls go to page 97.
49
You hear that you fart.
You sniff around in your undies.
You suck your undies.
You get a taste for farts.
You take a can of beans.
You pay through the arse.
If you eat some beans go to page 98.
If you eat some old fruit go to page 99.
50
You take off after your sister.
You meet her on the roof.
You get met by yaps from the dog.
You have it off with her.
You throw her off the roof.
You throw her dog after her.
If you go down to piss on them go to page 100.
If you go off the roof go to page 101.
51
You take after your sister.
You take out your hair.
You put shit on your face.
You put your legs together.
You open your lips to say nothing.
You wear your tongue out.
If you hang out for fun go to page 102.
If you put your hands together go to page 103.
52
You go to a reputable dealer.
You get screwed in the arse.
You get treated like a cunt.
You suck some serious arsehole.
You take to sucking on cigarettes.
You get a trade.
If you got a ute go to page 104.
If you got a uterus go to page 105.
53
You go to a licensed chemist.
You walk down the aisle.
You get a box full of junk.
You get separated from your money.
You get a headache.
You take a tablet.
If you take a green Mitsubishi go to page 106.
If you take a red Toyota go to page 107.
54
You see what’s on television.
You get square eyes.
You get a square meal.
You put a sausage in your pie-hole.
You get tomato sauce on that shit.
You give the greens the arse.
If you throw up something shocking go to page 108.
If you make me want to vomit go to page 109.
55
You see a doctor.
You ask after your father.
You get laid on a table.
You get the cheque.
You get a peck on the bill.
You get a rectal exam.
If you pass the test go to page 110.
If you take the test again go to page 111.
56
You get better.
You get a belt.
You put your pants back on.
You hold your pants up.
You have a hair out of place.
You pass yourself off as some deity.
If you get followed go to page 112.
If you get led away go to page 113.
57
You eat butter.
You put a clog in your pipes.
You put a sock in your pants.
You take a calf.
You put your head up your arse.
You stop and smell the flowers.
If you pick a flower go to page 114.
If you pick your nose go to page 115.
58
You chuck a spastic.
You throw the toys out of the pram.
You throw the pram out the window.
You get it put into words you understand.
You get quite a shock.
You have quite a hide.
If you get skinned alive go to page 116.
If you get branded a coward go to page 117.
59
You go all floppy and shit.
You dribble down your leg.
You eat a metal pole.
You get laid on your face.
You get your arse slit.
You get a bloody drink.
If you get a Coke go to page 118.
If you get a Pepsi go to page 119.
60
You walk on by.
You run into a pole.
You knock yourself out.
You open your eyes.
You drop your lunch.
You pick up a few coins.
If you make a call go to page 120.
If you keep the change go to page 121.
61
You get off on it.
You pull yourself off.
You keep your shirt on.
Your mother wears army boots.
You wear sensible shoes.
You push on to the end of the road.
If you get a blister go to page 122.
If you get piles go to page 123.
62
You chew up the clock.
You choke on your hands.
You pass the time.
You knit your brow.
You ignore a hole in the wall.
You wriggle your way out of this.
If you eat some arsehole go to page 124.
If you make some beautiful music go to page 125.
63
You face the music.
You make a few notes.
You play the world’s smallest violin.
You tickle yourself pink.
You fall off your chair.
You break a leg.
If you’re leg is screwed go to page 126.
If you break an arm go to page 127.
64
You tear your sister a new arsehole.
You tear her rim from rim.
You grab the arsehole you find her with.
You use the arsehole as a punching bag.
You put your sister down.
You get a finger pointed at you.
If you give your sister a rest go to page 47.
If you face the music go to page 63.
65
You never had a sister.
You take a sister.
You get a hard liquor.
You get a box of plonk.
You get your sister off your face.
You are right where your sister wants you.
If you take your sister for a ride go to page 46.
If you chew up the clock go to page 62.
66
You go without.
You make ends meet somehow.
You eat a whole cow’s anus.
You nibble on your sister’s ear-hole.
You clench your fist around a knocker.
You knock your sister on her head.
If you bury your sister go to page 45.
If you get off on it go to page 61.
67
You go with the businessman.
You get a job given to you.
You take your sister out.
You put poison on your brother’s plate.
You take their breath away.
You pay for your sister’s.
If you get your sister back go to page 44.
If you walk on by go to page 60.
68
You lose the rock.
You find an odd sock.
You whack the rock in the sock.
You swing from the arse.
You get your arse in a tangle.
You screw your hand off.
If you just lost a hand go to page 43.
If you go all floppy and shit go to page 59.
69
You lose the leg.
You suck in the big ones.
You jump around on one leg.
You get your breath back.
You blow into your hand.
You have a big case of halitosis.
If you have one hand left go to page 42.
If you chuck a spastic go to page 58.
70
You go around with friendly strangers.
You get a bunch of five.
You pay through the bloody nose.
You get branded with slag.
You get made a sandwich.
You get a chance to eat margarine.
If you take a chance go to page 41.
If you eat butter go to page 57.
71
You go on the straight and narrow.
You go around the bend.
You hit your head on a brick wall.
You lose your teeth.
You give up on getting them back.
You lose your marbles.
If you give in go to page 40.
If you get better go to page 56.
72
You don’t make mistakes.
You give yourself a clap.
You sit in an empty seat.
You take a sheet of plastic.
You wrap your arse in it.
You let rip with a fart.
If you hang a shit go to page 39.
If you see a doctor go to page 55.
73
You take full responsibility.
You make a big song and dance.
You bow down to receive a hand.
You blow your nose into your hand.
You wipe the smell from your face.
You get heckled by a big-mouthed arsehole.
If you strangle the dog go to page 38.
If you see what’s on television go to page 54.
74
You lose your bottle.
You get a jar.
You shut the door.
You get a knock on the door.
You open the door.
You get nothing but gas.
If you think you only farted go to page 37.
If you go to a licensed chemist go to page 53.
75
You find a mark in your undies.
You find an old scrubber.
You get to work in your undies.
You break the scrubber in two.
You get a warm feeling in your pants.
You get a new scrubber.
If you think you shit your pants go to page 36.
If you go to a reputable dealer go to page 52.
76
You smell the cheese.
You get a mouthful of teat.
You cut a chunk of cheese for your sister.
You make her get the shakes.
You suck something rotten.
You drop your lunch on yourself.
If you go get a change of pants go to page 35.
If you take after your sister go to page 51.
77
You eat a handful of pellets.
You play the mouth organ.
You blow a few chunks.
You sing for your supper.
You save your sister’s arse for after.
You swim in money.
If you go jump in the lake go to page 34.
If you take off after your sister go to page 50.
78
You go too far.
You beat off this arsehole’s face.
You get a taste for this shit.
You knock off some old fruit.
You go into some arsehole’s kitchen.
You take a leak in the fridge.
If you go for a wank go to page 33.
If you hear that you fart go to page 49.
79
You don’t go far enough.
You get cut up over it.
You lose a lot of face.
You sew your arse over your head.
You get a mouthful of fluff.
You get a trim in your nose.
If you go for a walk go to page 32.
If you eat boogers go to page 48.
80
You take something for nothing.
You take a foot up the arse.
You give a yelp.
You tell someone who really cares.
You get handed some arsehole on a plate.
You get passed a whole bunch of bread.
If you take the money go to page 23.
If you eat the flesh of a man go to page 31.
81
You give anything for something.
You get branded with hot stuff.
You take it on the chin.
You get given a warm crap.
You take a bloody foot in the mouth.
You get given an open hand in the face.
If you take the hand go to page 22.
If you drink the blood of a man go to page 30.
82
You go weak at the knees.
You lose the contents of your bladder.
You take it out on a flying rat.
You get a burst appendix.
You take your tonsils out.
You pour alcohol down your throat.
If you go and get a pack of matches go to page 21.
If you get put in a box go to page 29.
83
You just stand there and take it.
You lose the contents of your mind.
You get your brain handed to you in a jar of pickles.
You get your arse back in a hat.
You strain your groin getting dressed.
You pick out a pair of leather pants.
If you go and get a pack of cards go to page 20.
If you get put in a hospital go to page 28.
84
You smell like shit.
You run your fingers through your hair.
You cut it with a knife.
You take a vegetable peeler to your face.
You pluck your arse out.
You get a few whacks around your horse’s arse.
If you remain silent go to page 19.
If you eat a horse’s arse go to page 27.
85
Your teeth fall out.
You suck shit through a straw.
You get a big fat bloody lip.
You take some old cunt’s teeth.
You cut a gash where your teeth go.
You put the cunt’s teeth in your gash.
If you have to laugh go to page 18.
If you eat shit go to page 26.
86
You hold your breath.
You shut your eyes.
You go to the toilet.
You pull your pants down.
You get bent over nothing in particular.
You get a lump in your throat.
If you got a big problem go to page 17.
If you wipe your arse with your left hand go to page 25.
87
You let one go.
You put a sock in it.
You just shut your fucking face.
You bend over backwards to chew your arse out.
You spit your ears out.
You run out of toilet paper.
If you got a big idea go to page 16.
If you wipe your arse with your right hand go to page 24.
88
You have them with mayonnaise.
You drop the lot on your foot.
You toss up using a bad word.
You bite your tongue.
You use another bad word.
You use it every day.
If you get your sister go to page 11.
If you go to church go to page 15.
89
You have them with tomato sauce.
You dip your fingers in the shit.
You stuff your face with your fingers.
You get a floppy one.
You throw it over your shoulder.
You get a stiff one.
If you get a pigeon go to page 10.
If you go to school go to page 14.
90
You go get a hammer.
You bite your nails.
You take your thumb off.
You blow it out your arse.
You get a lump in your throat.
You open your bowels out the window.
If you hang out with friends go to page 9.
If you take a piss go to page 13.
91
You go get a saw.
You drop an axe on the top of your foot.
You put a bad word on the tip of your tongue.
You get an infection in your gash.
You get some arsehole to clean it up.
You wrap yourself up like a mummy.
If you hang out by yourself go to page 8.
If you take a shit go to page 12.
92
You get married.
You get down on one knee.
You give yourself away.
You get a knee in the nose.
You walk the streets with a broken nose.
You eat a load of pellets.
If you turn to tricks go to page 5.
If you get told you’re something of a chicken go to page 7.
93
You get cold feet.
You take off your socks.
You put a ring around your thing.
You get a couple of kids.
You get a joint the size of a house.
You get genital warts on your lips.
If you take it out on a cat go to page 4.
If you get told you’re something of a mongrel go to page 6.
94
You have nuts.
You get a sprinkle.
You get hundreds and thousands.
You get a cherry on the top.
You pull a silver spoon out.
You scoop your arse out.
If you take after your mum go to page 2.
If you take after your dad go to page 3.
95
You are nuts.
You pull a door off at the handle.
You tear your eyes out of your head.
You blow your nostrils out.
You pull your socks up over your head.
You pop your head in the door.
If you live in a squat go to page 0.
If you live in a flat go to page 1.
96
You can kiss my arse.
You make yourself a cup of tea.
You take it white with two.
You blow hot chocolate until its cool.
You get a hair stuck in your teeth.
You play the trombone blindfolded over your sister’s head.
If you face the music go to page 63.
If you give your sister a rest go to page 47.
97
You can suck my balls.
You eat a load of beans.
You wash your mouth out with soap.
You do a load of your own washing.
You wait for the cycle to finish.
You sell some sucker a dodgy time-piece.
If you chew up the clock go to page 62.
If you take your sister for a ride go to page 46.
98
You eat some beans.
You could really use a fork and spoon.
You use your fucking hand.
You blow your nose with the other one.
You dig a hole for yourself.
You say your prayers.
If you get off on it go to page 61.
If you bury your sister go to page 45.
99
You eat some old fruit.
You get a pain in the arse.
You make them pay for it.
You take a card between your arse cheeks.
You blow the lot on biscuits.
You get beaten by your sister to the toilet.
If you walk on by go to page 60.
If you get your sister back go to page 44.
100
You go down to piss on them.
You take down your pants.
You walk just that little bit taller.
You urinate on a stiff.
You go up to the roof to get your pants.
You get your hand stuck in the lift.
If you go all floppy and shit go to page 59.
If you just lost a hand go to page 43.
101
You go off the roof.
You break your fall on some fruit.
You get a lump in your throat.
You pass a pile of old bananas.
You put your foot in it.
You lose your hand trying to pull your foot out.
If you chuck a spastic go to page 58.
If you have one hand left go to page 42.
102
You hang out for fun.
You meet mean mothers claiming to be your uncles.
You get poked and prodded.
You get picked up by your mother-fucking uncles.
You take a blade to your throat.
You cough up a mouthful of green.
If you eat butter go to page 57.
If you take a chance go to page 41.
103
You put your hands together.
You wave them around like you just don’t care.
You get wrapped up in a roll of tape.
You draw the attention of a pack of rats.
You let them eat the meat in your pants.
You sing out if it’s eating you up inside.
If you get better go to page 56.
If you give in go to page 40.
104
You got a ute.
You bust up some horse with a pipe.
You face a lengthy sentence.
You read the writing on the wall.
You get a short sentence.
You eat arseholes like you for breakfast.
If you see a doctor go to page 55.
If you hang a shit go to page 39.
105
You got a uterus.
You go down the tubes.
You tie a ribbon around your bum.
You cut your hair with a knife.
You scratch your arse out with a claw hammer.
You nail your brother’s eyes to the wall.
If you see what’s on television go to page 54.
If you strangle the dog go to page 38.
106
You take a green Mitsubishi.
You spew up a mouthful of maggots.
You shit out a handful of flies.
You get this shoe on the road.
You wear a hole in your eye-socket.
You get a stinking sore on your arse.
If you go to a licensed chemist go to page 53.
If you think you only farted go to page 37.
107
You take a red Toyota.
You rest your eyes where you’re sitting.
You crash your arse in a ditch.
You light a fire in your pants.
You put yourself out.
You more than just a regular cat.
If you go to a reputable dealer go to page 52.
If you think you shit your pants go to page 36.
108
You throw up something shocking.
You get a hang up about your ankles.
You drop your guts all over the place.
You curse your blinking luck.
You cover a few feet with your strides.
You catch yourself on a hook.
If you take after your sister go to page 51.
If you go get a change of pants go to page 35.
109
You make me want to vomit.
You fetch me a bucket.
You get lost along the way.
You find a plastic bag over your head.
You get rocked in an old fridge.
You get pushed down an inclination.
If you take off after your sister go to page 50.
If you go jump in the lake go to page 34.
110
You pass the test.
You breathe easily.
You pump your fist.
You scrunch up your face.
You produce a packet of cigarettes.
You blow it out your arse.
If you hear that you fart go to page 49.
If you go for a wank go to page 33.
111
You take the test again.
You get the same result.
You put some cleaner in a pipe.
You dance around with a pole.
You work overtime to keep your job.
You run out of tissues.
If you eat boogers go to page 48.
If you go for a walk go to page 32.
112
You get followed.
You make the ultimate sacrifice.
You slaughter some little kid.
You lead them to believe it’s good.
You lay a hand on them.
You make it your business to take lives.
If you eat the flesh of a man go to page 31.
If you take the money go to page 23.
113
You get led away.
You get some maggot on your tail.
You get a fly blow out your arse.
You swat the fuck.
You get another maggot up your arse.
You get a hand laid on your pie-hole.
If you drink the blood of a man go to page 30.
If you take the hand go to page 22.
114
You pick a flower.
You make an arrangement.
You break it off.
You pick another.
You make other arrangements.
You pour your perfume over your whole body.
If you get put in a box go to page 29.
If you go and get a pack of matches go to page 21.
115
You pick your nose.
You can’t smell a thing.
You try a little booger.
You prefer fucking little ones.
You get a bigger booger.
You pick your brain out.
If you get put in a hospital go to page 28.
If you go and get a pack of cards go to page 20.
116
You get skinned alive.
You get nailed between the eyes.
You lose control of your bladder.
You eat the gutter.
You wince your leg over your head.
You make a quiet snack.
If you eat a horse’s arse go to page 27.
If you remain silent go to page 19.
117
You get branded a coward.
You make a bit of noise about it.
You get your arse owned by the brand you buy.
You give up without much of a fart.
You get cut up in the end.
You wear yourself out for starters.
If you eat shit go to page 26.
If you have to laugh go to page 18.
118
You get a Coke.
You score a piece of meat.
You bang it in the oven.
You score a piece of arse.
You make it last all night.
You wake up with a pain in the arse.
If you wipe your arse with your left hand go to page 25.
If you got a big problem go to page 17.
119
You get a Pepsi.
You buy some ice.
You lose a few kilos.
You get insects crawling under your skin.
You smoke them out.
You sit in the can.
If you wipe your arse with your right hand go to page 24.
If you got a big idea go to page 16.
120
You make a call.
You get a bad reception.
You get a signal.
You speak to the man upstairs.
You do all the talking.
You talk out your arse.
If you go to church go to page 15.
If you get your sister go to page 11.
121
You keep the change.
You stick it in a special place.
You rub two cents together.
You get followed around by a bad smell.
You get a call from the rear.
You clap yourself with one hand.
If you go to school go to page 14.
If you get a pigeon go to page 10.
122
You get a blister.
You dress your wound.
You wear your mum’s pants.
You put some padding in your pants.
You put a hole in your pants.
You open up the old wound.
If you take a piss go to page 13.
If you hang out with friends go to page 9.
123
You get piles.
You cover your own arse.
You have had a gutful of this.
You take a shit on the cold concrete.
You place it next to your pillow.
You do a load of dirty sheets.
If you take a shit go to page 12.
If you hang out by yourself go to page 8.
124
You eat some arsehole.
You gnaw away at their ears.
You chew your arse off.
You suck Coke in the can through a straw.
You spit in the can.
You get a kick in the bum.
If you get told you’re something of a chicken go to page 7.
If you turn to tricks go to page 5.
125
You make some beautiful music.
You play all by yourself.
You hit all the white notes.
You hold your tongue.
You must have absolute silence.
You shoot off your elephant’s mouth.
If you get told you’re something of a mongrel go to page 6.
If you take it out on a cat go to page 4.
126
Your leg is screwed.
You lean on the other one.
You pull the other one.
You walk with a limp.
You fuck your hand somehow.
You have a wank over yourself.
If you take after your dad go to page 3.
If you take after your mum go to page 2.
127
You break an arm.
You get a shake in your hand.
You suck tits through a hole in your head.
You tie a sheet around it.
You let slip a few choice words.
You crack your head falling down the stairs.
If you live in a flat go to page 1.
If you live in a squat go to page 0.
You live in a flat.
You live with your mum.
You live with your dad.
You live with your brothers.
You live with your sisters.
You don’t know what to make of this.
If you take after your mum go to page 2.
If you take after your dad go to page 3.
2
You take after your mum.
Your dad beats the shit out of your mum.
Your dad takes off after you.
Your mum beats the shit out of your brother.
Your dad beats the shit out of you.
You don’t know how to take this.
If you take it out on a cat go to page 4.
If you turn to tricks to page 5.
3
You take after your dad.
Your dad beats the shit of your sister.
Your mum takes off after you.
Your dad beats the shit out of your brother.
Your mum beats the shit out of you.
You don’t know how to take this.
If you get to told you’re something of a mongrel go to page 6.
If you get told you’re something of a chicken go to page 7.
4
You take it out on a cat.
You take a cat.
You take another cat.
You tie their tails together.
You hang them on the line.
You leave them alone.
If you hang out by yourself go to page 8.
If you hang out with friends go to page 9.
5
You turn to tricks.
You take a rabbit.
You take a hat.
You take the rabbit of the hat.
You take it to the streets.
You make a killing.
If you get a pigeon go to page 10.
If you get a girl go to page 11.
6
You get told you’re something of a mongrel.
You get half a mongrel.
You get another half a mongrel.
You put two and two together.
You dig a bit of a pit.
You sit a bit in the pit.
If you take a shit go to page 12.
If you take a piss go to page 13.
7
You get told you’re something of a chicken.
You get to thinking you are.
You take to books, books, and more books.
You take to thinking in terms of words.
You learn as much shit as you can.
You keep it to yourself.
If you go to school go to page 14.
If you go to church go to page 15.
8
You hang out by yourself.
You get met by a bully.
You get the shit beaten out of you.
You get used to it.
You get made a fool of.
You can’t take it.
If you’ve got a big idea go to page 16.
If you’ve got a big problem go to page 17.
9
You hang out with friends.
You run into a kid on their own.
You give them a fat lip.
You give them a black eye.
You give them a blood nose.
You tie their shoes together.
If you have to laugh go to page 18.
If you have to remain silent go to page 19.
10
You get a pigeon.
You stuff it in your pants.
You wave your hands.
You say the magic words.
You don’t know what to say.
You kill the pigeon.
If you go and get a pack of cards go to page 20.
If you go and get a pack of matches go to page 21.
11
You get your sister.
You cut her in half.
You pull her apart.
You wave your magic wand.
You put her back together.
You get a clap.
If you take the hand go to page 22.
If you take the money go to page 23.
12
You take a shit.
You get a good whiff.
You get a sore arse.
You make a bit of a splash.
You piss on your shit.
You run out of toilet paper.
If you wipe your arse with your right hand go to page 24.
If you wipe your arse with your left hand go to page 25.
13
You take a piss.
You might want to sit down for this.
You might want to pass wind.
You might want to piss blood.
You might want to get some fresh air.
You might want to get something to eat.
If you eat shit go to page 26.
If you eat a horse’s arse go to page 27.
14
You go to school.
You scribble pictures in books.
You get books to take home.
You put a hole in your pants.
You get to block out your mum.
You get to shut your dad out.
If you get put in hospital go to page 28.
If you get put in a box go to page 29.
15
You go to church.
You get to sing songs.
You get given something to read.
You get to see some pictures.
You get to hear stories.
You get to drink alcohol.
If you drink the blood of a man go to page 30.
If you eat flesh of a man go to page 31.
16
You’ve got a big idea.
You get a bit of pipe.
You get the bully.
You give them a beating you won’t forget.
You won’t have to remind them either.
You walk about a foot taller.
If you go for a walk go to page 32.
If you go for a wank go to page 33.
17
You’ve got a big problem.
You take it out on yourself.
You get a bit of string.
You hang yourself on the line.
You fall flat on your arse.
You have got no idea.
If you go jump in the lake go to page 34.
If you go get a change of pants go to page 35.
18
You have to laugh.
You get a pipe.
You take a hit.
You get the feeling everyone is looking at you.
You give them the idea you don’t think they are.
You get the feeling you shit your pants.
If you think you shit your pants go to page 36.
If you think you only farted go to page 37.
19
You remain silent.
You fart.
You keep it quiet.
You smell.
You give the dog a dirty look.
You kick the dog.
If you strangle the dog go to page 38.
If you hang a shit go to page 39.
20
You go and get a pack of cards.
You go and make a house.
You go and blow it all.
You go and play with others.
You have some cents left.
You get a shit hand.
If you give in go to page 40.
If you take a chance go page 41.
21
You go and get a pack of matches.
You go and burn your fingers.
You go and burn a house down.
You go and get a book.
You make a bomb.
You blow your hand off.
If you have one hand left go to page 42.
If you just lost a hand go to page 43.
22
You take the hand.
You get your sister.
You put your sister in a box.
You wait a while.
You open the box.
Your sister has gone.
If you get your sister back go to page 44.
If you bury your sister go to page 45.
23
You take the money.
You get your sister.
You count to ten.
You put your sister to sleep.
You tell her to do something.
You click your fingers.
If you take your sister for a ride go to page 46.
If you give your sister a rest go to page 47.
24
You wipe your arse with your right hand.
You sit on the edge of your seat.
You get a bit of a sore arse.
You hear somebody farted.
You can’t smell anything.
You give your nose a pick.
If you eat boogers go to page 48.
If you hear that you fart go to page 49.
25
You wipe your arse with your left hand.
You eat shit with the other one.
You meet your sister.
You like your sister.
You don’t like her dog either.
You see her on the stairs.
If you take off after your sister go to page 50.
If you take after your sister go to page 51.
26
You eat shit.
You get a bad tooth.
Your face blows up.
You can’t sleep.
You take to drugs.
You get hooked on painkillers.
If you go to a reputable dealer go to page 52.
If you go to a licensed chemist go to page 53.
27
You eat a horse’s arse.
You get a bad heart.
You get a fat arse.
You get a fat gut.
You get a fat face.
You get a pain in the arse.
If you see what’s on television go to page 54.
If you see a doctor go to page 55.
28
You get put in a hospital.
You shit in your hands.
You write on the walls.
You spill your guts.
You get told not to say a thing.
You get hit with a bit of a stick.
If you get better go to page 56.
If you eat butter go to page 57.
29
You get put in a box.
You shit your pants.
You piss yourself.
You get hosed down.
You get a feed.
You get a kick up the arse.
If you chuck a spastic go to page 58.
If you go all floppy and shit go to page 59.
30
You drink the blood of a man.
You hit the streets.
You bump into somebody you don’t know.
You’re reminded of your father.
You burn them.
You hear dying screams.
If you walk on by go to page 60.
If you get off on it go to page 61.
31
You eat the flesh of a man.
You take the life of another.
You eat another alive.
You dirty rat.
You run into some cat.
You climb the walls.
If you chew up the clock go to page 62.
If you face the music go to page 63.
32
You go for a walk.
You bump into your brother.
Your brother stops you in your tracks.
Your sister is having it off with another man.
You go off your trolley.
You find out where they are.
If you tear your sister a new arsehole go to page 64.
If you never had a sister go to page 65.
33
You go for a wank.
You get some porn.
You get a job in the business.
You meet a big businessman.
You get offered some other work.
You could do with the work.
If you go without go to page 66.
If you go with the businessman go to page 67.
34
You go jump in the lake.
You put a rock around your ankle.
You can’t swim.
You take a wrong turn.
You get lost looking.
You get a sore leg.
If you lose the rock go to page 68.
If you lose the leg go to page 69.
35
You go get a change of pants.
You find a nice pair.
You take them.
You take the leg up a little.
You go out on the town.
You stop traffic.
If you go around with friendly strangers go to page 70.
If you go on the straight and narrow go to page 71.
36
You think you shit your pants.
You change your strides.
You take shorter steps.
You put your hand down your pants.
You get a handful of air.
You make a mistake.
If you don’t make mistakes go to page 72.
If you take full responsibility go to page 73.
37
You think you only farted.
You don’t have any solid evidence.
You take a bottle.
You sit on it.
You get off.
You close the lid.
If you lose your bottle go to page 74.
If you find a mark in your undies go to page 75.
38
You strangle the dog.
You kick the cat.
You kick your sister’s ass.
You give it a slap.
You smell a rat.
You set a trap.
If you smell the cheese go to page 76.
If you eat a handful of pellets go to page 77.
39
You hang a shit.
You throw it over your shoulder.
You land in a drinking hole.
You get in a fight.
You take a stick.
You use the stick.
If you go too far go to page 78.
If you go don’t go far enough go to page 79.
40
You give in.
You get shown the door.
You get your finger caught in the door.
You give your right arm to get out.
You put your back out.
You beg for help.
If you take something for nothing go to page 80.
If you give anything for something go to page 81.
41
You take a chance.
You put your arse on the line.
You get lucky.
You shave your arse.
You give some arsehole the shits.
You take a beating off them.
If you go weak at the knees go to page 82.
If you just stand there and take it go to page 83.
42
You have one hand left.
You make a mean cocktail.
You set the joint on fire.
You blow them away.
You get some new shoes.
You put some shit in your hair.
If you smell like shit go to page 84.
If your teeth fall out go to page 85.
43
You just lost a hand.
You might need a hand.
You get strapped for funds.
You get a tap on the shoulder.
You take a look around.
You take a deep breath.
If you hold your breath go to page 86.
If you let one go go to page 87.
44
You get your sister back.
You whack her in the freezer.
You get a cold and hard look.
You dump her on the side of the road.
You get an icy pole.
You get some fish fingers.
If you have them with mayonnaise go to page 88.
If you have them with tomato sauce go to page 89.
45
You bury your sister.
You pick her up out of the corner of your eye.
You drop her like a can of beans.
You ram your fist into her temple.
You jam her head in a vice.
You tighten the screws.
If you go get a saw go to page 90.
If you go get a hammer go to page 91.
46
You take your sister for a ride.
You give her a bunch of five flowers.
You take her out for a meal.
You give her a new dress.
You get in her pants.
You have your way with her.
If you get married go to page 92.
If you get cold feet go to page 93.
47
You give your sister a rest.
You give her a squeeze.
You wrap your fingers around her neck.
You drop her like a sack of meat.
You get itchy in the sack.
You put a bit of cream on it.
If you have nuts go to page 94.
If you are nuts go to page 95.
48
You eat boogers.
You get some stuck in your teeth.
You suck your teeth.
You pull your hair out.
You get a bit of hair.
You clean your teeth.
If you can kiss my arse go to page 96.
If you can suck my balls go to page 97.
49
You hear that you fart.
You sniff around in your undies.
You suck your undies.
You get a taste for farts.
You take a can of beans.
You pay through the arse.
If you eat some beans go to page 98.
If you eat some old fruit go to page 99.
50
You take off after your sister.
You meet her on the roof.
You get met by yaps from the dog.
You have it off with her.
You throw her off the roof.
You throw her dog after her.
If you go down to piss on them go to page 100.
If you go off the roof go to page 101.
51
You take after your sister.
You take out your hair.
You put shit on your face.
You put your legs together.
You open your lips to say nothing.
You wear your tongue out.
If you hang out for fun go to page 102.
If you put your hands together go to page 103.
52
You go to a reputable dealer.
You get screwed in the arse.
You get treated like a cunt.
You suck some serious arsehole.
You take to sucking on cigarettes.
You get a trade.
If you got a ute go to page 104.
If you got a uterus go to page 105.
53
You go to a licensed chemist.
You walk down the aisle.
You get a box full of junk.
You get separated from your money.
You get a headache.
You take a tablet.
If you take a green Mitsubishi go to page 106.
If you take a red Toyota go to page 107.
54
You see what’s on television.
You get square eyes.
You get a square meal.
You put a sausage in your pie-hole.
You get tomato sauce on that shit.
You give the greens the arse.
If you throw up something shocking go to page 108.
If you make me want to vomit go to page 109.
55
You see a doctor.
You ask after your father.
You get laid on a table.
You get the cheque.
You get a peck on the bill.
You get a rectal exam.
If you pass the test go to page 110.
If you take the test again go to page 111.
56
You get better.
You get a belt.
You put your pants back on.
You hold your pants up.
You have a hair out of place.
You pass yourself off as some deity.
If you get followed go to page 112.
If you get led away go to page 113.
57
You eat butter.
You put a clog in your pipes.
You put a sock in your pants.
You take a calf.
You put your head up your arse.
You stop and smell the flowers.
If you pick a flower go to page 114.
If you pick your nose go to page 115.
58
You chuck a spastic.
You throw the toys out of the pram.
You throw the pram out the window.
You get it put into words you understand.
You get quite a shock.
You have quite a hide.
If you get skinned alive go to page 116.
If you get branded a coward go to page 117.
59
You go all floppy and shit.
You dribble down your leg.
You eat a metal pole.
You get laid on your face.
You get your arse slit.
You get a bloody drink.
If you get a Coke go to page 118.
If you get a Pepsi go to page 119.
60
You walk on by.
You run into a pole.
You knock yourself out.
You open your eyes.
You drop your lunch.
You pick up a few coins.
If you make a call go to page 120.
If you keep the change go to page 121.
61
You get off on it.
You pull yourself off.
You keep your shirt on.
Your mother wears army boots.
You wear sensible shoes.
You push on to the end of the road.
If you get a blister go to page 122.
If you get piles go to page 123.
62
You chew up the clock.
You choke on your hands.
You pass the time.
You knit your brow.
You ignore a hole in the wall.
You wriggle your way out of this.
If you eat some arsehole go to page 124.
If you make some beautiful music go to page 125.
63
You face the music.
You make a few notes.
You play the world’s smallest violin.
You tickle yourself pink.
You fall off your chair.
You break a leg.
If you’re leg is screwed go to page 126.
If you break an arm go to page 127.
64
You tear your sister a new arsehole.
You tear her rim from rim.
You grab the arsehole you find her with.
You use the arsehole as a punching bag.
You put your sister down.
You get a finger pointed at you.
If you give your sister a rest go to page 47.
If you face the music go to page 63.
65
You never had a sister.
You take a sister.
You get a hard liquor.
You get a box of plonk.
You get your sister off your face.
You are right where your sister wants you.
If you take your sister for a ride go to page 46.
If you chew up the clock go to page 62.
66
You go without.
You make ends meet somehow.
You eat a whole cow’s anus.
You nibble on your sister’s ear-hole.
You clench your fist around a knocker.
You knock your sister on her head.
If you bury your sister go to page 45.
If you get off on it go to page 61.
67
You go with the businessman.
You get a job given to you.
You take your sister out.
You put poison on your brother’s plate.
You take their breath away.
You pay for your sister’s.
If you get your sister back go to page 44.
If you walk on by go to page 60.
68
You lose the rock.
You find an odd sock.
You whack the rock in the sock.
You swing from the arse.
You get your arse in a tangle.
You screw your hand off.
If you just lost a hand go to page 43.
If you go all floppy and shit go to page 59.
69
You lose the leg.
You suck in the big ones.
You jump around on one leg.
You get your breath back.
You blow into your hand.
You have a big case of halitosis.
If you have one hand left go to page 42.
If you chuck a spastic go to page 58.
70
You go around with friendly strangers.
You get a bunch of five.
You pay through the bloody nose.
You get branded with slag.
You get made a sandwich.
You get a chance to eat margarine.
If you take a chance go to page 41.
If you eat butter go to page 57.
71
You go on the straight and narrow.
You go around the bend.
You hit your head on a brick wall.
You lose your teeth.
You give up on getting them back.
You lose your marbles.
If you give in go to page 40.
If you get better go to page 56.
72
You don’t make mistakes.
You give yourself a clap.
You sit in an empty seat.
You take a sheet of plastic.
You wrap your arse in it.
You let rip with a fart.
If you hang a shit go to page 39.
If you see a doctor go to page 55.
73
You take full responsibility.
You make a big song and dance.
You bow down to receive a hand.
You blow your nose into your hand.
You wipe the smell from your face.
You get heckled by a big-mouthed arsehole.
If you strangle the dog go to page 38.
If you see what’s on television go to page 54.
74
You lose your bottle.
You get a jar.
You shut the door.
You get a knock on the door.
You open the door.
You get nothing but gas.
If you think you only farted go to page 37.
If you go to a licensed chemist go to page 53.
75
You find a mark in your undies.
You find an old scrubber.
You get to work in your undies.
You break the scrubber in two.
You get a warm feeling in your pants.
You get a new scrubber.
If you think you shit your pants go to page 36.
If you go to a reputable dealer go to page 52.
76
You smell the cheese.
You get a mouthful of teat.
You cut a chunk of cheese for your sister.
You make her get the shakes.
You suck something rotten.
You drop your lunch on yourself.
If you go get a change of pants go to page 35.
If you take after your sister go to page 51.
77
You eat a handful of pellets.
You play the mouth organ.
You blow a few chunks.
You sing for your supper.
You save your sister’s arse for after.
You swim in money.
If you go jump in the lake go to page 34.
If you take off after your sister go to page 50.
78
You go too far.
You beat off this arsehole’s face.
You get a taste for this shit.
You knock off some old fruit.
You go into some arsehole’s kitchen.
You take a leak in the fridge.
If you go for a wank go to page 33.
If you hear that you fart go to page 49.
79
You don’t go far enough.
You get cut up over it.
You lose a lot of face.
You sew your arse over your head.
You get a mouthful of fluff.
You get a trim in your nose.
If you go for a walk go to page 32.
If you eat boogers go to page 48.
80
You take something for nothing.
You take a foot up the arse.
You give a yelp.
You tell someone who really cares.
You get handed some arsehole on a plate.
You get passed a whole bunch of bread.
If you take the money go to page 23.
If you eat the flesh of a man go to page 31.
81
You give anything for something.
You get branded with hot stuff.
You take it on the chin.
You get given a warm crap.
You take a bloody foot in the mouth.
You get given an open hand in the face.
If you take the hand go to page 22.
If you drink the blood of a man go to page 30.
82
You go weak at the knees.
You lose the contents of your bladder.
You take it out on a flying rat.
You get a burst appendix.
You take your tonsils out.
You pour alcohol down your throat.
If you go and get a pack of matches go to page 21.
If you get put in a box go to page 29.
83
You just stand there and take it.
You lose the contents of your mind.
You get your brain handed to you in a jar of pickles.
You get your arse back in a hat.
You strain your groin getting dressed.
You pick out a pair of leather pants.
If you go and get a pack of cards go to page 20.
If you get put in a hospital go to page 28.
84
You smell like shit.
You run your fingers through your hair.
You cut it with a knife.
You take a vegetable peeler to your face.
You pluck your arse out.
You get a few whacks around your horse’s arse.
If you remain silent go to page 19.
If you eat a horse’s arse go to page 27.
85
Your teeth fall out.
You suck shit through a straw.
You get a big fat bloody lip.
You take some old cunt’s teeth.
You cut a gash where your teeth go.
You put the cunt’s teeth in your gash.
If you have to laugh go to page 18.
If you eat shit go to page 26.
86
You hold your breath.
You shut your eyes.
You go to the toilet.
You pull your pants down.
You get bent over nothing in particular.
You get a lump in your throat.
If you got a big problem go to page 17.
If you wipe your arse with your left hand go to page 25.
87
You let one go.
You put a sock in it.
You just shut your fucking face.
You bend over backwards to chew your arse out.
You spit your ears out.
You run out of toilet paper.
If you got a big idea go to page 16.
If you wipe your arse with your right hand go to page 24.
88
You have them with mayonnaise.
You drop the lot on your foot.
You toss up using a bad word.
You bite your tongue.
You use another bad word.
You use it every day.
If you get your sister go to page 11.
If you go to church go to page 15.
89
You have them with tomato sauce.
You dip your fingers in the shit.
You stuff your face with your fingers.
You get a floppy one.
You throw it over your shoulder.
You get a stiff one.
If you get a pigeon go to page 10.
If you go to school go to page 14.
90
You go get a hammer.
You bite your nails.
You take your thumb off.
You blow it out your arse.
You get a lump in your throat.
You open your bowels out the window.
If you hang out with friends go to page 9.
If you take a piss go to page 13.
91
You go get a saw.
You drop an axe on the top of your foot.
You put a bad word on the tip of your tongue.
You get an infection in your gash.
You get some arsehole to clean it up.
You wrap yourself up like a mummy.
If you hang out by yourself go to page 8.
If you take a shit go to page 12.
92
You get married.
You get down on one knee.
You give yourself away.
You get a knee in the nose.
You walk the streets with a broken nose.
You eat a load of pellets.
If you turn to tricks go to page 5.
If you get told you’re something of a chicken go to page 7.
93
You get cold feet.
You take off your socks.
You put a ring around your thing.
You get a couple of kids.
You get a joint the size of a house.
You get genital warts on your lips.
If you take it out on a cat go to page 4.
If you get told you’re something of a mongrel go to page 6.
94
You have nuts.
You get a sprinkle.
You get hundreds and thousands.
You get a cherry on the top.
You pull a silver spoon out.
You scoop your arse out.
If you take after your mum go to page 2.
If you take after your dad go to page 3.
95
You are nuts.
You pull a door off at the handle.
You tear your eyes out of your head.
You blow your nostrils out.
You pull your socks up over your head.
You pop your head in the door.
If you live in a squat go to page 0.
If you live in a flat go to page 1.
96
You can kiss my arse.
You make yourself a cup of tea.
You take it white with two.
You blow hot chocolate until its cool.
You get a hair stuck in your teeth.
You play the trombone blindfolded over your sister’s head.
If you face the music go to page 63.
If you give your sister a rest go to page 47.
97
You can suck my balls.
You eat a load of beans.
You wash your mouth out with soap.
You do a load of your own washing.
You wait for the cycle to finish.
You sell some sucker a dodgy time-piece.
If you chew up the clock go to page 62.
If you take your sister for a ride go to page 46.
98
You eat some beans.
You could really use a fork and spoon.
You use your fucking hand.
You blow your nose with the other one.
You dig a hole for yourself.
You say your prayers.
If you get off on it go to page 61.
If you bury your sister go to page 45.
99
You eat some old fruit.
You get a pain in the arse.
You make them pay for it.
You take a card between your arse cheeks.
You blow the lot on biscuits.
You get beaten by your sister to the toilet.
If you walk on by go to page 60.
If you get your sister back go to page 44.
100
You go down to piss on them.
You take down your pants.
You walk just that little bit taller.
You urinate on a stiff.
You go up to the roof to get your pants.
You get your hand stuck in the lift.
If you go all floppy and shit go to page 59.
If you just lost a hand go to page 43.
101
You go off the roof.
You break your fall on some fruit.
You get a lump in your throat.
You pass a pile of old bananas.
You put your foot in it.
You lose your hand trying to pull your foot out.
If you chuck a spastic go to page 58.
If you have one hand left go to page 42.
102
You hang out for fun.
You meet mean mothers claiming to be your uncles.
You get poked and prodded.
You get picked up by your mother-fucking uncles.
You take a blade to your throat.
You cough up a mouthful of green.
If you eat butter go to page 57.
If you take a chance go to page 41.
103
You put your hands together.
You wave them around like you just don’t care.
You get wrapped up in a roll of tape.
You draw the attention of a pack of rats.
You let them eat the meat in your pants.
You sing out if it’s eating you up inside.
If you get better go to page 56.
If you give in go to page 40.
104
You got a ute.
You bust up some horse with a pipe.
You face a lengthy sentence.
You read the writing on the wall.
You get a short sentence.
You eat arseholes like you for breakfast.
If you see a doctor go to page 55.
If you hang a shit go to page 39.
105
You got a uterus.
You go down the tubes.
You tie a ribbon around your bum.
You cut your hair with a knife.
You scratch your arse out with a claw hammer.
You nail your brother’s eyes to the wall.
If you see what’s on television go to page 54.
If you strangle the dog go to page 38.
106
You take a green Mitsubishi.
You spew up a mouthful of maggots.
You shit out a handful of flies.
You get this shoe on the road.
You wear a hole in your eye-socket.
You get a stinking sore on your arse.
If you go to a licensed chemist go to page 53.
If you think you only farted go to page 37.
107
You take a red Toyota.
You rest your eyes where you’re sitting.
You crash your arse in a ditch.
You light a fire in your pants.
You put yourself out.
You more than just a regular cat.
If you go to a reputable dealer go to page 52.
If you think you shit your pants go to page 36.
108
You throw up something shocking.
You get a hang up about your ankles.
You drop your guts all over the place.
You curse your blinking luck.
You cover a few feet with your strides.
You catch yourself on a hook.
If you take after your sister go to page 51.
If you go get a change of pants go to page 35.
109
You make me want to vomit.
You fetch me a bucket.
You get lost along the way.
You find a plastic bag over your head.
You get rocked in an old fridge.
You get pushed down an inclination.
If you take off after your sister go to page 50.
If you go jump in the lake go to page 34.
110
You pass the test.
You breathe easily.
You pump your fist.
You scrunch up your face.
You produce a packet of cigarettes.
You blow it out your arse.
If you hear that you fart go to page 49.
If you go for a wank go to page 33.
111
You take the test again.
You get the same result.
You put some cleaner in a pipe.
You dance around with a pole.
You work overtime to keep your job.
You run out of tissues.
If you eat boogers go to page 48.
If you go for a walk go to page 32.
112
You get followed.
You make the ultimate sacrifice.
You slaughter some little kid.
You lead them to believe it’s good.
You lay a hand on them.
You make it your business to take lives.
If you eat the flesh of a man go to page 31.
If you take the money go to page 23.
113
You get led away.
You get some maggot on your tail.
You get a fly blow out your arse.
You swat the fuck.
You get another maggot up your arse.
You get a hand laid on your pie-hole.
If you drink the blood of a man go to page 30.
If you take the hand go to page 22.
114
You pick a flower.
You make an arrangement.
You break it off.
You pick another.
You make other arrangements.
You pour your perfume over your whole body.
If you get put in a box go to page 29.
If you go and get a pack of matches go to page 21.
115
You pick your nose.
You can’t smell a thing.
You try a little booger.
You prefer fucking little ones.
You get a bigger booger.
You pick your brain out.
If you get put in a hospital go to page 28.
If you go and get a pack of cards go to page 20.
116
You get skinned alive.
You get nailed between the eyes.
You lose control of your bladder.
You eat the gutter.
You wince your leg over your head.
You make a quiet snack.
If you eat a horse’s arse go to page 27.
If you remain silent go to page 19.
117
You get branded a coward.
You make a bit of noise about it.
You get your arse owned by the brand you buy.
You give up without much of a fart.
You get cut up in the end.
You wear yourself out for starters.
If you eat shit go to page 26.
If you have to laugh go to page 18.
118
You get a Coke.
You score a piece of meat.
You bang it in the oven.
You score a piece of arse.
You make it last all night.
You wake up with a pain in the arse.
If you wipe your arse with your left hand go to page 25.
If you got a big problem go to page 17.
119
You get a Pepsi.
You buy some ice.
You lose a few kilos.
You get insects crawling under your skin.
You smoke them out.
You sit in the can.
If you wipe your arse with your right hand go to page 24.
If you got a big idea go to page 16.
120
You make a call.
You get a bad reception.
You get a signal.
You speak to the man upstairs.
You do all the talking.
You talk out your arse.
If you go to church go to page 15.
If you get your sister go to page 11.
121
You keep the change.
You stick it in a special place.
You rub two cents together.
You get followed around by a bad smell.
You get a call from the rear.
You clap yourself with one hand.
If you go to school go to page 14.
If you get a pigeon go to page 10.
122
You get a blister.
You dress your wound.
You wear your mum’s pants.
You put some padding in your pants.
You put a hole in your pants.
You open up the old wound.
If you take a piss go to page 13.
If you hang out with friends go to page 9.
123
You get piles.
You cover your own arse.
You have had a gutful of this.
You take a shit on the cold concrete.
You place it next to your pillow.
You do a load of dirty sheets.
If you take a shit go to page 12.
If you hang out by yourself go to page 8.
124
You eat some arsehole.
You gnaw away at their ears.
You chew your arse off.
You suck Coke in the can through a straw.
You spit in the can.
You get a kick in the bum.
If you get told you’re something of a chicken go to page 7.
If you turn to tricks go to page 5.
125
You make some beautiful music.
You play all by yourself.
You hit all the white notes.
You hold your tongue.
You must have absolute silence.
You shoot off your elephant’s mouth.
If you get told you’re something of a mongrel go to page 6.
If you take it out on a cat go to page 4.
126
Your leg is screwed.
You lean on the other one.
You pull the other one.
You walk with a limp.
You fuck your hand somehow.
You have a wank over yourself.
If you take after your dad go to page 3.
If you take after your mum go to page 2.
127
You break an arm.
You get a shake in your hand.
You suck tits through a hole in your head.
You tie a sheet around it.
You let slip a few choice words.
You crack your head falling down the stairs.
If you live in a flat go to page 1.
If you live in a squat go to page 0.
Vyoos
Zoomies
Bloggercises
The Blog of Lists
Newly Old
Money Whither
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power