NormEpisode 1, Act 1, The Worms Cricket Club Corner for Channel 31 (2005)
Characters
Rubber, unsporting male, personalized cap: rubber
Razor, unsporting male, personalized cap: lucky
Peter, athletic male, personalized cap: perfect
Amanda, girlish female, personalized cap: manned
Kim, indolent male, personalized cap: big easy
Mark, furious male, personalized cap: ham
Julia, strong female, personalized cap: jewel
ACT ONE
A COMMUNITY CRICKET CLUB STUDIO.
MARK SITTING IN A SIMPLE CHAIR ON THE LEFT OF SCREEN; JULIA AT HIS SIDE. OPPOSITE IS RUBBER, WHO IS NEARER, AND RAZOR, WHO IS REMOTER; BOTH IN EQUALLY SIMPLE CHAIRS AND ON THE RIGHT. SOME DISTANCE SEPARATES THE TWO GROUPS.
PETER AND AMANDA STAND WITH KIM, AMANDA LOOKING AROUND AND OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE CREW, PETER WATCHING WHERE SHE WATCHES, KIM WATCHING JULIA AND MARK WITH ONE EYE.
MARK IS IN HIS CLUB TRACKSUIT, LEFT ANKLE AND FOOT IN A CAST AND CRUTCHES AT HIS FEET. RUBBER AND RAZOR ARE MORE FORMALLY ATTIRED, IF ONLY SLIGHTLY. ALL ARE WEARING AT LEAST ONE CLUB GARMENT.
THE MUSIC DIES AS JULIA WISHES MARK WELL AND DEPARTS, AMANDA MAKES AN EXIT FOLLOWED BY PETER AND KIM.
SILENCE.
MARK
Welcome to Week 1 of The Worms. My name is Mark Weirdlam and I’ll be your host tonight. I am the Captain of The Third Eleven of The Worms Cricket Club. We have in the studio members of the club. Our first guests are “Rubber” Horrid and “Razor” Duckrod. Welcome.
RUBBER
Thanks Mark, it’s great to be here.
RAZOR
Thank you.
MARK
Now Rubber, we know from our interview last season that you are the president. You’re also the captain of the fourths now too.
RUBBER
That’s right Mark. Thanks for that. We have a lot of green one’s down there. They need some guidance. Leadership. That’s what I provide.
MARK
How are they coming out?
RUBBER
I’m working on a mystery ball. That’s going well. That’s all about deception. Deception. That’s what it’s about.
MARK
Is this something you’ve been working on for a while?
RUBBER
I had the idea years ago. Now that I’m in the lowest grade I can get away with a lot more. The opposition is not the same. I can get away with a lot more. They don’t know how to pick my balls out of the hand.
MARK
Can you Razor?
RAZOR
Standing in the slips to Rubber you see a lot. I can pick his balls from the air. How his balls spin is the way I do it. Then I’ve stood in a slip for Rubber many times.
RUBBER
I like to have Razor in a slip.
MARK
Now Razor you’re a spinner too.
RAZOR
I’m Rubber’s spin-twin. We’re spin-twins. I keep an end tight. I keep my end tight. He gives his balls plenty of air. I keep it tight. I keep my end tight. I let Rubber do what he wants at the other end. I let him have all the fun. I just keep it tight. Tight for him. Usually he goes into the wind. He likes to push into whichever way it’s blowing. Sometimes we swing it around. I’ll have a go from his end. That’s rare.
RUBBER
It’s important for me to have someone up the other end who can keep it tight. Keep the runs down. Some blokes just leak runs. Not him. He does keep it tight. Very much so.
MARK
Now I have to tell the viewers that I have faced both these men. Both are masters of spin. Both have balls that drop and skiddy balls too. Masters of deception both. Now a great result for your One’s at the weekend but all other sides suffered losses.
RUBBER
Cot Point is our opponent next. We’ll just be focusing on them. Focussing on us focussing on them. We’ll just focus on ourselves. There will be changes this week. We have a policy. Focus.
RAZOR
What happened with Baxter was necessary. Believe me, we’ve copped barbs about that. I think the heat got to our players. That won’t happen again. We won’t have jumpers again. We won’t tolerate jumpers! Unless they’re white. We have white jumpers. We tolerate white jumpers! We’ve locked up the others. We’ll wear white jumpers. We won’t wear brown one’s. We won’t wear yellow one’s. The white ones come in via the air. The others come by boat.
RUBBER
That’s the policy. Yellowing is not inevitable. The integrity of our whites must remain. The whiteness of our members is vital. We have to work changes. Changes work. We have choices. We have to work choices. We have. Do you want to see my mystery ball?
MARK
You’ve made some changes.
RUBBER
Changes we’ve made. We’ve made changes. We deemed them changeworthy. Worthy of it. Change. We’ve informed those changes of the change. We think it’s profitable. If we’re to compete we need to change. We won’t change.
MARK
Now some of our viewers may not know that I have been, temporarily, replaced as captain of the Third Team. My replacement is Alexander Depressant. French. I think. That’s one change. Others have been forecast.
RAZOR
Alexander has assumed the position.
RUBBER
If we are to compete we need to make changes. I can’t guarantee anyone they will keep their position. I can guarantee Razor a position. I’d like to take this opportunity to guarantee him a position as my vice. It comes out the back of the hand. Out of the back. The grip differs ever so slightly. It’s the pinky and the ring. Pinky and ring. It comes out the back. It spins a lot. It’s a mystery ball. It’s a mystery!
RAZOR
He has assumed the position.
RUBBER
It hurries through. I hope it goes into the hands of the men in close. Their hands. The opposition can’t get stuck into it. It has to hurry through. It skids. It’s the ring and the pinky. It’s over the top.
MARK
I’m getting the wind up Gentlemen. We are out of time. Thank you Rubber and Razor for being with us tonight. Good luck for the future. We look forward to seeing you again. Coming up next we have Peter Rotcheese and his partner Amanda.
RAZOR
The position. Him.
RUN C31 ADS.
Rubber, unsporting male, personalized cap: rubber
Razor, unsporting male, personalized cap: lucky
Peter, athletic male, personalized cap: perfect
Amanda, girlish female, personalized cap: manned
Kim, indolent male, personalized cap: big easy
Mark, furious male, personalized cap: ham
Julia, strong female, personalized cap: jewel
ACT ONE
A COMMUNITY CRICKET CLUB STUDIO.
MARK SITTING IN A SIMPLE CHAIR ON THE LEFT OF SCREEN; JULIA AT HIS SIDE. OPPOSITE IS RUBBER, WHO IS NEARER, AND RAZOR, WHO IS REMOTER; BOTH IN EQUALLY SIMPLE CHAIRS AND ON THE RIGHT. SOME DISTANCE SEPARATES THE TWO GROUPS.
PETER AND AMANDA STAND WITH KIM, AMANDA LOOKING AROUND AND OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE CREW, PETER WATCHING WHERE SHE WATCHES, KIM WATCHING JULIA AND MARK WITH ONE EYE.
MARK IS IN HIS CLUB TRACKSUIT, LEFT ANKLE AND FOOT IN A CAST AND CRUTCHES AT HIS FEET. RUBBER AND RAZOR ARE MORE FORMALLY ATTIRED, IF ONLY SLIGHTLY. ALL ARE WEARING AT LEAST ONE CLUB GARMENT.
THE MUSIC DIES AS JULIA WISHES MARK WELL AND DEPARTS, AMANDA MAKES AN EXIT FOLLOWED BY PETER AND KIM.
SILENCE.
MARK
Welcome to Week 1 of The Worms. My name is Mark Weirdlam and I’ll be your host tonight. I am the Captain of The Third Eleven of The Worms Cricket Club. We have in the studio members of the club. Our first guests are “Rubber” Horrid and “Razor” Duckrod. Welcome.
RUBBER
Thanks Mark, it’s great to be here.
RAZOR
Thank you.
MARK
Now Rubber, we know from our interview last season that you are the president. You’re also the captain of the fourths now too.
RUBBER
That’s right Mark. Thanks for that. We have a lot of green one’s down there. They need some guidance. Leadership. That’s what I provide.
MARK
How are they coming out?
RUBBER
I’m working on a mystery ball. That’s going well. That’s all about deception. Deception. That’s what it’s about.
MARK
Is this something you’ve been working on for a while?
RUBBER
I had the idea years ago. Now that I’m in the lowest grade I can get away with a lot more. The opposition is not the same. I can get away with a lot more. They don’t know how to pick my balls out of the hand.
MARK
Can you Razor?
RAZOR
Standing in the slips to Rubber you see a lot. I can pick his balls from the air. How his balls spin is the way I do it. Then I’ve stood in a slip for Rubber many times.
RUBBER
I like to have Razor in a slip.
MARK
Now Razor you’re a spinner too.
RAZOR
I’m Rubber’s spin-twin. We’re spin-twins. I keep an end tight. I keep my end tight. He gives his balls plenty of air. I keep it tight. I keep my end tight. I let Rubber do what he wants at the other end. I let him have all the fun. I just keep it tight. Tight for him. Usually he goes into the wind. He likes to push into whichever way it’s blowing. Sometimes we swing it around. I’ll have a go from his end. That’s rare.
RUBBER
It’s important for me to have someone up the other end who can keep it tight. Keep the runs down. Some blokes just leak runs. Not him. He does keep it tight. Very much so.
MARK
Now I have to tell the viewers that I have faced both these men. Both are masters of spin. Both have balls that drop and skiddy balls too. Masters of deception both. Now a great result for your One’s at the weekend but all other sides suffered losses.
RUBBER
Cot Point is our opponent next. We’ll just be focusing on them. Focussing on us focussing on them. We’ll just focus on ourselves. There will be changes this week. We have a policy. Focus.
RAZOR
What happened with Baxter was necessary. Believe me, we’ve copped barbs about that. I think the heat got to our players. That won’t happen again. We won’t have jumpers again. We won’t tolerate jumpers! Unless they’re white. We have white jumpers. We tolerate white jumpers! We’ve locked up the others. We’ll wear white jumpers. We won’t wear brown one’s. We won’t wear yellow one’s. The white ones come in via the air. The others come by boat.
RUBBER
That’s the policy. Yellowing is not inevitable. The integrity of our whites must remain. The whiteness of our members is vital. We have to work changes. Changes work. We have choices. We have to work choices. We have. Do you want to see my mystery ball?
MARK
You’ve made some changes.
RUBBER
Changes we’ve made. We’ve made changes. We deemed them changeworthy. Worthy of it. Change. We’ve informed those changes of the change. We think it’s profitable. If we’re to compete we need to change. We won’t change.
MARK
Now some of our viewers may not know that I have been, temporarily, replaced as captain of the Third Team. My replacement is Alexander Depressant. French. I think. That’s one change. Others have been forecast.
RAZOR
Alexander has assumed the position.
RUBBER
If we are to compete we need to make changes. I can’t guarantee anyone they will keep their position. I can guarantee Razor a position. I’d like to take this opportunity to guarantee him a position as my vice. It comes out the back of the hand. Out of the back. The grip differs ever so slightly. It’s the pinky and the ring. Pinky and ring. It comes out the back. It spins a lot. It’s a mystery ball. It’s a mystery!
RAZOR
He has assumed the position.
RUBBER
It hurries through. I hope it goes into the hands of the men in close. Their hands. The opposition can’t get stuck into it. It has to hurry through. It skids. It’s the ring and the pinky. It’s over the top.
MARK
I’m getting the wind up Gentlemen. We are out of time. Thank you Rubber and Razor for being with us tonight. Good luck for the future. We look forward to seeing you again. Coming up next we have Peter Rotcheese and his partner Amanda.
RAZOR
The position. Him.
RUN C31 ADS.
